Handle with Extreme Care.
Frayed around the edges.
At least that was how I felt two weeks ago.
Now I feel like a snotty, grey piece of tissue that has been through a full cycle 90 degree mega wash.
There are little parts of me stuck everywhere, EVERYWHERE.
It’s like I have been torn to shreds and inadvertently shared out amongst a load of clean laundry.
If each individual person who has called me, needed me, asked me for something, been anywhere near me, pestered me over email, rang my doorbell, popped a stamp on my envelope, smiled at me, gushed with me, waved at me, chatted with me, listened to me and has in someway broken my heart over the past few weeks, were to inspect about their person, they would undoubtedly find a small part of my brain unwittingly stuck to them.
I feel like ringing them all and saying ‘HEY! Will you flick me off?’
That sounded better in my head…and less rude. But you know what I mean right?
I feel like they have all unknowingly and against my will, taken a part of me with them.
All that is left of me is the hard knotty clump bit, that can no longer even be described as tissue anymore.
Oh poor little me, I am organising the wedding of my dreams and I can’t handle it, Oh poor little me, I should be thanking my lucky stars and singing a song of sixpence or some shit shouldn’t I?
At least that is what my voice tells me.
My heart on the other hand is run ragged.
I am not a girly girl.
Yeah ok I like pink, and nail polish and chocolate, and Grey’s anatomy, and sunglasses and shoes, but planning a wedding?
Imagining my wedding day and all the guff that goes with that, well that has definitely NOT been something I have dreamed about all my life or whatever.
In fairness I am still a bit shocked someone has agreed to marry me.
So how in the hell did this happen?
Oh that’s right.
I was cleaning up Dog Poo and he asked me.
My emotions are everywhere, EVERYWHERE. (Dog POO!!!)
11 minutes ago I was playing Candy Crush and I was quite relaxed, it has to be said.
And then stupidly, 7 minutes ago I decided to watch a deaf, mute girl ride a horse in a stupid Facebook video someone shared, and immediately found myself sobbing at the poor deaf, mute girl, who lets face it, probably isn’t deaf or mute, but just wants a shit load of ‘likes’ or whatever but I swear, I swear, when that deaf, mute girl got on that horse and rode like the wind, none of that mattered, it was like the most moving thing I have ever seen man! EVER!
And so when 2 minutes ago The Irish one ambled in to find me sobbing uncontrollably and talking gibberish about how inspirational mute people are, and politely asked me if I had taken my medication, I of course, being the level headed person I am (Not) at the moment, responded in the only way I could.
By jumping off the sofa and calling him ‘a poisonous little slug from hell’ before immediately laughing hysterically and wandering in to the kitchen for some chocolate.
But there wasn’t any.
And so now here I am.
What the hell have I become?
All I can think about is how drab I look in my dress, how could I choose such a boring piece of shit? It isn’t even pink!
And seriously, where did all this arm flab come from? I look normal in normal clothes but the minute I head in to that fitting room, I swear, it’s like my arms morph in to rubber banana boats! Who the hell keeps inflating my arms???
Holidaymakers will be queuing up to drag me behind a boat and ride me out to sea soon, I just know it.
And then I am angry.
Oh and then there is the mother who isn’t coming.
And that’s when I want to start drinking.
I’m too exhausting to be loved.
She isn’t coming.
And I am hung-over.
When did I start drinking again?
How did that happen?
I have eczema in places I didn’t know one could get eczema.
I am the alternative Justin Timberlake. I am bringing itchy back.
(Also – is it wrong I want to walk down the aisle to Sexy Back?… It’s my moment and I want to OWN it!)
I need to get me back.
Attention please! This is a Tannoy announcement for the calm, medicated Lexy who struggles to care about stuff because she is too busy dying her hair and chatting and being a normal psychotic manic-depressive!
There is only one thing left to say.
Will you please flick me off already?