Just Say Yes… (Exceptions.)

So apparently, and I only found this out recently, so if anyone asks where you heard this from, you absolutely didn’t hear it from me ok? I will totally deny all knowledge of ever telling you this should it come up in court ok?

Can you keep a secret?

So apparently if you call an ambulance and you happen to say you are in a lot of pain, they give you gas and air.

Now.

You all know me well enough by now to know I would never waste ambulance time and jokingly make a farce of somebody else’s funding (Irish one’s funding excluded because his funding doesn’t count – I needed that dress) especially the funding of the NHS, as in the past they have saved my life… twice.

Addison thanks them for that.

I thank them for that. No longer begrudgingly.

And I’m pretty sure the Irish one thanked them for that (right before he looked at his bank statement and wondered whether he just shouldn’t have perverted the course of nature, and that way he could have claimed it all back on the life insurance.)

(I’m not saying he wished me dead, It’s just I probably should have warned him that I’d popped to Selfridges with his card, right before he dialed 999. And I would have done you know, if I had been conscious.)

Anyway, back to topic.

I would never hoax the ambulance service for gas and air, as, as well as the above, I’m also you know, not a druggie (wine doesn’t count) and I’m not an idiot (falling off tram stops sober doesn’t count) and I am absolutely not a time waster (21 pregnancy tests the day after my period doesn’t count) and I am not irresponsible (getting pregnant 7 months in to a relationship and having no money, not withstanding.)

So I hope you understand I am telling you this in deepest confidence (and you are not to tell anyone else) for you know, hypothetical reasons only.

On Wikipedia, Baby Centre and Scoredrugsnow.com (that last one may not be the best example) it clearly states that Gas and air or Entonox as it also commonly referred to, is to be used only in emergency treatment, labour and childbirth to alleviate the common and excruciating symptoms of ‘pain’.

Well I think the government need to add to that list, and so I came up with some exceptions to the rule where I think gas and air should be administered immediately, or at the very least be made available for when people aren’t necessarily in labour, or in pain. (Define – ‘Pain.’)

I think this would have a very positive impact on NHS funding and you know, loads of other political reasons that ill have a think about later. I may even speak to the queen.

A home supply for every mother, father, and clumsy human being, I think, would be ideal.

So, I made a list.

My list is handily called;

Exceptions to the rule. 

  • I have run out of wine.  I deserve gas and air.
  • My son just ate bird poo. Hand it over.
  • A huge wasp just flew near my head.  I screamed and ran around the garden but the little bastard followed me. It was terrifying. (Also – while I’m on this point – how quickly must they be able to three point turn to reverse the sting in to you? Sting or not that shit is impressive.) Give me gas and air.
  • Doodle just shat all over my neighbor, as he was sat on his knee, and it was runny. Now please, a mask would be good.
  • The Irish one left the used toilet roll on the side again. RIGHT BY THE BIN! Three gulps should do it.
  • I noticed my Iphone bobbing about, at the bottom of the toilet, as I stood up to flush!!!  AND I have the stomach flu. Thank you Addison. Hand mummy that canister.
  • Addison’s new favourite song ‘BOOBIES, BOOBIES, POO POO AND BIG BOOBIES, MAMMY’S SMELLY BOTTOM BOOBIES’ was just sung at full volume in the queue at the post office. I need a spare bottle for the car. Hand it me. Now.
  • Grandma is on her way around. Give me some. Just in case.
  • The Word ‘mine.’ Just anytime that word comes out of my son’s mouth. Just to prepare me for the upcoming onslaught of drama when I try to explain that a cucumber will never play music and that I need it, to make dinner. Hand it over.
  • Potty training. You better bring a few mouthpieces, as I think I may accidentally end up with the majority of them lodged in my lung. DON’T COCK YOUR LEG, ONLY DOODLE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!! (In a crowded park… against a tree.) NOW ENTONOX NOW.
  • Grey’s anatomy. Every. Single. Episode. Gas and air at mine y’all.
  • I think I may be pregnant. Oh dear god. Yes I know I am still sat on the loo, and I may not be, but the very thought alone…  Hand it over.
  • 6 AM Monday morning? ‘Mammy, I poo poo on pillow.’  All proud of himself. Happy new week. Puff puff. Oh god it’s in his ears.
  • What’s that in your mouth honey? What are you chewing? OH MY GOD IT’S A DECAPITATED SPIDER. Mine. Canister. Now.
  • Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. FOR THE LOVE OF … Entonox.
  • I just stood on the cast and crew of Thomas the tank engine. I now have a Toby shaped hole in the sole of my foot. Gas and air thank you pleeeaase. Ow ow ow ow ow Mother FUCCCCC…
  • Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Clean the garage Saturday yes? Did he clean the BASTARD garage? NO! HE WATCHED FOOTBALL. I swear to god if you don’t pass me that bottle right now…

Like I say. Exceptions need to be made.

The humans need the gas and air. It is our god given right.

Please add more. Can you think of any more? I am sure you can!

I’m thinking of starting a petition.

*If gas and air makes you sick or you didn’t like it during labour, I have another option. It is called – morphine.

*It says on one of those websites that if you have psychological problems then you probably shouldn’t have gas and air but Pah! What do they know? And anyway… Define- ‘problems.’ I’m being made to listen to Chris De burgh for god sake! I NEED SOME.

*Gas and air is only to be shared with your spouse in extreme circumstances. Like at the arrival of the credit card statement, or when you want to hit him, really hard, but don’t want him to remember.

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7 Comments on “Just Say Yes… (Exceptions.)

  1. Brilliant! Yes and add every time mummy falls over a bloodey ball of any shape and size that her lovely children leave in unsuspecting places around the house. Or when the six year old wipes his bum after a pooh, doesn’t realise he has used his hand and doesn’t wash them. Or when the two year old daughter has one of her ear piercing tantrums – that is painful. Or just when the OH is talking!

  2. Hi there! I LOVE THIS POST! As one of the ‘givers of Entonox dressed in green’ I can whole heartedly say that if you called and asked me for entonox and stated any of the above reasons the cylinder would be yours! This post is fab! Tomorrow there will be a link to it on my website as my ‘Blog of the Week’! Awesome! x

  3. When my mother is calling – NOW!
    When my mother is visiting – YESTERDAY, PLEASE!!!
    When my husband reloads the dishwasher because he does it better – LOTS!
    When my son refuses to study and fails his standardized test and has to go to two weeks of summer school, for which I have to get up at ungodly hours to make him go – JUST LEAVE ME A COUPLE OF BOTTLES!
    When same son fails his test for his learner’s permit – DEAR GOD, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE DMV AGAIN??? WHERE IS THAT FU*#@!G STUFF???
    In the car – Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? – HAND IT OVER!
    From the back seat – I feel car sick. OH GOD, SERIOUSLY?

    I’m sure there are tons more – give me a minute. It’s still early here in the states.

  4. Would like to add to your list:
    – Ring-ring! Caller ID says: Mom Cell…..Now, please!
    – Ring-ring! Caller ID says: Sister Cell…..definitely, now!
    – Ring-ring! Caller ID says: Annoying and Condescending Client….ok, maybe you could hit me in the head with the bottle, then slap the mask on my face after I am out…will that work? Methinks so!
    – Daughter with whiny voice about to ask for money says, “Moooommmeeeeey?” Can I give her money to go get me a bottle of Entonox? I mean, it’s not like I am sending her for vodka or cigarettes…though that would be really convenient and helpful…..

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