Maggie Hitchin. I told you I’d write about you.

‘You are only 25 once.’ Those were the last words she spoke and then she died. She released my hand, exhaled loudly and her head fell softly on to the pillow. It was not as romantic as I am making it sound. I shit myself. I have never seen anyone die and it was a […]

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Enter Inspirational Quote Here.

New Year, New Start, that’s what I thought, accompanied by a deep sigh, as I heaved and huffed to pull my jeans over my swollen arse and thighs this morning. I know it’s not a massively original thought for this time of year, but so what? Maybe all these inspirational photos I keep seeing while […]

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Screw You.

The gun has gone off. Its offensive and obtrusive noise ringing out through all of our lives, whether we want it to or not. The race to survive December, for those with depression, has commenced. My hands were pressed against the asphalt, my voluminous arse stuck in the air, my chubby thighs ready to break […]

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“Angry Monkey.”

”Sometimes I like to dig a hole and pretend I am a carrot.” No, really. Ok, not really. But you fully believed me for a second there I bet, which brings me nicely on to my point. Usually I would Bitch and Moan about how Google is useless!!!! That actually when I am looking for […]

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Home is Where the Vomit is. *

‘Time waits for no man but true love lasts forever.’ Well, except when it doesn’t. Because lets face it I am sure we have all ‘fallen in true love’  a few times, at some point. You know, back in our histories, back when true love didn’t involve cleaning vomit out of our eyelashes at 3am, […]

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Your Moose or Mine?

Apparently if you give a Swedish moose an apple it gets drunk. I have never given a Swedish moose an apple firsthand, but I believe this to be true because a Swedish person told me it was true, so it must be. According to this Swedish person, who isn’t called Inga, this happens because the […]

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Twinkle Twinkle little Cow Pat…

‘Is it going to hurt?’ ‘I honestly thought I was going to die last time.’ She says searching in her Vivienne Westwood handbag for a cigarette and then looking directly in to my eyes. ‘I thought an angel was going to appear from the ceiling and take me to heaven…’ I feel the blood drain […]

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I’d Say No Anyway…Honest. (I wouldn’t… or would I?)

I sometimes wonder, usually late at night when I am unable to sleep, due to too much caffeine and too little romantic pillow talk (last night we discussed the origins of the humble sprout, apparently they originated in Ireland, like most things) if it is likely I will be married before my face starts to […]

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Separation, Desperation and a Broken Washer.

This weekend I am home alone. Which is why when the washing machine decided to go on an unscheduled sabbatical to an ashram somewhere in the West Indies (or somewhere equally as laid back as it has clearly decided life in my kitchen is too stressful) I took matters in to my own hands and […]

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An Eye for an Eye. (An Eye Related Post.) …Eye.

My son permanently sleeps with one eye open. I assume this isn’t because he doesn’t trust me and his father not to steal his worldly possessions from out under him (snot encrusted Spot the dog puppet, nah your alright you keep it) while he dozes, or because he doesn’t trust me not to do a […]

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Reviews, news and immaterial opinions...


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