No Big News.

I have been actively reading around.

Researching, if you will. (Mental note to self: add research and development, to CV.)

And not so randomly either. (Mental note to self: add focused, to CV)

If you were to check the search history on my iPad, and I, like my husband often does (much to my delight), had forgotten to clear the search history (Seriously Irish one? You are looking to improve the performance of the boiler, Again??? Just pay the damn energy bills!! It’s winter!!) For the last week, you would most likely find the following search terms.

• How do first children cope with the birth of a second child?

• How do mothers who completely and utterly lost their tenuous grip on reality and fully lost the plot during the first year of their children’s lives, fair, once the second child comes along?

• Can you rip your bum hole open twice?

• Can you take medication for animal inspired auditory hallucinations, while pregnant?

• Cheap Disney world holidays.

• Is gin taster a real career?

• Can you still get pregnant with a marina coil, while taking the pill, and point blank refusing to have sex?

The search results vary. (And bizarrely tend to include a lot of monkeys.)

My pregnancy test results don’t vary.

Negative.

Negative every single time.

Unsurprisingly.

(Mental note to self: Remove calculated risk taker from CV.)

And yet I still buy them and pee on them, in the hope the decision will be taken out of my hands.

I am terrible at making life decisions you see, just awful.

And as much as I hate it, I prefer it when other people make them.

By other people I don’t mean the Irish one (he wouldn’t dare. Put the damn heating back on!!!) I mean, the universe.

I am a procrastinator, a worst case scenario jumper, a ditherer, and then ‘maybe we should have chosen the other option’ type person.

Mother Nature I have found, isn’t, she makes decisions and sticks to them.

‘I shall immediately and without consideration rip her undercarriage to absolute shreds!!!’

And it has to be said, that’s kind of admirable.

She just goes for it, wand in hand. Hair and dress billowing out behind her, or whatever.

But, alas, her customer focus isn’t what it once was, and therefor I am being forced to make this decision myself. (She’s probably ignoring me after my complaint letter, in fairness.)

Even so though, It is a weakness this dithering, a huge one, and not one I tend to mention at interview stage all that often, and it holds me back.

I’ve not always been like this either, but it seems when I lost my mind, I also lost some of that unshakable positivity and faith that all will work out for the best.

It’s left me a little scared.

It’s left me not really knowing my own mind, my own worth, or my own strength.

My facebook timeline is litered with scan pictures and second baby’s, even some third babies, adorable new borns, huge happy families, birth announcements….
Well you get the picture.

And I kinda get the impression people are waiting for our announcement.

And here’s the thing,

I just can’t decide.

I can’t decide whether to remove all barriers, jump on him and essentially start trying properly (Let the humping commence!! Mother Nature may shout!) and let fate decide, or to allow myself to feel lucky I survived a terrible illness and a mentally challenging few years and have one beautiful, inspiring, adorable four year old, who I enjoy and love more everyday, if that’s possible, and allow that to be enough.

I know its not just my decision whether we try, but i kinda feel it’s important I’m on board you know?

That if we are gonna do it, I’m 100% confident it’s the right decision.

I’m scared I’ll go mad again.
I’m scared Addison will feel rejected if I do go mad again and also if I don’t.
I’m scared of not having enough money.
I’m scared I’ll end up bludgeoning the Irish one with a rusty fork during sleepless nights.
I want to go back to Disney world.
I want Addison to have a sibling.
I want to touch, hug and have a baby I can enjoy again, but this time without unbearable numbness and sorrow.
I love little humans. I want more little humans.

But I also want to stay sane.

I need to stay sane.

I could lose everything, and yet I could gain so much more if I don’t.

I need help.

How did you all you mothers with second? Third and fourth (God bless you all and your undercarriages) children make this decision?

And also- if Mother Nature ripped it once before, she’s unlikely to want to rip it again…. Right?

(Mental note to self: Add deluded to CV.)

In fact, you can just decide for me.

Do we do it or not?

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11 Comments on “No Big News.

  1. mum of five here…every single pregnancy different, every single birth different, every single recovery different, every single child different. I had really bad PND with the first which didn’t actually disappear until I found myself pregnant with number 2. I never had it again. I did have lots of different problems with subsequent babies. After the first two I had a 16 year gap. I wanted another, the dad didn’t. We split I met someone else I started again. If I were to give you any advice at all it would be…it’s easier when you are younger, you bounce back better. I think the fact that you are writing about it and sharing your worries and doubts means that it’s something that you do really want. You need to face your fears, but you never have to face them alone. Good luck,whatever you decide.

  2. The part about wanting a newborn to enjoy without all the horrible numbness I’m totally at that point. I feel so cheated that I lost out in that newborn stage where you’re so freaking tired, but the beauty if that little creature takes your breath away. I so want that, but I don’t know what it might cost.

    Practically speaking mother natures a bitch, so a planned csection would keep things intact. Its a rough recovery, but likely better that incontinence.

  3. i had an awful first pregnancy and then bad PND. I swore I wouldn’t have anymore children but 6years after having our first it felt right to have another one. As soon as I found out I was pregnant again I went to my doctors and told them all of my fears and they were amazing!! They kept an extra close eye on my mental health and even though it was another horrible pregnancy i felt a lot more supported than first time round. I did have some PND issues when little one was a few months old but it was dealt with quickly because of a great support network. Only you can decide if you want another child but I would recommend talking it through with your doctor to make sure they will give you the support you need.

  4. Good luck deciding! We were in exactly the same position 4 years ago. Spent a tough 4 years with our first child and then we got the ‘only child guilt’. Our lives were so sorted. Although it had been tough we were through all the tantrums, me crying every day, poo being thrown down the stairs (child, not me), and our little family were happy. Life was good. Then we went for our second. BAM! She’s four and a half now and I am just getting over it. Perhaps I was never designed to be responsible for other people. It’s been so tough but the dark days seem to be behind me now. I think my second was so much harder than my first but perhaps it was just because I was almost 5 years older. Never again. My husband almost skipped to the snip clinic! Good luck.
    (p.s. Obviously I love my kids. They are great and I wouldn’t change a thing, but each of then sent me mental in their own special way)

  5. I couldn’t bring myself to admit I wanted another baby. I had horrible PND til he was well over a year old and I didn’t want to do it again – I really couldn’t understand why anyone had babies because they’re so awful. But then a blue moon came along and now we have a second baby – such a different experience! The second time around you’re more prepared for the reality of life with a baby, you and your partner know the signs and I saw mental health practitioners throughout my pregnancy so I didn’t have to wait to be referred if it happened again. Thankfully 4 months later it hasn’t xx

  6. Sorry no advice here. My 2nd baby was desperately wanted after 2 miscarriages and was the hardest work when she finally arrived. My 3rd surprised us at one of the most difficult periods in my life but is and always has been the most adorable gift. Women’s bodies are strange things. I knew after no 3 that I was too old to put myself through it all again. I needed to move forward, physically, mentally and professionally. I still however wonder if I should after 3 girls try for a little boy but back to sleepless nights, nappies and another 5 yrs at home, maybe not. That craving to hold a baby in your arms doesn’t go though does it. I think I’ll hold out for grandkids though. Good luck with your decision x

  7. Which is precisely the thing we can’t do! Children are resilient and they get used to a sibling- they argue a lot and irritate each other but while I understand your concern for A re a new baby, in my eyes, that’s the smallest worry- children adapt 🙂
    I’d say the biggest question is do you want another baby? Or in 20yrs time,would you regret not having another baby? If the answer is yes then that’s something to work with. Can anyone promise 100% that the bumhole thing won’t happen again- no. But they also can’t promise you it 100% definitely will. I’d suggest/hope you’d get more monitoring/ support 2nd time round but maybe that’s something you could ask your GP- flesh out some of the unknowns.
    Bless you for sharing and sorry I can’t tell you and the Irish one what to do xx

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