‘So I need to buy a colouring book?’
‘There is more to it than that, but yes, a colouring book would be a good start.’
‘So what, I just sit and colour?’
I am incredulous.
How could that possibly help?
And when? When on god’s green earth am I meant to sit and pissing colour?
‘And at what point am I meant to sit and colour James?’ I bark, ‘Before I put Addison to bed when he is wittering on at me about wanting the iPad instead of dinner, Or after when my husband is wittering on about the potato famine? OR perhaps I could get up at 5 am and squeeze in an hour in before work….’
My rant goes on for a while…
‘If you don’t want to sit and colour you could think about other ways of finding mindfulness Lexy. Your intrusive thoughts, the constant fight of flight response your body is experiencing, is not good for you. Stress and anxiety are hard going physically as well as mentally. The thoughts you have repeatedly told me about are distressing you yes? So you have two choices. Shut up and put up or find ways to deal. You cannot control them, you need to learn to watch them like a movie and let them move on. Mindfulness will help you do that, it keeps you focused in other ways.’
I sigh deeply and huff. ‘For like what, ten mins a day?’
‘Let’s start with two… two minutes a day and we can build up from that.’
‘So what if I don’t want to colour?’
‘Can you afford a massage?
‘Does that sound more appealing?’
‘It may not keep you focused but it may shift the focus from your mind to your body.’
‘Then try that. It may relax you, help you find peace in your mind. Try and focus on your body.’
‘Ok. I will try that.’
Three days later I had a massage and a facial.
Because that is what I HAD to do.
It did not help me find peace.
Things I thought about during my facial and massage.
1) This room smells expensive, I wonder how easy it would be to slip some of these products in my bag.
2) Is David Bowie really dead? Or is he just back with Steve jobs in the Glitterati. No wait, it is not Glitterati, I mean that thing with Angelina Jolie and the triangles. I wonder how you join.
3) Does Beyoncé Hula Hoop?
2) (When therapist leaves the room and re-enters) “What if it’s not her and it’s a serial killer?”
3) Shit, I think I left my straighter on!!
4) I wonder what she’s thinking about while doing this. I wonder if she hates my fat back. I wonder if she has ever had ring worm. I wonder if she is a serial killer who keeps heads in her bath. I didn’t say goodbye to Addison.
5) (While face-mask is hardening over entire face and mouth with only my nostrils to breathe through) “this is probably how Fred and Rose West’s victims felt like…..*reality check*, no, probably not.
6) Oh fuck, I need to fart!!! What if my house is on fire? Would the neighbors save Doodle the Poodle? He’s flame right up.
7) (As she starts to massage my feet and legs) “Bollocks, I forgot to shave!”
8) I wonder if she ever gets asked if she’d like to earn some cash-in-hand.
9) Was that her tummy rumbling or mine?
10) I’d definitely get caught if I tried to steal some of those products!
I need to buy a colouring book.