The Voices in My Head.

A year ago today, and I am certain of this because I remember the upcoming Father’s day being a giant pain in the arse inconvenience to my plan, I found myself, sitting isolated in my little cloud of doom, in a room filled with happiness and laughter, family and loved ones.

In the background, behind the obvious and flamboyant sounds of Thomas the tank engine coming from the telly, Addison trying to squeeze out a hard poo and the voice of the Irish one singing loudly while he cooked sausages for our breakfast, from behind the sound of my own deceitful laughter and forced enjoyment at what really should have felt like a genuinely happy scene playing out around me, however, was a malicious and spiteful undertone.

Only I knew this of course, but I wasn’t aware of it.

An undertone in the form of a significantly ‘heard’ voice, that came from deep down inside of me, extensively and intricately trained to remind me at my most fragile of points, that I was irresponsible, disgusting and a pitiful excuse for a woman.

An accomplished and incredibly proficient opinion of myself that reminded me relentlessly with every task I attempted, I was thoughtless, and weak and could never succeed. I was over sensitive and rash, dumb, and I hurt people without even realising. I was spoilt and a nightmare to be around, and everybody knew it so I may as well accept it. I should be ashamed of needing comfort for I didn’t deserve it, I should feel embarrassed of not being happy when I had so much to be happy about and I should feel incredibly guilty too, because so many people had problems worse than my own.  So many people had real illnesses, and real problems and mine were no more than vain and self-indulgent dramatics. It barked at me that I was lazy and ungrateful and hated. I was a failure as a mother and I was ugly and fat and a let down. I was ugly inside. Everything about me was ugly.

It was so loud, and proud, and so convincing and had gone on for so long, that the truth is, I didn’t even hear it anymore, or realise it was even talking. It had just become part of me, hence not being aware of it.

I had started therapy and I needed to get better. I owed it to everybody. The pressure to succeed at ‘getting better’ was immense. If I couldn’t ‘get better’ I deserved to be dead. ‘Better’ from what though, I would ask myself with ferocious disdain? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

The voice constantly reminded me of the need to be absolutely perfect all of the time, so failing? Even if it was only the voice in my head advising me I was failing? That meant I was. It was a fact.

Trying to come to terms with being a terrible mother? Even when the Irish one would assure me I was in fact the opposite, and that I was loved and beautiful, I knew he would never understand the truth. Nothing I did would ever match up to the expectations, I set for myself, and my inner voice was only too happy to remind of that. I was a failure. It was a fact.

Trying to hide my disappointment at who I should be but was unable to be, behind laughter? Was exhausting. Especially when my inner voice was laughing too. At me, all the while calling me pathetic and evil, and obnoxious and worthless. All facts.

Addison tried a banana for the first time that morning, as the sun shone through the double windows and we made plans to go to the park. The Irish one collapsed in to giggles at his 1 year old expression upon tasting it, as did I, as his mouth curled and he expressed his disgust like only a 1 year old could.

It had been a year of hospital visits, and allergies and arguments and for me? A year of failing my son and failing at life.

A banana was a big deal, and I should have felt elated.

But I was too selfish. Also a fact.

The three of us laughing, normal and happy, well, it was a family photograph of a memory, like so many others that have been taken since, but the difference on that day, was the ever present and intensely secretive threat of murder which had been lurking just behind my watery grin for a while, was now about to come to fruition.

It was making plans.

As we got dressed and the happy family park day played out, as I pushed Addison down a slide grinning from ear to ear, as I skipped off to buy ice cream, as the Irish one hugged me and told me he loved me and I kissed him back, as I shrieked and clapped and loafed about putting on the best show I could, the last show of my life, the finale, I was silently plotting, I was wordlessly preparing and I was busy considering, what the best time to take an overdose, so as to not be saved, and so as to cause as little commotion to those left behind as possible, would be.

I was going to commit murder.

It wasn’t a cry for help. I wanted me dead.

I wanted to die as I put my baby to bed. What kind of mother thinks that? My inner voice screamed. You should be filled with love, you selfish useless cunt.

I wanted to die as I broke open the packet and hesitated, my inner voice whispering sinisterly, that I was a cowardly insect. Grime.

It was relentless.

I was stuck in a cube of cement with an inner voice that was certainly not guiding me with love. And I didn’t even realise or believe that I was broken. Not really.

I had refused medication, for I didn’t trust it.

Medication for what? This isn’t an illness, I would cry, I am just selfish.

I ignored help, because how could anybody help me, there was nothing wrong with me, other than being pathetic.

Even when I was taken in to hospital, I still didn’t see it.

I am just a drama queen. I am not ill. I am too pathetic to even kill myself properly and look how many people I have hurt now.

Only a year ago, it feels like a lifetime.

‘‘You wont be able to silence it immediately,’ My therapist carefully and quietly whispered to me this afternoon from his side of the room, after I had I spoken of how disappointed in myself I was, as that voice, that overpowering voice was once again, becoming louder.

‘You can’t expect yourself to be able to just turn it off, that voice is old and wise and strong. It has been around a lot longer than the knowledge that you can inject a new voice. But you can learn to turn it down.’ He went on. ‘This new voice telling you that you are ok, and a good mum, and deserve care, well it is young. It isn’t strong yet, it is new, the important thing to remember is that it is there, and that you are trying.’

‘Whatever.’ I mumbled petulantly back in response,  like a teenager refusing to take on that I wasn’t pathetic and a failure. It felt oddly comfortable to be insulting myself again.

‘Falling back in to old patterns is what we do when we find ourselves vulnerable and fragile. This doesn’t mean we have ‘relapsed.’ Only that we are learning to recognise the difference between then and now.’

‘Alright.’ I carried on. ‘What time is it? Can I go yet?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’ I asked trying not to stamp my foot.

‘You have ten minutes left. Have you moved on in the last year do you think?’ He asks silencing me with a question he knew I would have to think about.

Have I moved on?

As I pick up the building blocks and listen to my son trying to get to sleep singing a song about ‘big trumps and boobs’ this evening and find myself genuinely laughing, I know that I have, but I also know, I still have a long way to go.

There are two voices now, that’s true, but it is still one hell of a battle.

When things get difficult and I feel like I can’t cope and am to blame (like getting suspended from work for making a terrible mistake) she shouts loud and clear about how pathetic and evil I am for long periods of time, and sometimes I hear her, and I listen and I struggle for a while, I get paranoid that everyone hates me again and I spiral.

And at other times when I drop a bollock, (like letting Addison eat Play Doh… it is ok to let them eat it, isn’t it? I don’t mean as a main meal, I just mean, if he swallowed some when I had my back turned that doesn’t make me a bad mum does it?) I find the strength from god knows where, with the help of medication, because I deserve to be helped, to tell her that not everybody hates me and actually I’m not as bad she thinks I am. (So take that bitch!- I’ll work on my fighting talk as time goes on i suppose. Baby steps and all that.)

Right now I am fighting. (Cos I’m awesome. – cringe!!!)

I have learnt a lot off James this year. (Why am I so god damn mean to him??)

Including that it is ok to be a victim sometimes, and that those thoughts your inner voice tells you – well they aren’t fact.

They are just thoughts, and thoughts can be changed.

Thoughts aren’t facts.

‘What would you say to your best friend Lexy, if she felt weak and pathetic and was constantly beating herself up? What would you say to her? Think about how you would react to her, then do the same for yourself.’

‘It isn’t as easy as that James’ I bite back at him (for no reason whatsoever?!?! He is lovely to me and all I do is stomp around acting like he just told me my skirt was too short!) ‘But to quote pink, I’d probably say;

‘Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead! Cos your perfect, your fuckin perfect!’ and with him rolling his eyes and laughing, I stormed out.

(I really don’t know why.)

I wonder, how I will be, a year from now?

One of the voices in my head just answered very quietly.

It said;

I hope I win.

Advertisements

16 Comments on “The Voices in My Head.

  1. That voice sounds like the one in my head…the one that can make you forget all the strides you’ve taken as soon as you hear its doubting tone. I am constantly fearing relapse everytime i am anxious or not as attentive as usual. Some day our real voices will win. x

  2. You are winning and you’ll continue to win. Look how far you’ve come already, you’ve learnt so much and things have changed so much. Hang in there, you have immense strength x

  3. “I wonder, how I will be, a year from now?

    I hope I win.”
    You already have! We are all proud of you, and I know you are proud of yourself! (Don’t worry about being mean to the therapist…he get’s paid to be abused!)

  4. Lexy, I adore you, you will win this I have every faith that one day you will turn around and stick two fingers up to this and say see you later :). Xxxxx

  5. You will win, you have to win. It’s natural to contemplate and compare the past year, you have developed so many tools to help you suppress that bitch. You are always there for me with a kind word, James is right, turn that onto yourself.

    Brilliantly written post,

  6. Very moving post, beautifully written. Your outlook on it is very refreshing! I don’t want to ramble on about the ins and outs of your post because quite frankly, nothing needs adding. Thanks for sharing 🙂 x

  7. wow…..kinda puts some of my grumbles in the shade. I have so much respect for you in blogging this x well done you and you are a good mum/wife x

    • Not at all. your grumbles are warranted! You are having a tough time of it right now and you deserve all the care and support you get. we all do. thank you for your coment. x

Ah go on go on go on - reply?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

whocareswhatithinkanyway

Reviews, news and immaterial opinions...

CHOL PALAI

Tales of Travel

Mr Oliver.

Gaming, Music & Movies

biffandkate

parenting anxiety panic love laughter

Madre se aprende

Porque nadie nació sabiendo

A Box of Fluffies

The fluffy and not so fluffy of mummyhood: Memoirs and musings

Victorian Mini

Adventures in Modeling

feeding my intolerant child

Overcoming the challenges of food intolerance

The Tipsy Runner

One step at a time.......

Mum Muddling Through

Mum with more questions than answers

madchesh

The ravings of a Gay man with a personality disorder and HIV. I'm a catch!

Pets & Mental Health

Life, Mental Health, Anxiety, Depression, Health, Family, Knitting, Crochet, oh and pets! Lots of Pets! <3

Not Another Mum and baby group

A place for mums to get together for support and socialising

meandmegirl

Me & Me Girl (MG) on a mission to change the world, one bit at a time...

Days in Bed

Written By A Mother WIth Chronic Illness

scar

where three roads meet, there she is standing

Dad Without A Map

Unwrapping parenthood one nappy at a time

Weight Watchers Vegetarian

Vegetarian and vegan recipes and ideas for following Weight Watchers UK

improperly forward

A WORLD OF BEAUTIFUL CONTRADICTIONS

Sarsm's Blog

Quest for humour in my existence

Theplumbum's Blog

Stuff and me

julius22193

keep going

Be Like Water

Music, Film and Life

A Cornish Mum

Cornwall, Lifestyle, Parenting, Type 1 Diabetes Blog

Dear Mummy Blog

The travellings of Baby Isabella

Big Red Carpet Nursing

Fun & Progress!

Bipolarparent's Blog

Bipolar, Parenting, social services involvement but mostly me

Right from the Start

Play, Early Education and more...

HonieMummy Blog

The ramblings & goings on of the HonieHouse, HonieKitchen & HonieLikes

Tales from inside

Our family life

Oscar Relentos

Welcome to my catharsis

VAGABOND CITY

A digital space feat. poetry, art, nonfiction, interviews, and reviews by marginalized creators.

ScouseDad

Ey Ey Ey Calm Down!!!

Long Distance Daughter

Support on the journey of caring for aging parents

Doodlemum

a day in the life of my sketchbook...

A Mum on a Mission

ONE MUM'S BLOG OF HOW HER WORLD GOES ROUND!

Nothing But Words & Wine

Often Wine Sodden, always Emotional musings of a single Mummy sinking under the housework.

Mum on the brink

Parenting, travel and technology... and more

Living otherwise

another view on how we make it up

A Write Relief... (for PND)

A thirty-something mum's journey through postnatal depression... and beyond!

Typecast

Just another WordPress.com weblog

%d bloggers like this: