The End. (Maybe.)

It’s been a while; oh I do know it has been a while.

I can’t tell you what has been keeping me away, because the truth is I am not so sure myself.

Actually I am.

So many reasons have kept me away really, but ultimately if I  tick them off one by one, at the bottom of the pile, like a smelly old sock, lies the smouldering, stinky and unwanted reason that has meant each and every time I reached for my laptop, I pulled my hand away as if i had been burnt.

(That is a terrible Metaphor. Why would a sock burn me? But anyway, if you wouldn’t mind terribly bearing with me on the metaphor front I promise they will get better. I should probably admit now, I am a little drunk. OK, a lot drunk. And everyone knows that metaphors are impossible when one is inebriated, so in all honesty I think I did rather well. A sock may burn you if it has been there a really long time. And it is next to the radiator. OR IS ON FIRE!

I also apologise for turning up here, after weeks of absence, blind drunk, but I feel I should explain, I had to get drunk to open the laptop. Because of that bloody sock. Normal service may return when I sober up.)

I guess in a way, I feel like a fallen glitter ball that has shattered in to a million shards, each shard a splintering and painful reminder of why I am unable to write.

I never wrote for stats, not that there is anything wrong in doing so.

To see each person visit and read and like a post, well that is Tequila for the soul in itself isn’t it? It always gives me a warm feeling when I get a like, so I guess saying I didn’t write for stats is actually a lie isn’t it? because don’t we all hope for someone to listen to us in someway? At somepoint in our lives?

I don’t do reviews, I envy and admire those who do but for me, writing has always been about the words my soul won’t allow my voice to speak, and as I find it quite easy to speak about the day to day, reviews I guess, just never floated my boat.

Plus I am absolute shite at writing them.

Do you remember that one I did at the beginning for the baby sling? And I didn’t want to put the baby in the sling, so I put the dog in it instead and then proudly posted loads of photos of me carrying around Doodle the Poodle? I thought that was genius. Turns out Babasling didn’t agree.

And oh oh! Then I did that one for Dyson about how awesome the ‘Hoover’ was as it sucked up all the hair from my drain, and they got all arsy cos Apparently I should have called it a ‘Vacuum’ (well excuuuuse me) and also they didnt want me to promote thier product as a drain cleaner, as it could potentially electrocute people to death. Well, how the hell was I supposed to know??

I think I am on the review blacklist cos all I get sent now is people offering to write for me.

Thank you to those bloggers who do review though and write about crafts, post photos and teach me how to be a mother, as it is because of you I have grown as a parent, taken your ideas and presented them to my beautiful boy (as my own) and eventually fallen in love

Not only have I found days out, products and smiles in the midst of an era that has just about finished me off, but I have also seen genuine tenderness and concern and experienced a sense of friendship and community like no other, and I will always be grateful for our huge, crazy, sad and sometimes argumentative and bonkers community.

(See how honest I am when drunk?)

I guess, in a way, over the weeks of delusional and sometimes acutely paranoid silence, due to the sock, not only did I lose my way, but I also lost the desire to put anything down on paper, just in case…

I was too scared to speak, to write, to even open the Damn laptop.

My blog, my writing has always about been about cleansing, sharing and in someway telling my story, my life, and the way I am living it.

Mammywoo was my space to do whatever I wanted, to say whatever I felt, my freedom, my comfort and my tiny space in a world of trillions that was existentially me.

Somewhere I was safe no matter what.

No one could hurt me or have a go at me for writing here and if they did, because of you, my gorgeous followers, I had the courage to tell them to Cock off.

And then all of a sudden that changed.

It became a weapon being used against me.

I was challenged in a way I have never experienced before and this place, this paradise was no longer the place I ran to, the place I adored, but a cold and unwelcoming residence, where I had to watch my language, my words, my feelings and in some ways, retain some dignity and privacy in the face of the most intense of cyber bullies I have experienced.

A cyber Twat, if you will, who knows me inside out and then began to surreptitiously and with the most intense of cunning use everything I had ever written and felt, against me.

I would feel her wherever I went, whenever I spoke, whenever I looked in the corner at my writing space,  and especially when I was struggling and needed to reach out.

I began holding back from grabbing my beautiful laptop, from feeling the rush of words on paper, my fingers flying over the keyboard as I emptied my humanity in a way I had never been able to do before, and instead found myself mindlessly playing Candy Crush. (Level 156 bitches!!)

The laptop lay lifeless.

Having just turned it on now, it punished me, presenting me with the dreaded blue screen and a message telling me it no longer loved me.

(Screw you error code 202. We love each other! Seriously, If my Macbook Pro could get a job and change bedding I think I would marry it.)

I was going to write this evening to say goodbye.

I had planned a long and drawn out thank you post.

I was going to apologise and bid you all a huge thank you for sticking with me, I was going to pretend to be fine now and then shut Mammywoo down.

(I am not fine. I am playing my part.)

I still think in a way, it may be time to say goodbye to this dusty and forgotten corner of my world which holds so much pain and joy for me but I also hope has helped others, but….

But now I’m here I am starting to remember the strength it gives me.

And really, who has time to set up an anonymous blog anyway?

Maybe, just maybe, I should just continue to be honest and not let it beat me.

And to say goodbye would be to admit defeat wouldn’t it?

So maybe a rest is as good as a…

what is the end of that saying?

A holiday?

Anyway.

I think I may be back.

*please do not ever use a Babasling to hold a dog and whatever you do, do NOT use the hoover Dyson to clean out the bath drain, it may not end well for you.

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23 Comments on “The End. (Maybe.)

  1. I think the Twitter community would happily watch your back. I love your blog and all your honesty. Bullies are just jealous of your life and the person you are. I moderate all blog comments I must say and had some hassle on Twitter but managed to sort it out. People will back you up.

    Your blog is a big part of you. You’ll love her again when you’re ready but don’t let someone else tell you that you can’t love a part of you. I’d write about the bully. Name and shame if you must but put it out there and don’t let anyone put their sad little stamp on you. You’re better than all of that.

    Besides, you’re a wonderful writer. It’s part of who you are, just like your right arm xxx

  2. i pop by everyw once in a while and always read tons you are talented funny, honest and inspiring. i think the best blog writer ther is (i keep losing to you for best blog post at the MADS!) Lexi you have a gift and however you write…writing is something you were born to do . Big huggles. I’m a fan

  3. Perhaps you could take up writing alternative reviews? Your blog is obviously loved by lots of us and we’d so love to see what alternative funny uses you can find for every day house hold items. (but please don’t blow yourself up with a George Foreman!)
    Take it easy
    @afieldsomewhere

  4. Fuck no woman! I’ve never read such beautiful and honest (and funny) writing in the blogs that I usually read.Your account of being admitted had me consult my doctor about my depression and anxiety.

  5. Please please please don’t leave! I absolutely love your blog, it’s so heartfelt and honest, yet hilarious. If you ever feel yourself being dragged down by bullies, read these comments and see that you’re a much loved, admired and inpsirational writer. Fluck the bullies and keep hoovering x

  6. I’m so glad to see you blog again! I was starting to worry when you hadn’t posted for a while. Your blog is the only one I’ve subscribed to and it has made me laugh and cry. I hope you don’t stop blogging. I don’t understand why there must always be someone who has to poo on others. Stay strong, you aren’t alone!

  7. I love your writing, and I am so sorry that it has possibly come to this – you are honest, and manage to make us all laugh despite some of the terrible pain you have and continue to go through. I hope you come back. Don’t let whomever get you down. May the trolls burn, just like the socks…

  8. What can I say that wont echo everything in the previous 15 comments….
    WE LOVE YOU and your honesty, we love that you make us laugh, cry and pee our selves just a little all at the same time. We love the suspense from the 1st line of each blog post and the relief of the last one. We love Addy, Doodle and the Irish one, the exploits, the laughter, the tears, the poo.

    Bullies are bullies because they have NO LIFE of their own and will only get a kick out of it if they think they are winning. Knock down the walls, open the doors and windows wide and scream COME AND HAVE A GO BITCH…. cos you have an army at your side…
    We are NOT behind you, we stand at your side, through every event, word, tear and fall. We are HERE FOR YOU.

    LOVE YOU WOO

  9. I stumbled upon your blog by chance, and read most posts. Don’t quit, everyone needs a “private” space. You will lose your minf if you don’t! #%ck the bully, there is nothing anyone can tell you you don’t know already, that’s the beauty of honesty. Your faults are your armour not their weapons. I don’t have many friends, two to be precise, and I live hundreds of miles from them, I admire your blog, when I’m feeling alone it reminds me that I’m not alone in loneliness. It also confirms that there are still normal people in this world, and that it’s not completely full of fake, plastic non emotional idiots who have been sucked into the belief that to show emotion is a negative thing. I like soley by my emotions and I’m proud to do so, no excuses, no faking a smile, no regrets. How you feel inside is the only truth. Do what you want to do, what you feel is right. If you decide to leave you will be missed. Good luck.

  10. What the Boy and Me said !

    Beautiful, clever, funny, honest, lady Xxx

    I gave up the blog and the reviewing too and moved onto the real world.

    Write your blog for you gorgeous girl, you will always have people who read it. You are a very talented and honest writer. Xxx

  11. I have always admired your honesty…you’re quite frankly unique way of telling the world what happens in the world of mammywoo has had me giggling at the most inopportune of
    moments and having to apologise to people around me…..

    The moment I started reading your blog, I was hooked…

    Without a doubt you are my favourite blog writer – ever…

    You tell it like it is, but with a huge slice of humour running through every thread and given an insight in to what your life is like.

    I hope you don’t give up. Though I do
    Understand why…. X

  12. Don’t go! If you go she wins and bullies should never win ever!! The best revenge is doing what you do so well and showing her that her twisted version of you doesn’t matter!!!

  13. Please come back – you are my favourite, favourite blog because you make me laugh and cry all at the same time and I am in awe of your amazing talent. If you give up please write books – I’d miss your eloquence and honesty.

  14. I’m an unabashed fan of your blog and it’s incredibly disgusting that someone has used it against you – but I’m not surprised because there’s so many idiots out there.

    I wish you every success (whatever that means to you) for your wedding and onwards. Hope to see you back here but if not, it’s been enlightening and a privilege to read your blog.

    Take care.
    Lisa x

  15. Don’t stop because we all need to hear from you, that idiot doesn’t really think or feel anything about your words, they are just an idiot being an idiot. They can’t help that they are destructive and moronic, but it is up to you to recognise that the words they say are completely valueless and move past them. Xxxx

  16. Who the hell do I need to go and have words with?! Because the words would be COCK OFF! You are a strong woman, you don’t think you are, but you are. You’ve been through so much, and you keep surviving because you are strong! You’re also MAMMYWOO and don’t you ever let any knobbish prick tell you differently.

    COCK OFF CYBERBULLY!

  17. Lovely to have you back x so sorry you’ve had such an awful time, think your fab for standing up to such nasty people and carrying on. Lots of love and looking forward to next post xxxxx

  18. I don’t often comment on blogs, however I needed to let you know that I’m here silently routing for you and willing you to carry on writing.
    Your posts often put into words the things that I am thinking or feeling but just don’t seem to have the right words to express plus you are able to do this in a way that nearly always makes me laugh.
    Just keep on doing what you are doing and don’t let the negative people bring you down.
    K xxxxx

  19. Ignore the cyber twat! Your posts are fantastic, beautifully and hilariously written and bring a smile to the faces of people who from time to time struggle with what life throws at them (everyone – except perhaps Dyson :/ ). You’re an incredibly inspiring lady! Please don’t give up blogging! 🙂 xxx

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