PNW. (Post Natal Wedding.)

…. And they lived happily ever after…

‘I swear to god Irish one if you don’t stop throwing random crap in to this bag in a haphazardly manner I will bludgeon you to death with a blunt gardening tool and get my dad to wear you as a puppet on the wedding day! We do NOT need to bring these!!’

I am holding up fluffy ski socks.

‘But my feet get cold.’  he shrugs his shoulders and walks dejectedly out of the room.

I sigh, roll my eyes and toss the socks back on to the washing basket before checking my phone again for the fiftieth time in 7 minutes.

She still hasn’t text.

Tomorrow morning we fly out to Disney World in Florida from Manchester airport Terminal 2. (I know it is Terminal 2 because the Irish one made me phone 3 times. Once to check the terminal, once to check baggage allowance and then once to, well, check the terminal again because I couldn’t remember what she had said in the first call.)

Yesterday I spent an hour looking for my handbag only to locate it in the fridge.

This gives you an idea of where I am at.

We have a 9 hour flight with a three year old who very recently, seemingly decided that the only way to effectively communicate was by assaulting our eardrums with a sound similar to what I imagine a cat being tortured with a burning rod up the bottom, would sound like.

A screeching 3 year old (who will be pretending to be 2 so we can get him in to the parks for free. Bless him, we have told him he is 2 so many times that now when we ask him to count to ten he does so like this – 1,2,3, 2,3, 4,5,6,7,… and so on.)

She still hasn’t text.

Yesterday I recieved an email off the vicar asking for 100 words on why I wanted to Marry the Irish one, and he too had to send a separate email explaining why he wanted to marry me.

I was flummoxed.

100 words?

After being told I was absolutely not allowed to send a jokey email back in the form of ‘Because he likes big butts and he can not lie…’ I decided to write the truth.

Dear Vicar,

I want to marry the Irish one because he is fit, because he makes a good curry, because he never left me even when I was completely psychotic and pulling up our carpet, stealing government issued overalls and repeatedly weeing all over myself, and also because I often absolutely slate him on my blog and he doesn’t seem to mind.

Oh and also because I love him, he is my soul mate, yada, yada, yada, and he often calls me skinny. It was a no brainer.

Yours truly.


She still hasn’t text.

He on the other hand, sent a much longer thought out response which has me a little worried.

If he starts spouting on about how much he loves me and crap on Thursday I will absolutely kill him.

I find public emotion revolting.

I should have sent that to the vicar.

Dear Vicar,

I am marrying him, is it not obvious that I love him? One doesn’t need a green card to live in Ireland, not that we will ever live in Ireland. Don’t go all soppy ok? Or I may punch you in the penis mid ceremony.

Yours gratefully,


She still hasn’t text.

I need to stop looking at my phone and just face facts.

I am a motherless bride.

She has chosen not to attend for reasons that I will never understand or accept.

She has once again not been able to be a mother.

I don’t know why I am surprised, it has been this way for many years, the emotional ‘games’ as she calls them, I guess I just hoped this time it would be different, because you know, even though she is and always has been a brick wall to me, I just hoped that this time when I ran in to it, it would be more receptive.

But nope, once again I have scrapes and bruises and a battered heart.

Obviously she will be telling people she wasn’t invited but I am here to set the record straight.

She has chosen not to attend, just like she chose not to invite me to her wedding 8 years ago because it would have been too painful to have me there when my brother was dead.



Tomorrow we are flying out to Florida and on Thursday I am to marry the Irish Man of my dreams.

My mother in Law is walking down the aisle with my little groomsmen and my dad is walking me down the aisle.

People will no doubt ask where my mother is and I will smile and move past the years of anguish and hurt because my wedding day will not be another parade she rains on.

I will look back and have no regrets.

I spent the last two days crying and now I will be focusing on the holiday of a lifetime, a fairytale I deserve, and being the kind of my mum to my little boy, I never had.

So I will see you on the other side mentalists.

And I swear to god if any of you refer to me as Mrs. Doyle on friday, or offer me a cup of tea, or come at me with a shaky tray I will block your ip address. (I will accept a cocaine cupcake though.)

Peace out.


Did he say he had COLD FEET, or he got COLD FEET?

Irish one! You can bring your bloody socks!!!


9 Comments on “PNW. (Post Natal Wedding.)

  1. Have an AMAZING day tomorrow. It’s your mum’s loss, everyone who will be there loves you and will make sure you have the most special day. And I second the request for pictures 😉 x

  2. She is a fool. A bloody fool. And I hope she reads that. Absolutely disgusting behaviour to not be there for your daughter, just like it’s absolutely disgusting behaviour to blame you for living. She does not deserve you, and *I* mean that in a good way chick.

    You will have the Disney wedding, and you will have a brilliant time because IO loves you, your dad loves you and AddyWoo loves you. Wish I could be there, I’ll be gouging your mother’s eyes out instead.

  3. Love it, love you. Have an amazing time, it’s a shame she won’t be there but it’s her regret not yours.

  4. It is her loss; and she’s doing it to get the reaction she’s getting from you. Don’t let her win, Lexi. Rise above it and focus on what is most important to you right now – your little family unit.

    Have an AMAZING time. We got married in Florida but didn’t do the Disney thang as it is not really me. I know you have your heart set on it so your focus must be on having the day of your life. Will be thinking of you on Thursday.

  5. You will have the most amazing day ever, you deserve this and all the happiness in the world. It’s your mum’s loss, she is the one who will live to regret this not you. Have a wonderful time and can’t wait to read & see all about it. Enjoy every minute. Hugs n xx

  6. I hope it is an amazing day. It will be absolutely fantastic. It’s such a shame she’s not going but it is her loss and you will have the best day ever despite her not being there! I can’t wait to see your pics (I hope there are pics later on posts :)). Best ever wishes Lexi for your special day xx

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