Monthly Archives: September 2012

Bricking it Babble.

I always worry about dying on the toilet. Is that weird? Basically, being trapped in a toilet is my worst nightmare, but dying while on the toilet seriously worries me and flashes through my head each and every time I drop my kecks, but then I figure, well, at least if I die on the […]

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Poop Frogs. (And a Proposal.)

To be completely honest, I just wanted a one-night stand with the new Irish bloke that had recently started working in my office. I thought he was fit, and I am a sucker for an Irish accent. I didn’t even refer to him by his name for the first month, instead calling him ‘Dublin.’ I […]

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A proposal, and a Bucket full of Hamsters. (Yeah.)

‘Who the hell do you think you are Lexy? What kind of person are you? Tell me!’ I catch my annoying therapist’s eye very deliberately for a very brief, uncomfortable moment in the silence immediately following this onslaught; but instead of answering him, I lean down very slowly and purposely, to unlace my big brown […]

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Betrayal. (You want to know what it feels like?)

After all the stones have been hurled, after all the damage has been done, after she has uncontrollably smashed and broken and torn and scraped and fought and thrashed and punched the wall and grabbed and yanked at his heart like he has hers, after she has sworn and shouted and collapsed to her knees, after […]

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I want, I want, I want… (A Tantruming therapy Meme.)

‘Why is he screaming so bloody loud?’ The Irish one is finally home from work and I feel like hurling myself on to the floor and licking his £12.99 Reebok specials in appreciation. ‘He wants me to jump out of the window like next door’s cat did,’ I howl over the tantrum taking place beneath […]

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I Got Pee on My Stress. (Yup. That about sums it up.)

I am so tired I could quite happily sit on this sofa and wee myself. Such is the effort I feel it would take to actually stand up and plod my aching hoofs with their mangled toenails, that once used to be described as ‘pretty,’ to the bathroom. I feel like a giant yellowing elastic […]

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A Guardian Angel.

‘Do you want me to call an ambulance?’ ‘No. Honestly it’s fine. I will be fine. Honest.’ ‘Are you sure? Your hand was just on fire.’ ‘Oh…good point, but no, I don’t want to waste their time you know? They are probably really busy.’ ‘Lexy. Your hand was just On. Fire! I am calling an […]

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And Don’t it Always seem to Go…

I don’t know how I ended up here. In this house on my own. The last time I was here I was 17 and waving goodbye as I went on a night out, ignoring her pleas to find a longer skirt and lower shoes and rolling my eyes. The last time I was here I […]

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