You Don’t Have to be a Writer.

“You don’t have to be a writer to be a blogger, you just need to have something to say.”

I overheard this recently while going about my humdrum life, in my closed minded, protective, humdrum way.

A life I have gotten used to living recently.

A manageable life where inside remains quiet, letting the outside world thunder past.

I immediately paused for a split second, becoming aware of the tilting of my head in the direction of the conversation, desperately wanting to hear more and yet almost repulsed with myself for not walking away quickly enough.

Move away from the life that brings you back out of the quiet!!

Do not get involved!!

Do not connect, my brain screamed at me.

You were barely a blogger, let alone a writer.

And now you are neither.

Walk away!

‘You do not have to be a writer, you just need to have something to say.’

I rolled my eyes, a reflex, an escape mechanism, and promptly encouraged myself to carry on with my day.

I stalked away from the sound of the word ‘blog’ and off in the opposite direction completely.

I hurried around my desk, plonked myself down with a jolt, immersed myself back in to this new life I have created.

I sent a few snappy emails, answered a few telephone calls off a few angry people, visited my locker for a snack, fetched a coffee, drank the coffee, thought about the school run and ways in which I could possibly make it easier and less stressful for both myself and my son.

I thought about money.

I wrote a list.

I ticked things off the list.

I waited for the sun to set behind me, and as I usually do nowadays, left the office after dark.

‘You don’t have to be a writer…’

I briskly walked back to my car, across the badly lit car park, busying my mind with the evening ahead, and what I could do to fill it.

I drove home listening, as I always do now, to the TED talks on my bluetooth speaker, talks about Impact, Parenting, Leadership, Medicine, talks about all different walks of life and of the emotions attached, and how we deal with them.

Noise.

Other people Shining, Teaching, Sharing, Loving, Living.

Noise. Any noise really.

But not music.

Never music anymore.

As music is one of the unwanted keys to everything, and everything is what I have been striving so hard to avoid.

‘…You just need to have something to say.’

I have arrived home over the last few weeks, key in the front door, living my humdrum life, like I now do, in my humdrum way.

Quiet, Faffy, Calm, Manageable.

I have eaten the dinner usually waiting for me, blankly and without feeling any emotion, read Addison his bedtime story and kissed him goodnight, and finally and thankfully sank in to bed, book at the ready to dive in to, film to mindlessly immerse myself in, sleep – the illusive elixir always there to greet me if I scamper and crawl hard enough towards it.

‘You don’t need to be a writer… you just need to have something to say..’

Frustration in abundance that all the while, this inconspicuous little bastard of a phrase has been creeping around the back of my brain and occasionally setting off an electric spark in my heart, nibbling away at my apathy, not so gently jostling me towards the place I do not want to have to face.

‘You don’t need to be a writer to be a blogger. You just need to have something to say.’

It smacks me across the face. Hard.

If Apathy is my Fire Exit, Writing is my revolving door.

Writing is my return to the charred remains, a way to go back and visit the scenes of the casualties, that make up the different jigsaw pieces of my life.

But I haven’t been ready, I have to be ready.

A place I can dip in and out of, I can visit, and when the going gets too tough, can skirt back out around the edges of for a while.

Dancing the avoidance dance, slipping back in to my humdrum life.

A life that has recently raised up like a whale out of water, and swallowed me whole.

I don’t want to write. As I am waiting for the lift.

I have nothing left to say. As I am pulling out a smoke.

I will live this humdrum, I will not think outside of this circle, will not dare to dream, feel the elation of the words going down on ‘paper.’

I will not suffer potential embarrassment of opening up. I will fall back in to obscurity. Disappear.

So aloof I do not even know if I can be genuine with myself anymore.

I have nothing to say. As I am pulling up to the petrol station.

I have said it all. As I am pulling Addison’s jumper over his head.

How have I contained myself in this Tupperware box, self preserving for so long, without noticing I have been gasping for air.

Or maybe I have known, and have subconsciously and studiously avoided the return, fearing for my own stability when I do.

What could I say? As I reach the speed limit.

Emergency Exits can definitely be useful in emergencies, but I think it is time to face up to the decisions I have been making, and push on that revolving door.

The one marked, Time to Reflect.

And write.

So here goes.

I think I may have found something to say.

I am not a writer. As I sit down to write.

I am a full time mother, a wife, a team manager, a therapist, a friend, a sister, a person with incredibly low self esteem, a person who loathes and loves technology in equal measures, a person who loves laughter, gets hurt easily, has made some utterly idiotic decisions recently and also some pretty good ones, I am a coffee drinker, a procrastinator, a scaredy cat, a regretter, a drama queen, a clinical depressive, a fighter, a giver upper, a clown, a bitch, a daughter, and I am also a blogger.

And I do have something to say, after all.

Even if I am only saying it to myself.

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23 Comments on “You Don’t Have to be a Writer.

  1. How did I not see this post??

    Myopia… Must be cos otherwise I would have replied…

    Cos – I type that a lot now…because takes a lot of typing and I make massive typos that even autocorrect can’t cope with (although secretly I think autocorrect is linked with US spelling and not UK and I’m right all along…)

    Anyway I digress

    Told you the other day via some other social networking means how much I have missed your writing and your blogging and how very glad I am to see you back!

    Ps you’re my fave blogger ever.period. Ooo I said period 😏

  2. I read your entire blog when I was pregnant with my son and finding life incredibly difficult. I love your style of writing and you helped me on days that I thought I couldn’t go on.
    I was so excited to see your new post and it has also given me the kick to start my own blog http://23weeksocks.wordpress.com
    Thank you so much Lexy

    • Hi honey. Thank you for making my day with this lovely comment. I am glad you found support, that was what i was hoping to give and thank you for supporting me with this comment, its made my day. Also ive followed your blog will have a read tonight xxxe

  3. I had to look twice when I saw your wonderful name appear on my emails.
    I wish I had your courage to enable me to write down all the stuff I have screaming to get out of my head. Getting up each day, going through the motions of my also humdrum existence with a smile on my face and a scream behind my eyes.
    Much love to you special, special Lexy.
    Write if you want to, don’t if you don’t, but one thing for sure , you ARE a writer Xxxx

  4. The Boy and Me shared this on Facebook this morning and I read every word slowly on my phone when I should have been jumping in the shower for the school run. All the way through I kept thinking WHAT a WRITER she IS. I was hanging on your EVERY word. Then I completely busied myself with dressing Aaron and myself, and then the bomb came. My subconscious was processing everything I’d read, and then MY tupperware box opened. I’ve spent a lot of the morning crying, still am, but I think it’s a case of better out than in. I resonate so deeply with several of the things you said, namely the self esteem bit etc…

    I miss the days when you were a big part of the blogging world and I am so so very glad that you are back.

    As is said when one enters Ireland: “welcome home”.

    Liska xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. Just got home and deleting my tabs from earlier and thought I’d have a look at the post you said you were writing earlier. You’re so eloquent and it’s a real pleasure to read your what you have to say. YOU ARE AWESOME.

  6. Wahoo! Lovely to be reading your words again and yes you do have something to say. I love that phrase, I think it sums me up perfectly, I have plenty to say but wouldn’t call myself a writer, you on the otherhand are both. Welcome back to blogging.

  7. You are fecking awesome and I am so glad you’re back! Ready to speak and we are ready to listen, as we always have been. Just be you, we love you as you are.

    • Thank you. Slowly emerging again fighting. I love you and thank you for your unwavering support. Im looking forward to seeing ‘morny’ on my feed again. Ive missed checking for it x

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