“Angry Monkey.”

”Sometimes I like to dig a hole and pretend I am a carrot.”

No, really.

Ok, not really.

But you fully believed me for a second there I bet, which brings me nicely on to my point.

Usually I would Bitch and Moan about how Google is useless!!!!

That actually when I am looking for the Island of ‘Male’ (pronounced Marlay) in the Maldives from my desk at work, trying to show my NEW boss, who is stood behind me peering over my shouler, where we are going on holiday, I really do not appreciate a million photographs of bulbous and hairy purple genetalia type appendages flashing and swinging across my screen.

But today, as I notice another search for ‘Angry monkey on the rampage’ directing folks my way, I actually have to commend Google on their obviously emotional and instinctive search engine accuracy calculation process.

Angry monkey?

Digging holes so I can pretend I am a root vegetable? (Are carrots root vegetables? Yeah… they must be. There is no such thing as a Carrot tree is there? … Is there? NO!  ‘Carrots don’t grow on trees you know Addison! Eat your greens’… or oranges… lets move on.)

Fair play Google.

You’ve probably just summed my little Blog and I up, more accurately and concisely than The Irish one or even any of my close friends or family would dare too, and you are at the very least, honest.

Because I am often angry.

And sometimes I do throw poo.

I may even change my Bio.

An Angry monkey who likes to dig holes and pretend she is a carrot.

While I am on the subject of Stats, I will be honest and tell you I also seem to get a lot of traffic from people searching for a ‘Hulk woman with a flabby belly.’

I am not actually sure though whether that is in fact a genuine search term or whether the Irish one is just trying to send me subliminal messages that aren’t really that subliminal.

I am of the opinion you see, that men, unlike women, are useless at subliminal messages.

For example; when I want sexy time, I tend to lean in seductively and suck on a sausage, or maybe prance about a bit even, in my high heels saying things like ‘saddle up baby.’ (I don’t.)

When he wants sexy time?

Do I even need to go on?


Hulk woman with a flabby belly?

That sounds like one of his compliments.

The next time he shakes his head at me and tuts while I am cramming a mayonnaise and Square Crisp sarnie in my mouth like the world is about to end, I may pay more attention to his finger flicking.

I also get the odd search for ‘Petrol Bumhole Torture.’


I am pretty sure I would remember that as a life event, and come on.

You know how honest I am.

If I had ever had an experience involving my bum hole and anything flammable, you would have definately heard about it by now.

Move on whoever you are, move on, but seriously, good luck in all of your endeavours.

And one last one?

For the person that actually typed in the Mammywoo search box yesterday

‘Do hippos have knees?’

I can confirm that yes.

I do.

And yes.

I am also ‘A bit of a dog who wears big pants and likes cash.’

Oh actually…

That last one was probably just The Irish One again.


5 Comments on ““Angry Monkey.”

  1. This is so hilarious, I actually did laugh out loud at the flabby belly search ha ha ha!! The question is, why on earth would anybody be searching google to find such a thing??!

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