It’s been a while… 

The 29 week utero baby making me feel like death all those months ago, is now 8 months old. 

And I have to say, either this has been the longest period of psychosis I have ever experienced, or I am actually doing quite well and even possibly thriving. (I’m not keen on the word thriving. It reminds me too much of the word thrusting. And I am not thrusting. At all. Ever again. I couldn’t find a better word than thriving though. So… It has to do. Just don’t picture me thrusting.) 

So yeah, I have had a baby. A baby I was convinced wasn’t mine for a good while. Emergency C sections can have that affect apparently. I just, I was sliced open and then because they made me take my lenses out, and it was all a bit hazy and I was off my bongos on diamorphine, at first I was convinced he was black. I kept apologising to The Irish one and promising I hadn’t done the dirt with a black man. I also said I was over the moon as I had always secretly dreamed of a baby with dark skin. Turns out quite disappointingly he wasn’t black, just pasty and strawberry blonde like the other one. This and the fact he was massive, has a dimple in his chin like me, and blue eyes should have convinced me he was mine, but the feeling of him potentially not being, lingered a few weeks. It’s just so different with a section. They took him out and ran off with him. Like- what if he wasn’t … Anyway. Forget it. 

(Does anyone know if you can buy diamorphine? I feel like I was so much more laid back. Anyway…)

His name is Coby. He wears a lot of pink. I am not making any kind of stand on gender discrimination with this. I just like pink. So, until he can stand up, point accusingly at me and proclaim ‘stop fucking putting me in pink woman!’ He will wear pink. And like it. 

I have listened to a lot of musical theatre. (Addison is currently obsessed with grease 2 so if you were to peer through my living room window at 7pm on any given Tuesday evening I will usually be found rocking out in leather tight pants (baggy threadbare pyjamas) and straddling step ladders (the jumperoo) pretending I am 8 stone and all I want is a cool rider. (Addison sometimes joins in.) What I actually want is a good nights sleep. Or perhaps a ten day break in the Maldives. Alone. 

I have quit my job. Quite spectaculary too. I quit my job in a series of quite explicit, straight talking emails. To be honest it’s been a long time coming. But, it’s How I did it, which has got me wondering if maybe I’m experiencing an episode of acute psychosis. Ive been so unbelievably honest and angry in them. I probably come across as a bit bitter. I’m not bitter. I just wanted to be honest. So I was. Very unlike me. I’m usually one to slink away and not rock the boat. I re read them last night. They are definitely ‘to the point’ and would make an interesting read to those who favour ‘take a break’ type rags. Maybe one day I will publish them. Because seriously? It’s a good story. Like a career horror story. Think Saw 2 meets Mean girls. 

I have lost 3.5 stone through the unbelievable magic that is slimming world. 3.5 stone!! And I’ve never been hungry and have at least one diam bar a day. I’m still going. My target is ten stone. 2.5 to go. 

(Seriously tho? Diamorphine?? Where can I get some cos no doubt it’s also syn free!!) 

So yeah. Now I need to find a job I’m passionate about, and um… raise two kids on beans…. 

You know what? Let’s not dwell on the future. It’ll happen whether I want it to or not. 

Also though. 

I have become pretty convinced we are living amongst shape shifters, are being poisoned by ‘Chem trails’ and a man with a giant trophy is following me about. This could be put down to acute psychosis, or it could just be a late night Addiction to google, coffee and Hendricks combined with an unhealthy dose of sleep deprivation. 

I guess only time will tell. But you see my predicament? I am wondering if I’m out of it. 

Anyway. I’m off to water the poodle tree. 


A big truck drove past me before at the lights though. It had ‘IT’S NOT A PROBLEM’ scrawled on the side of it in huge yellow letters, and i guess it’s right. 

It isn’t. 


3 Comments on “It’s been a while… 

  1. Oh it’s SO lovely to have you back, and hear things are going so well.
    Well done on pretty much winning at life right now – plus CONGRATULATIONS to all three of you, and welcome to Coby!

  2. Missed you so much and I swear I was only thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing. HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on the new Woo Clan member, the weight loss and the thrusti…. sorry, thriving 😀
    Stay strong, stay happy, fuck everyone else (but not physically, cos ya know the Irish One might get a bit upset) and enjoy of precious moment and memory with your family.

    PS, check the chem trails for diamorphine !!

  3. It’s so great to have a post from you, I’ve been wondering how you were doing. Well done on so many levels.. For having a baby, for losing all that weight and for coming out the other side with your fab sense of humour still intact! On to the next adventure!

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