I dont have post natal depression.

I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
I just feel down sometimes.
I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
I just cry sometimes. 
I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
Im just too self involved.
I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
Because how dare I? 

How dare I feel down? When I have everything I have ever wanted. My whole life. Waiting for somebody who would love me for me. Somebody who would need me, like I needed them. Somebody who would laugh in the face of my faults and love me all the more. Somebody who would put their arms around me and let me cry. 

I don’t have post natal depression
I don’t.
I’m just a drama queen.
That’s what everybody says.
So It must be true. 

How dare I be a drama queen? When I have the most beautiful, happy and healthy baby boy. A baby boy I have waited for. A baby boy who smiles and whose smile says  ‘I love you mammy’. A baby boy who can take my breath away. 

I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
I laugh too much. 

I laugh to myself when I catch myself feeling sorry for the man living on the street. I laugh to myself when I think of how much I miss my brother and how he should be here to see my son. I laugh to myself when I feel like breaking down at the thought of my little doggy, my first baby, feeling left out. I laugh when I catch site of myself trying to look pretty. I laugh when I feel low. 

I don’t have post natal depression.
I don’t.
I have no right to be sad.
I have everything ive ever wanted. 

What right do I have? 



Moments in time…

There are moments in my life when i suddenly think to myself, i want to remember this exact moment forever.
And then promptly forget all about it.

Life can be such a rush when you have a baby. life is a rush anyway but since having a baby it has speeded up a few thousand notches. You are so busy planning, concocting routines, ensuring you have everything you need, arguing about who gets to sleep when, questioning yourself and your mothering ability and worrying about the silliest things. Like – will that big daddy fox eat doodle the poodle for dinner? What if when my son grows up he needs to sit on the naughty step? We dont have a step!? The tiredness obviously does not help either as most things end up needing to be redone. These are the moments you put a teabag in the babys bottle and formula in your cuppa. You get two minutes for a wee, and forget to go… and then you sneeze….with all this going on, i sometimes find my emotions misplaced and i actually forget to enjoy the experience.

This morning i was in the kitchen at 7am multi-tasking like only a mother knows how. Boiling the kettle for the essential injection of caffiene, making the babys breakfast, making the dogs breakfast and wiping down all available surfaces, all the while dancing to keep a watching baby entertained. I took a penguin plate out of the cupboard while wiggling my oversized arsicle in the direction of said baby when i heard a cough. I turned around, mid routine, to find a bemused Addison staring at me with a smile playing on his lips, his eyes wide as saucers. I was struck immediately by how much i love this little boy and this hectic, mental lifestyle he brought with him. Never before have i danced around to mickey mouse club house at 7am on a sunday morning. Never before sober, anyway.

I instantly knew i wanted to remember this happy occurance for the rest of my life and knew i had to start a blog. I threw caution to the wind and plucked his podgy little bum from his high chair and smothered him with kisses. We then proceeded to dance around the kitchen like lunatics both of us in hysterics. 4 minutes later the breakfast routine re-commenced and no harm was done.

There have been so many moments like this one in the past five months where i have wanted to stop and savour the moment but have been ‘too busy’. Well not anymore. The house is a bomb site but at some point it will be cleared. The breakfast dishes are soaking in the sink and my other half is allowed a lie in. I commit to tidying while Addy sleeps. I want to enjoy his awake time. I want to remember this stage in his life, where i am off work , with no real worries, being able to enjoy the day to day development and fun with my little boy.

I may not get this chance again.

I will enjoy it while i can. This is my pledge.

However, i must dash… i really need a wee and the dogs licking English mustard off the counter… Sigh!

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Im here i think.

After years of getting up the courage to blog. I go and join twitter. For the first time i am beginning to understand the world of blogging and how addictive it can be. There are so many great mums, dads, tweeps that have all encouraged me so i thought hey why not?

So this is where it starts. The musings of a thirtyish short nutcase mother from Salford England!


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