I Published a Book and now I am Never Leaving the House Again.
The shit is hitting the fan.
(Can you imagine how horrific that would actually be? If shit actually hit a fan? Who came up with that saying? And god forbid, but do you think they actually tried it? ‘Hey Jo! (Because it was definitely a man.) Go a take a huge shit mate, then throw it at this desk fan….’ Yes! Amazing idea!!)
People are buying my book.
OH MY GOD PEOPLE ARE BUYING MY BOOK!
‘So are you at least complimentary about me the rest of the way through?’
The Irish One is stood somewhere near the end of the bed and although I have been living under the duvet, effectively in hiding, since it was published, unfortunately for me although it is muffled I can still hear him.
‘Come out from under there and talk to me right now! I am getting annoyed.’
He doesn’t understand.
I don’t care if he combusts, I am going nowhere.
I am not leaving my bed cave until the shit has stopped circulating.
‘If you want to talk to me Irish One, you are going to have to join me under here. I am not coming out there ever again, or at least not until I have to pick Addison up from mum, but then? Then I am coming back, crawling under here and remaining in hiding for the foreseeable future.’
I expected him to walk away.
The fact he did not walk away tells me he means business.
I summon my serious face just in time for a rustle of the bed covers, followed by a blast of cold air and then out of the darkness his face looms in front of me.
He looks like this.
(It is true. The Irish One does look like Addison. You were all right.)
The problem is he has started to read it.
The fool has broken the cardinal rule and has started to read it.
‘I cannot believe you called me a Twat!! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, you shared with the world the time I had a sanitary towel stuck to the side of my leg!? And you hated those times? You hated them? I thought I was being helpful! I remember it as romantic!’
‘Romantic? Are you on glue?’ I half laugh, raising the roof off our make shift fort so he can see how serious my serious face is ‘It was the most excruciating time of my life! I loved being a new mum ….’ I put my finger to my head in a sarcastic thinking gesture ‘oh wait, no I didn’t! I lost the plot!’
‘Yes but I was helpful.’
I stare at him silently for a while, nodding slowly with a smile I usually reserve for Addison.
It goes on a bit long and I am forced to stop.
‘Well, this is awkward.’
‘Tell me I was helpful.’
I try and smile nicely but judging by the role of his eyes, it clearly comes across as more of a grimace.
‘Put the Book Down Irish One. No good can come of it.’
He puts the book down on the basket by the bed.
It’s my only print copy and it is laughing at me.
I get back under the covers.
I hear him stomping down the stairs.
‘I was bloody helpful! I was the one who called the Dr when you got baby shit in your eye, and I told the police it wasn’t you who stole my credit card and tried to book a flight to Goa! You would be in prison now if it wasn’t for me!’
I get back out of the bed, walk down the stairs, put the book in the freezer and return to my fort.
Of course he was helpful. That’s why I thank him at the end of it.
He’s amazing my husband. But don’t you see? If I tell him I’ll owe him a million lie in’s! The point system will always be tipped in his favour. I WILL BE CLEANING THE BATHROOM FOR MONTHS!
I wrote a book.
But none of you are allowed to read it.
From the award winning blogger Mammywoo, pegged by The guardian as ‘the one to watch’ comes a new hilariously funny and deeply moving memoir about dealing with mental illness while still reeling from the Magic of Birth.
Lexy wanted to be the perfect mother, she wrote this down numerous times in her planner (ok she doesn’t own an actual planner, but the back of an unpaid bill still counts right?) Her journey through motherhood would be calm and serene. No dummies, no drama and she would most definitely slip back in to her pre- pregnancy wardrobe, immediately!
What could possibly go wrong?
From accidentally breastfeeding the dog to romantic laxatives, therapy and beyond, this is an honest, very real and sometimes quite disturbing tale of woe, set in the wilderness of what was meant to be a year spent relaxing, with a baby.
Now available to read across all platforms.
Barnes and noble, nook, kindle, and iBooks. It’ll be in print this week. iBooks is a dream come true. A dream come true. All hail apple formatting. Here is the link-
I Used to be Cool.. by Lexy Ellis