And that is the problem with pretending you don’t suffer from mental illness, you see, It’s just not sustainable.

At some point whatever it is you suffer with, be that voices in your head, an overwhelming urge to just randomly punch people in the groin, emotional and violent mood swings, foreboding and terrifying panic attacks that leave you feeling much like a used condom must feel, or even just your bog standard Pre menstrual turrets (sorry I called you a Poisonous bastard for finishing the bread Irish one – I’m due on.) At some point, whether you like it or not, well those symptoms are going to come bursting out of the closet with as much force as a cork off a champagne bottle, and there won’t be a damn thing you can do about it.

Pretending to be normal when you aren’t, just isn’t sustainable.

Sorry is that harsh?

Are you tutting at the screen and rolling your eyes while muttering ‘well what is normal these days anyway?’ 

I don’t know.

I have no idea what Normal is.

But I imagine ‘Normal’ to be Not hearing voices telling you to punch the vicar in the penis, when you are stood calmly chatting about your wedding service.

I imagine ‘Normal’ as Being able to get in to bed at night, Without fighting against the overwhelming need to stroke the dog exactly 197 times, or you will all be burned alive in your beds.

I imagine ‘Normal’ to be a quiet place, a place where worries come and go, where laughter is only a moment away and ice cream is what you look forward to at the end of a long day, not a concoction of anti-psychotic and depressive medications pressed in to your palm at 7pm to prevent your other half from having to endure another sleepless night, listening to the dulcet tones of you, once again pulling up the carpet with your bare fingers adamant that this is where the pirates have left their hidden treasure.

I am not admitting to all of these symptoms, only a couple of the above statements would be relevant in my circumstances.

But I guess what I am trying to say, is that hiding it, pretending you are absolutely fine, when you are plummeting in to a lonely hole filled with nothing but shadows, well it gets you absolutely nowhere, but MentalVille Arizona.

As I found out today, when my brain exploded in the middle of a very busy cafe and just about everybody there watched a meltdown of epic proportions, while pretending to look away and whispering to their friends ‘poor girl.’

I thought if I ignored it.

I thought if I smiled harder.

I thought if I over medicated.

I thought if I denied it to myself, if I just wished it away…

I could be normal.

If you want something bad enough…

Then maybe I could be easygoing.

What is your deepest darkest secret?

One you have never told a soul?

Did you betray a friends confidence or steal from the corner shop?

Or are you quietly being eaten by your brain?

I think it is about time I begin to possibly approach the subject of acceptance.

Accepting I have a mental illness, whether I like it or not.

Accepting that Denial really is a pointless and hopeless waste of energy.

Accepting the disappointment that yes, in some areas of my life, this mental illness will hold me back, but for good reason.

Accepting myself.

The new me.

The fully honest me, not just the half honest me.

Even to myself.

Accepting that some days, months, hours, moments; I can and will feel ‘Normal.’

And finally,

Accepting that other days, I will be that ‘poor girl’ that is fighting, struggling against my brain while others are simply Living, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

(Except, Accept, care.)


11 Comments on “Acceptance.

  1. “Normal is a cycle on a washing machine” (I think it was Oprah or someone similar who once said it on her TV show)
    Normality is different for each of us. YOU my sweet are not and never will be “normal” because you are TOO DAM SPECIAL xxxx

    PS Try NOT to punch the vicar ANYWHERE on his body, it may not go down to well 😉

  2. some of us aren’t normal, but we do the best we can. we remember that the times of crazy and agony will pass. we try not to hurt others in our wake, we take responsibility when we do, and we apologize for the hurts. and above all, we keep taking our medication.

  3. It’s the only thing that works for me when I’m feeling blah, ugh, shithouse, fucked, whatever – is mindfulness. Sitting with whatever it is and not fighting it. Normal doesn’t exist. It really doesn’t.

  4. We are all ‘that poor girl’ sometimes. It’s shit, but it’s ok. Even if you are not, right now, who you’d want to be, you are still ok

  5. Suddenly I don’t know what normnal is either,I love my life but it is chaotic and over busy but I feel you deal with so much more than I do in a very different way. Being able to express all you feel as you do is such a skill, one I will never have, as for who is normal, we all are!

Ah go on go on go on - reply?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


Reviews, news and immaterial opinions...


Tales of Travel

Mr Oliver.

Gaming, Music & Movies


parenting anxiety panic love laughter

Madre se aprende

Porque nadie nació sabiendo

A Box of Fluffies

The fluffy and not so fluffy of mummyhood: Memoirs and musings

Victorian Mini

Adventures in Modeling

feeding my intolerant child

Overcoming the challenges of food intolerance

The Tipsy Runner

One step at a time.......

Mum Muddling Through

Mum with more questions than answers


The ravings of a Gay man with a personality disorder and HIV. I'm a catch!

This is me. Fibro. Chronic Fatigue. Depression. The lot.

Life, family, Fibro, Depression, work.

Not Another Mum and baby group

A place for mums to get together for support and socialising


Me & Me Girl (MG) on a mission to change the world, one bit at a time...

Days in Bed

Enjoying Life With Chronic Illness


where three roads meet, there she is standing

Dad Without A Map

Unwrapping parenthood one nappy at a time

Weight Watchers Vegetarian

Vegetarian and vegan recipes and ideas for following Weight Watchers UK

Sarsm's Blog

Quest for humour in my existence

Theplumbum's Blog

Stuff and me


keep going

A Cornish Mum

Cornwall, Lifestyle, Parenting, Type 1 Diabetes Blog

Dear Mummy Blog

The travellings of Bella and her folks!

Psych Circus

Enjoy, Learn, and Erase Stigma!

Bipolarparent's Blog

Bipolar, Parenting, social services involvement but mostly me

Right from the Start

Play, Early Education and more...

HonieMummy Blog

The ramblings & goings on of the HonieHouse, HonieKitchen & HonieLikes

Tales from inside

Our family life


Oscar Relentos


A digital space feat. poetry, art, nonfiction, interviews, and reviews by marginalized creators.


Ey Ey Ey Calm Down!!!

Long Distance Daughter

Support on the journey of caring for aging parents


a day in the life of my sketchbook...

A Mum on a Mission


Mother's Always Right

Life as a mum, uncut

Nothing But Words & Wine

Often Wine Sodden, always Emotional musings of a single Mummy sinking under the housework.

Mum on the brink

Parenting, travel and technology... and more

Living otherwise

another view on how we make it up

A Write Relief... (for PND)

A thirty-something mum's journey through postnatal depression... and beyond!


Just another weblog

MuddlePuddle Home Education

Resource site for home educators in the UK

%d bloggers like this: