Motherhood; Letting go of Right Now.
Your little chicken legs pounding the pavement, running ahead, big smiley head on you, ready for the last day of term.
It wasn’t so long ago you clung to my hand and we walked this playground together, me filling you with assurances of how much you would love school, while secretly wishing for time to stand still. For you to stay mine, and only mine forever.
How selfish am I? Wanting to keep you mine.
But how the times fly by.
I am not ready for the future right now.
‘Can I catch up with Ronan mummy?’
I smile and nod, trailing behind, taking in the moment, swinging your lunch box and bag in my hand, watching the seasons change before me.
You still call me mummy, and I am trying to hold on to how this sounds, because I know soon it will evolve and I will be mum.
You still shout ‘I love you mummy!’ as you walk through those double doors in to school, shooting a grin back at me, but I know soon you won’t.
I also know you won’t want or need me to carry your stuff, preferring to jump out of the car and leg it, like the bigger boys do.
I also know on the horizon I won’t be allowed to shout my love for you, a quick reminder, before you disappear in to your secret life I know nothing about. I know I will have to ‘act cool’ and keep my heart firmly on my sleeve.
Watching you grow and change is the most heart-breaking and incredible adventure I have ever been on.
I am both excited for you and melancholy for what was, constantly.
I am clinging on to your babyness right now because I know once it has gone it won’t ever come back, and time is fast.
I will tell you the bedtime stories as long as you ask for them, I will kneel down and put your socks on for you as long as you need me to, I will breathe you in as you run towards me for a hug at the end of the day, every single time, because it may be the last time, and these times I don’t want to forget.
You feel like home to me in a way I never felt before. You are my home.
And although I will let you go, and watch you grow proudly, I want to remember right now.
Because right now, like the ‘right now’ last year, and the one before that, is forever changing, and I have adored you through all of them. They have all been my favourite you.
I am also so very proud of you.*
Every single day.
*And also me, I am proud of me. I am proud of myself for not throwing myself at your feet and begging you to let me pick you up, spoon feed your cereal and generally mollycoddle you and prevent you from growing up because the thought of it makes me wanna vomit. LITERALLY the number of times I have nearly woken you up watching you sleep, stroking your forehead, trying to come up with a space time continuum. I am a proper weirdo. I know this. When I burst out crying randomly it’s because I’m picturing you going to uni and leaving me. But know this Addy woo. Even when you are 21, you will still be my little boy. And also, I may whisper I love you in your ear at the school doors, and the uni doors, and the morning of your wedding, and anytime I see you every day for the rest of your life, even if it drives you mad. #justsaying.