Life after birth Category
If God was a Carrot.
Posted on March 3, 2015 6 Comments
‘Mummy, did you make me out of spare parts?’ I’ve had a few questions like this recently. He is becoming more inquisitive about where he was made, how he got out of my belly and exactly what God’s role is in everything. ‘Mummy, if taxi drivers think they own the road, but they don’t, is […]
Reality Bites.
Posted on March 2, 2015 3 Comments
I was shaking like a shitting dog. My pupils must have been dilated, I couldn’t stop licking my lips and I know my face was as white as a sheet as I could feel all of the blood that had recently drained from it, sloshing about in my feet as I struggled to place one […]
Pout now or Forever hold Your Peace.
Posted on January 26, 2015 4 Comments
‘Twenty Seven Pounds fifty pence?’ The way he enunciates the pronunciation alerts me immediately to the fact I have made an honest and grave mistake. I stand there. I have nothing to say, no reply, and no excuse. I am in the wrong. ‘Twenty Seven Pounds and fifty pence?’ I skulk out of the room […]
Project Silver Linings.
Posted on January 14, 2015 7 Comments
On New Year ’s Eve as the clock struck 12, I pulled my fat arse out of bed, brushed the biscuit crumbs off my jammy top and hoofed it to the spare bedroom window. As millions of people around the world kissed their loved ones, popped champagne corks, danced happily among friends and family, and […]
Enter Inspirational Quote Here.
Posted on January 2, 2015 9 Comments
New Year, New Start, that’s what I thought, accompanied by a deep sigh, as I heaved and huffed to pull my jeans over my swollen arse and thighs this morning. I know it’s not a massively original thought for this time of year, but so what? Maybe all these inspirational photos I keep seeing while […]
If Disney did early Motherhood. Tangled.
Posted on December 31, 2014 1 Comment
(To be sung to the clean up song….) 5 AM, the usual morning lineup: Start with Addy’s bum and weep till the poo’s all clean, Wax my tash, do laundry, mop the dogs puke up, Sob again, and by then it’s like 5.15. And so we will […]
The Life and Times of Dog.
Posted on December 6, 2014 1 Comment
Do you ever feel like you’ve just got too much going on? ‘I’ve so much on,’ you say to a work colleague ‘I can’t think straight, I’m so tired.’ Your hands rise up to nestle your chin and face, mid conversation, and then inadvertently, you pull the skin around your eyes down towards you. It […]
Screw You.
Posted on December 4, 2014 2 Comments
The gun has gone off. Its offensive and obtrusive noise ringing out through all of our lives, whether we want it to or not. The race to survive December, for those with depression, has commenced. My hands were pressed against the asphalt, my voluminous arse stuck in the air, my chubby thighs ready to break […]
Lessons in Unconditional Love.
Posted on November 20, 2014 4 Comments
‘I hate you!’ ‘I Actually HATE you!’ This week my son’s school are participating in anti- bullying week. ‘You are horrible and mean! And believe me when I tell you mummy, I am never CUDDLING YOU AGAIN!’ And I’m so glad they are doing this y’know, because it REALLY seems to be having a positive […]
Happy Birthday Addison
Posted on November 19, 2014 28 Comments
This is the first photo mummy ever took of you. You were 2 hours old. You were lying on my flabby, empty bump (and the rest) on the hospital bed. I was so proud, I wanted to show you off immediately, so as soon as we were alone, I took this photo and sent it out to 18 people. It was […]
