Dead Whales. (Pregnancy Week 7.)
Today has been a hard day.
Today marks 2 weeks off the pills.
Today I read my baby might have a heartbeat.
Today I also read that 21 whales have died on the beaches of the west coast because of sonar testing the army are doing. These whales get confused and die an undignified death suffocating in the sand.
Then I read about how calves are stolen from the their braying and begging mothers only a day out of the protection of the mother’s womb to be placed in tiny sheds where they can’t move for 4 weeks and then slaughtered for veal. They are confused and hurt and they want their mummy’s and instead the humans at their charge keep them chained, preventing them from even standing up.
Then I read about the children in Syria.
Today I am emotional at 7 weeks and 2 days.
Today I am wondering what the hell I am thinking bringing another child in to a world where grown men bully and victimise women and children and millions are killed because of the colour of their skin.
A world where a man can cut a dogs leg off and throw it in a sewage pipe when it sits on a crisp packet for a week, dying slowly and alone.
Today I am wondering what the hell I am thinking.
My first midwife appointment is the 18th of February. It is with the mental health midwife.
I will tell her I am fine because it is not like they can give me more anti-depressants.
I don’t want the Irish one to ask me if I am ok again, I do not want him to hug me, I want him to leave me alone. I want him to kick me in the stomach and bounce on my head, gouge my eyes out and punch my face.
Today I want to take the pain for the animals. Today I want to be eradicated. Today I want the human race to be eradicated.
I read this morning that coming off anti-depressants suddenly (like I have) can cause emotional instability.
I read that this is ‘normal’ and will pass.
I know in my heart this will pass but that won’t make Today any easier.
Bring on week 8.