Why I don’t do Review’s.
I received an email yesterday, reminding me that as a mum I need extra protection in my knickers.
(Like I haven’t got enough to think about in-between my son’s unhealthy obsession with the Titanic and a demanding full time job!)
Had I received this email prior to birthing a baby with a MASSIVE head, I would have squealed at the audacity of these no name companies sending me advice about how to care for my vagina, and then I probably would have giggled over it with all my friends.
Unfortunately though, there are no giggles anymore, as since tearing my delicate front bum from here to Transylvania during the magic of childbirth, this type of spamming has become a regular occurrence in my inbox.
Unlike my husband, who hasn’t been anywhere near my ‘inbox’ since we decided to officially try for another kid – funny that eh Irish One? If I’d have known sooner that that’s all it took to not be pestered by the infamous ‘boob and fanny grab’ while I’m washing the pots, I would have been a lot more eager to have the 2nd baby conversation!
Anyway, back to the email reminding me on a Tuesday afternoon, mid work related issue, that I’m a lazy whore who needs to do more pelvic floor.
(It’s true though, I do. The child and I went trampolining on Sunday and somewhere between my first jump and a fancy ‘look at me I am a trampolining goddess’ sitting drop, my bladder decided to be a complete twat and release its entire contents. Unfortunately, because of the aforementioned child with the MASSIVE head that arrived 5 years ago, there was sweet FA my vagina could do about it. I think the staff at Jump nation may have thought my waters were breaking. In that, I may have screamed this at them as the floor swallowed me up and I ran off (like john Wayne) in horror.)
SO ok Tena, you are right.
My vagina is pointless in more ways than 1.
But your email pissed me off. (No pun intended.)
I may need a finely lined panty liner which absorbs faster than ordinary panty-liners and locks in more moisture, controlling odour thanks to the feelfresh technology ™, but I didn’t want my boss to know that. Or a team of 12 people who I was in the middle of presenting to, using a flip screen and projector, connected to my laptop.
It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if I had distracted them from the huge TENA that appeared at the top right hand of my screen advising me of your badly timed email, instead of clicking on it in a panic and opening it for them all to read.
And now they all know.
They all know I inadvertently added myself to your mailing list, and they all think I probably wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t require odour control for my nethers.
And literally, not one of them can now look me in the eye when I laugh.
For the love of god Tena, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
This isn’t a sponsored post, but I do wonder if you should treat it as such and offer me some sort of compensation.
KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE! It’s as if we as mothers haven’t been through enough…
And don’t get me started on this one.
You think I need a panel of stangers advising me on how to keep the spark in my marriage alive?
Do you think us mum’s have NO shame?
Send me emails asking me to review wine! Or Spanx! Remind me there is more to me than broken bits and no mystery!
You wanna know how to keep the spark alive people?
Don’t mention the possibility of a leakier vag, more sleepless nights and another 10 months of morning sickness!
OH WELL, only another 306 to wade through…
Maybe one of those will include something useful.
*This is not a sponsored post for the baby event or Tena. However if you good people at Tena would like to send me some samples, that would be nice. (Also I realise your advert says 69% (teehee) of new mums or pregnant women need them, but I am here to tell you, mothers with kids who have giant heads who are five, still need them too. Thanks.)