Beauty and the Buffoon.
I guess you could say, I am not your average Disney princess.
If they ever do decide to make a musical fairytale however, about a self harming, suicidal, manic depressive and slightly paranoid flabby woman, with a penchant for tattoos and wearing fake eye lashes, who gets sectioned but fights hard to get better, finds a man, hates him, loves him, hates him, loves him and eventually agrees to marry him and walk off in to the sunset with him, joined by a crazy 2 year old and a dog with an explosive rectum– then I would be totally perfect for the part.
Until then though, I will keep trying to fit my square peg fantasy in to the Disney round hole.
I am all in a dither.
I guess I should mention that I no longer smoke (2 weeks without nicotine and the Irish one is lucky he still has both of his eyebrows, he is doing my head in!! But on the plus side – I can breathe and food never tasted so good, honestly! Chocolate tastes insane!) So, anyway- where as usually I would be puffing away right now, stressed as I am, I have instead inadvertently ended up stress eating mini jammy dodgers.
It’s ok though, these little coins of Jammy Gold won’t affect my wedding diet (the anti thigh rub diet, as it has come to be known) as everybody knows if no one sees you eating them the calories don’t count, and also I have my eyes closed in the hope my hips just won’t notice.
The thing is you see, (she says shoving another 4 in for good measure…) In precisely one hour my telephone is going to ring and I am going to have to pick it up and speak to a jolly American.
Now usually this wouldn’t be a bad thing, given that I love the American’s as much as I do… Actually, did I ever tell you the story about what happens whenever I get drunk?
Basically it goes like this- whenever I get drunk, I fake an American accent and tell everyone in hearing distance I am not from Eccles Manchester, but actually from Utah.
I have no idea why I pick Utah, I just always do, it seems to just roll easily of my drunken tongue, plus it sounds cool. I can picture myself being a cheerleader in Utah, or a rocker or something. Utttaaaahhhhh…. It’s just easy to ‘drawwwwl’ in an American accent.
Do you know what isn’t easy to say in an American accent? (while we are on the subject?)
‘Sugar puffs.’ Don’t ever try and say ‘Sugar puffs’ in an American accent, as you will blow your cover. Even Americans can’t say sugar puffs in an American accent.
Try it if you don’t believe me.
See? You sound like you need help don’t you?
But anyway, back to the point, usually a chat with a real life genuine American would ensure I would be counting down the moments until the shrieking and ‘Howdy and grits!’ and ‘y’all have a nice day’ began.
I LOVE THE AMERICANS.
I should have been American in my opinion.
I was simply born to say things like ‘Freeedommmm!’ and ‘Hey y’all, watch out for those ERBS on the SIDEWALK!’
But oh no, not today, today I am suffering with the regular old British anxiety.
Michelle is the American ringing me today, you see.
And not only is she American, she is Disney American.
Which means I am doubly in awe (and doubly jealous of her heritage and job) and therefore am unable to act like a normal person.
Michelle is my sugar sweet wedding coordinator (the wedding comes with one, it’s like they knew that if they didn’t organise it and plan it for me – it would be a disaster) and due to my immense nerves, excitement and an underlying need to be accepted by her as cool, for some reason, whenever we speak I turn in to a robot.
A robot stuck on ‘demo mode English accents.’
It’s almost as if her sweetness is my kryptonite.
As soon as I hear her friendly, Disneyfied and incredibly well-trained voice saying just the right thing at the right time, I immediately turn in to one of the street urchins from Oliver Twist.
My English accent becomes so prominent I either sounds like I am sucking on a plum or it randomly and without warning violently swing’s in to cockney gangster and I start throwing in words like ‘apples and pears’ and ‘Guvnor.’
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I need this woman to like me; I need this woman to get me!
She is organizing my wedding for me for goodness sake!
My nerves have ruined every conversation we have ever had so far, and I am pretty sure she is regretting the day she accepted me as a client!
I don’t think she understood why me telling her I was in a mental institute was so important but it was, in my head.
I was trying to bond.
And also I felt the need to explain why I have chosen ‘The Mad Hatter’ theme and why absolute mentalness on the day is essential, to make me feel at home.
‘Being crazy means a lot to me you see madam. I was sectioned once in a loony bin, a crazy house if you will! So I totally get the Mad Hatter and how misunderstood he is init.’
‘So what wedding colours are you going for?’ She asked me in the awkward silence following my admission.
‘Black, white and neon pink please darling.’ I said, adding the darling inadvertently, and ending up sounding like Edwina from Absolutely Fabulous. ‘I am not uptight or an idiot you know,’ I felt the need to clarify ‘I just speak like this when I get a bit squiffy.’
(SQUIFFY? I meant nervous!!!)
‘Huh?’ She smiled down the phone, in the way that only Disney employees can, smiling down the phone while signaling to her Disney colleague she has a weirdo on the line, no doubt.
‘Nothing alreeet ’I barked in a random Geordie accent while holding my head in my hands and despairing.
Soon after this, we decided (I say we, but it was blatantly her who decided) it would probably best if she rang me back at a more ‘appropriate’ time to get down to the nitty gritty.
(I want some gas and air!)
It seems now is a more appropriate time.
In precisely one hour my wedding coordinator is ringing me for the nittiest of the gritty and I have no idea what I am going to say.
She is going to ask me my choice of song for walking down the aisle.
It is an important conversation!!
The Irish one has chosen his song.
He is walking down the aisle to, are you ready for this?
Eye of the Tiger.
He thinks this is hilariously original but when I told Michelle I am sure she groaned, but then tried to disguise it with a Disney like cough.
But he is adamant.
He says after all I have put him through, this is his victory dance.
He is limbering up for the rest of his life with me, like Rocky would.
The grandparents, kids and bridesmaids are coming down the aisle to Beauty and the beast, Tale as old as time.
That’s the romantic bit. (I really wish my bridesmaids would consider dressing up as the candlestick, the clock and the teapot – but alas, they won’t.)
And then it’s my turn, and here is my dilemma.
I want it to be a surprise, I want to enjoy the moment and I want to remember it forever!
But mostly I want it to be me.
A bit mad, a bit sad, a bit romantic, a bit idiotic but mostly, completely unexpected and random.
But so far my list just feels a bit crap!
None of my favourite songs seem to fit!
Hand on your heart (Kylie Minogue) – because it is brilliantly 80’s and I could do the headshake as the door opened and totally work it. And also it’s a great tune, you know it is. I could wear leggings under my dress!
I kissed a girl and I liked it (Katy Perry) Just cos I think it’ll be hilarious and also I always secretly dreamed of my own music video, and also it will be dramatic and unheard of. And lets face it, nobody would ever have expected it! And they will all be like ‘DID SHE? Did she kiss a girl???’
The sweetest thing (U2) – The lyrics are a bit depressing though, and this is the one-day I want no depression, not one ounce of it! Plus I am not a brown -eyed girl. I have blue eyes, and well… I just don’t know, is it not a bit cheesy? A bit plinky plonky?
Mama do the hump. You know the one! Mama do the hump, mama mama do the hump! Mama do the hump hump! My dad and I could totally jive, catwalk and prance down the long aisle – It’s inspired! We could do a few turns! It’s not very romantic though. Plus mama doesn’t do the hump anymore. Not really.
Resurrection. – Because I love Ian brown.
Please Don’t Leave Me – (Pink) Because I don’t want him to leave me, basically.
Sex on fire – it isn’t, but you know, it used to be, before we had the kid, and my body was ripped in two and the nights got shorter and we got SKY TV. The sex used to be on fire. SO maybe we could re-ignite the flame!! Saying that though I don’t fancy walking down the aisle next to my dad while the kings of Leon moan and groan and The Irish one looks at me like I’ve lost my mind…. again.
And then there is all the music we love and listen to together.
Walking in Memphis has a great opening, Arizona by kings of Leon I adore, but then what about ABC by the Jackson five? That is Addison’s favourite tune! Ignition by R kelly! On a ragga tip by SL2! or Paradise by Coldplay. Or the Romeo and Juliet fish tank song!
Or I know! I know! What about The Peppa Pig theme tune! It’s what we listen to the most!
I just don’t know!
I need to pick something more romantic don’t I?
The very thought of that makes me incredibly uncomfortable!!
I may just have to turn my phone off for a little while and get one of the bridesmaids to pretend to be me so she thinks I am normal. Let her pick.
I need to take my medication.
I need Michelle to like me.
I need a drink!
I need to pick a darn song y’all!
I need to be from UTAHHHHHHH.
Or what about ‘They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no…. ‘ (Or is that just too darn obvious?)