A Beginners Guide to not Conceiving Immediately.
Are you TTC? POAS? Are you on your 2WW?
Basically, are you trying to get pregnant?
Have you followed all of the advice everyone feels the need to give you when you are trying to get pregnant?
You MUST follow all of the advice.
You need to be active, and yet relaxed, eat healthy, yet let go a little! Consume just the right amount of everything – but in moderation! Not be too fat, nor too thin (obviously,) enjoy a healthy lifestyle, not be stressed at all (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT STRESS!!!) Do not obsess about it too much, But you know, be hopeful or what’s the point? Picture the sperm meeting the egg…
‘Wait a minute, wait a minute, did you just tell me to Picture the damn sperm meeting the damn egg?’
I plop my spoon back in the yoghurt pot and gag. It tastes like sperm. It didn’t. But now it does.
‘Yeah, picture them all hurtling like mad little yokes towards your slutty little egg.’
‘Ok this conversation is over Irish One, I am going upstairs.’
Cheeky shit. My eggs are ladies.
I am either pregnant or I am not.
A simple fact.
You are either pregnant or you are not.
It is not a simple fact though!!!!!
I have inadvertently been thrown in to a world of madness, and heartbreak, and obsession and actually, all these genuine and supportive and ‘we are all in it together’ type ‘lean on me’ women.
It is a world filled with time limits and smiley faces on sticks and something called ‘line eyes’ and MUI numbers and acronyms I got completely wrong when I first tentatively lurked on an ‘Actively trying board’ (Just for kicks clearly – I am not actively trying anything, nothing at all dad. Honest.)
2WW – Does not mean 2 wankers wanking. It means 2 week wait. (The longest 2 weeks of your entire life. It is the 2 weeks in between all of the sex and all of the blood.)
POAS – Peeing on a Stick. (It took me freaking ages to work this out. I thought it was the name of one of the ladies husbands for the longest time. I was like ‘He must be Polish. Irish One. Is Poas a Polish name? I like it for a boy…’)
DTD – Doing the Deed. (I need to DTD more often. I hadn’t realised how quickly men stop being able to go at it like rabbits. I’m all like ‘IRISH ONE – I HAVE A SMILEY FACE – SHAG ME. SHAG ME NOW! And he’s all like ‘AGAIN? We just did it a week ago. I need time to recover!!)
OPK – Looks and feels like a pregnancy test but instead of testing for pregnancy it tests for ovulation (Ovulation Predictor Kit.) A smiley face indicates you are having a surge of hormones and probably at some point in the next 48 hours (much like a Next delivery – we have no idea when) you will release an egg. Go Go Go! (But don’t put too much pressure on him or nothing will come out. #Justsayin But seriously, hurry up!)
AF – Aunty FLo. Which means your period. It has taken me a while to get used to this one as I do actually have an actual Aunty Flo. And now I cant look her in the eye. ‘But Lexy, why are you referring to me as the Black Death? I thought you liked it when i popped over for a visit?’ Although once a month it does remind me to call her. (The bitch)
BD – Baby dance. If you ever meet the Irish One ask him about the time I made us both dance after DTD. I had him twirling me and everything. You aint seen nothin till you see a naked Irish man Twerk.
BFN – Big Fat negative… But is it? Can you see a line? I am gonna hold this motherfucker up to every possible variant of light for at least 30 minutes before I accept 8 minutes after sex is probably too early for a result. ‘Ill try again in the morning.
CM- ‘Cervical mucous, also known as cervical fluid. It is fluid produced by your cervix as you approach ovulation due to increased oestrogen.’ I am going to move on now. Even i am too classy for a discharge joke.
CP- Cervical Position. Not where it stands on The tax cuts, but how high it it? Is it high? Is it low? Is it doing the hokey cokey? Can it turn around? Seriously tho. Is it high and firm or low and soft? I wanna know. I have no idea why. I just do.
‘My cervix is high Irish One.’
‘Oh good on ya yerself.’
CD – How many days since the first day you cursed the world, consumed chocolate and generally behaved like a heinous bitch this month? Oh you don’t get PMS? Good for you. Now fuck off.
DH, DD, DS– Darling Husband, Darling Daughter, Darling Son. I made up my own special little acronym for the Irish one as I will NEVER refer to him as Darling anything.
IDH – took me ages. You impressed? Do you get it? It’s a swear word *giggle.*
DPO- Days Past Ovulation. How many days since you experienced a million different symptoms, one of which, may indicate you have popped an egg out.
EDD- Estimated Due Date. If it is a line – when would you be due? What star sign would they be? It is all so torturous. The 2WW is hell. The hope. The waiting. Thank god for the forums where we can obsess, Happily in our little groups over every little symptom. I need to discuss every little possibility! My left nipple is hard and yet the room is warm!! Could this be it???
EWCM- Eggwhite cervical mucous. See CM but like egg whites. Lots of this ‘Occurin in ya pants’ may mean you have conceived a baby. (Again – Too classy for a discharge joke, and also I am egg phobic so can ABSOLUTELY not dwell on this for too long…)
HPT- Home pregnancy test. (Just to be clear – you don’t have to be at home. It will work anywhere, but it is frowned upon to do it in the street or in the car… but only if someone catches you.)
HcG- This is not a type of digger but the hormone detected by pregnancy tests that turns the line pink or blue. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, if you must know. And I have none as of yet. But I will try again tomorrow (code for; in an hour.)
TTC- Trying to conceive.
BFP – The Holy grail. One that will be celebrated by others, even if they have been TTC for years. Big Fat Positive. You are pregnant. Off you go galavanting in to your own little group for pregnant people. yeay! But before you go? I want a day by day blow of your symptoms and what DPO were you when you POAS?
There are about a million others, these are the ones I have come across so far. (Let’s keep it classy.)
These women on these boards, they are inspiring me.
I have witnessed the highs, the heartbreak, the celebrations and the support, and I am inspired. Thats the sign of strong women isn’t it? Those that build each other up instead of tearing each other down. It’s a shame it is mostly anonymous. Maybe we wouldn’t be able to be so vulnerable and honest if it wasn’t.
The bedroom door flies open. ‘You wanna do it?’
MY IDH Ladies and Gentlemen.
He appears before me like a vision of manliness in his black boxers, Forest Gump T-shirt and odd socks. (He does look hot actually but there would be no point tonight, so no.)
‘No. Piss off, save your sperm, come back next week. I got AF arriving tomorrow, i just know it. The bitch.’
‘We are meant to keep sex happy though, have sex randomly just for fun, indulge in one another. Take our time and take care of one another…’
‘Oh for gods sake Irish one! Pull your pants up!’
I won’t tell you what happened next, as much as he would love me to.
This blog post is over.
You are all discharged. (Sorry. Turns out I am not all that classy.)