No Big News.
I have been actively reading around.
Researching, if you will. (Mental note to self: add research and development, to CV.)
And not so randomly either. (Mental note to self: add focused, to CV)
If you were to check the search history on my iPad, and I, like my husband often does (much to my delight), had forgotten to clear the search history (Seriously Irish one? You are looking to improve the performance of the boiler, Again??? Just pay the damn energy bills!! It’s winter!!) For the last week, you would most likely find the following search terms.
• How do first children cope with the birth of a second child?
• How do mothers who completely and utterly lost their tenuous grip on reality and fully lost the plot during the first year of their children’s lives, fair, once the second child comes along?
• Can you rip your bum hole open twice?
• Can you take medication for animal inspired auditory hallucinations, while pregnant?
• Cheap Disney world holidays.
• Is gin taster a real career?
• Can you still get pregnant with a marina coil, while taking the pill, and point blank refusing to have sex?
The search results vary. (And bizarrely tend to include a lot of monkeys.)
My pregnancy test results don’t vary.
Negative every single time.
(Mental note to self: Remove calculated risk taker from CV.)
And yet I still buy them and pee on them, in the hope the decision will be taken out of my hands.
I am terrible at making life decisions you see, just awful.
And as much as I hate it, I prefer it when other people make them.
By other people I don’t mean the Irish one (he wouldn’t dare. Put the damn heating back on!!!) I mean, the universe.
I am a procrastinator, a worst case scenario jumper, a ditherer, and then ‘maybe we should have chosen the other option’ type person.
Mother Nature I have found, isn’t, she makes decisions and sticks to them.
‘I shall immediately and without consideration rip her undercarriage to absolute shreds!!!’
And it has to be said, that’s kind of admirable.
She just goes for it, wand in hand. Hair and dress billowing out behind her, or whatever.
But, alas, her customer focus isn’t what it once was, and therefor I am being forced to make this decision myself. (She’s probably ignoring me after my complaint letter, in fairness.)
Even so though, It is a weakness this dithering, a huge one, and not one I tend to mention at interview stage all that often, and it holds me back.
I’ve not always been like this either, but it seems when I lost my mind, I also lost some of that unshakable positivity and faith that all will work out for the best.
It’s left me a little scared.
It’s left me not really knowing my own mind, my own worth, or my own strength.
My facebook timeline is litered with scan pictures and second baby’s, even some third babies, adorable new borns, huge happy families, birth announcements….
Well you get the picture.
And I kinda get the impression people are waiting for our announcement.
And here’s the thing,
I just can’t decide.
I can’t decide whether to remove all barriers, jump on him and essentially start trying properly (Let the humping commence!! Mother Nature may shout!) and let fate decide, or to allow myself to feel lucky I survived a terrible illness and a mentally challenging few years and have one beautiful, inspiring, adorable four year old, who I enjoy and love more everyday, if that’s possible, and allow that to be enough.
I know its not just my decision whether we try, but i kinda feel it’s important I’m on board you know?
That if we are gonna do it, I’m 100% confident it’s the right decision.
I’m scared I’ll go mad again.
I’m scared Addison will feel rejected if I do go mad again and also if I don’t.
I’m scared of not having enough money.
I’m scared I’ll end up bludgeoning the Irish one with a rusty fork during sleepless nights.
I want to go back to Disney world.
I want Addison to have a sibling.
I want to touch, hug and have a baby I can enjoy again, but this time without unbearable numbness and sorrow.
I love little humans. I want more little humans.
But I also want to stay sane.
I need to stay sane.
I could lose everything, and yet I could gain so much more if I don’t.
I need help.
How did you all you mothers with second? Third and fourth (God bless you all and your undercarriages) children make this decision?
And also- if Mother Nature ripped it once before, she’s unlikely to want to rip it again…. Right?
(Mental note to self: Add deluded to CV.)
In fact, you can just decide for me.
Do we do it or not?