Hickory Dickory STOP!!

I had an argument with my mother last week.

This isn’t an oddity, as my mother and I, well, although we do get on famously well when discussing anything important like  ‘handbags, make up, perfume and when the Selfridges sale starts’, we don’t always seem to see eye to eye when it comes to the more miniscule of life’s details, like, oooo I don’t know, successful parenting?

She has her tried, tested and successful parenting techniques you see, parenting techniques that ‘did you no harm’ and ‘worked fine with you so I don’t know why it’s all changed now’, and I of course have my ‘new fangled, totally wrong but go ahead and try it, I look forward to saying I told you so’ techniques.

*DO not ever bring up Baby led weaning in our presence PLEASE. I’m serious. Just don’t. Baby led weaning is the root of all-evil! I have been reliably informed it was to blame for the bubonic plague and also that the Queen and Kate Winslet themselves think it is cruel, just cruel!!! It is obviously also the reason Addison doesn’t like vegetables now too, as I ruined his early childhood memories of eating. (Obviously.) So just don’t mention it ok? Please.

I love my mother, I love her lots, Addison adores her, she has done us countless favours and even though over the years we have had our differences (usually because she has been right and I don’t like to admit it)  I have to be honest, she has and is right most of the time when it comes to stuff like… handbags and make-up.

And ok, I relent. She has been right occasionally when it comes to Addison too. (Turns out ice pops aren’t full of goodness and aren’t one of the daily recommended 1 of 5! – Who knew?) ok, she is always right. Thanks mum. I love you.

Anyway, last week as I approached the drive to her house at a sensible 60 miles an hour with ‘that awful Rihanna’ blaring out and Addison ‘head banging in the back of the car’ (this is how she would describe it) we ended up having a little tete-a-tete about suitable childhood music, and I like a naughty teenager, was duly handed a CD of nursery rhymes for the drive home.

Much to my dismay, Addison seems to prefer it to Eminem (It was radio 1!!!! Its not my fault what they play is it? But ok whatever) so I have been forced to endure HOURS OF MINDLESS NUMPTYNESS over the past week instead of the usual array of musical greatness we usually head bang, I, erm, I mean, listen to and I have, in fact come to this conclusion.

NURSERY RHYMES, or EARLY LEARNING SONGS as they are called on this CD actually teach much crueler and much more careless lessons than Rihanna or black Sabbath ever could. (….I don’t actually listen to Black Sabbath, I’m more of a Chesney Hawkes kind of girl, but that’s totally beside the point….was I the only one who grieved when he got his mole removed? Anyway… )

Don’t believe me?

Check these out!!

5 little ducks went swimming one day, over the hills and far away, mummy duck shouted quack quack quack….  Ok, first off, who in their right mind lets their children swim over a hill and far away? Even if it’s a sunny day, that just bad parenting, I mean, and to let them keep going even though she seems to be losing one at a time?? DOES SHE NOT CARE? She is lucky to get any of them back I’m telling you, I’m seriously considering ringing duck protection services the next time I forget to take my meds!!

Hickory Dickory dock…. Ok there is too many things wrong with this song. Firstly why have they rhymed dock with clock and why use dickery? That’s just too funny and I intend to use it the next time The irish one and I are trying not to swear. ‘WHAT THE DICKERY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?’ and then lets see if mum thinks it’s appropriate huh? And also, Have these people never heard of pest control? Mice are vermin for godsake!! If it’s run down the clock may I suggest a) setting a trap? And b) sealing the hole in the back of the clock? I mean what if it messes with the time? Then what!!!! You’d be dickery Docked!

12345 once I caught a fish alive, 678910, then I threw it back again…  Did you even stop to consider the impact this would have on the fish? It’s just inconsideration.

This old man (what old man?) he played… KNICK KNACK PADDY WHACK ON YOUR WHAT??? Who is this old man and why do I need to give a dog a bone? Is he rolling home from the pub? What kind of lesson is that? I am trying to teach Addison to respect women and not drink in pubs, sure he is only 2, but you can never start too early, and what if he asks me what knick knack paddy whack is huh? What do I say then? His daddy is a paddy!!! Is that not politically correct? WELL THEN NIETHER IS THE SONG! (Just go with me.)

Please pudding hot, please pudding cold? Please pudding in the pot nine days old…some like it hot, some like it cold, and some like it in the pot nine days old… SERIOUSLY? Yes, and some prefer not to get GASTROENTERITIS.

Pat a cake bakers man…– now I like that one. Apart from all the tossing and pricking that is. Just give me the damn cake and baby isn’t getting any. It’s mine.

Do your ears hang low, do they waggle to and fro, (?!?!?!) can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a regimental soldier? – Why? What if they did? WHAT IS THE POINT IN THIS SONG???? Is it ok if I can’t do it with my ears, but can with my boobs? DO I still count????

There was a farmer who had a dog and bingo was his name… STOP RIGHT THERE PLEASE DON’T SPELL IT… oh my god. You spelled it. 40 times. And now I need to go back to the mental hospital. But seriously, what was the name of that dog? I forgot.

Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, (OK SHE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!) Polly put the kettle on, we will all have tea. Suki take it off again, Suki take it off again, they’ve all gone away… I’m unsure as to whether they all left because you refused to stop singing at Polly or because this song is trying to teach children it is ok to mess with kettles. IT ISNT!! THIS SONG IS DANGEROUS!!!

I’m a little teapot… HERE IS MY SPOUT?  Really? I am re-naming willy to spout from now on. IRISH ONE! KEEP YOUR SPOUT AWAY FROM ME. That is an order, and I will throw my boobs over my shoulder like a regimental soldier to prove it.

Wind the bobbin up… What is a bobbin thank you please? To be honest, it seems to involve a little too much effort for my liking. Why am I pointing to the ceiling? Why am I pointing to the floor? And WHY do I need to put my hand on my knee? IM DRIVING!!! HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD THAT OPERATING A BOBBIN WHILE DRIVING IS DANGEROUS?  I should have this CD reported to the DVLA.

And don’t even get me started on the spider ones!

I like hey Diddle Diddle though. It was clearly written by somebody on day 2 of new medication while staying in a mental institute. I remember it well.

It was me who jumped over the moon, and the dish did run away with the spoon. I KNEW IT!!!!

ANYWAY, as of tomorrow we will be listening to Rihanna again*.

‘When the sun shine, we shine together, told you I’d be here forever, said I’d always be your friend, took a note and now I’m gonna stick it out till the end, now that its raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other, you can stand under my umbrella…EE EEE EEE EEE !!!’

Those lyrics say more to my son, inspire more hope in me, and ensure more smiles, than 5 little speckled frogs sitting on a speckled log eating poop (not original lyrics) ever could. (That’s my excuse and I am sticking to it.)

HEAD BANG ADDY HEAD BANG!

*I may change to nursery rhymes sometimes. If I have to. On a Wednesday. Between 10-11. If it’s raining… or if he tantrums… which is likely…  you know what? I’ll just buy ear plugs.

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21 Comments on “Hickory Dickory STOP!!

  1. Yip, with you on that. We were singing these types of songs at a local toddler group the other day & I said similar to my friend. In our house we have them but don’t really listen. Buddy’s CD of choice is Metallica lullaby’s the boy has taste!

  2. Oh I love this post. We literally had this discussion just the other day…. For example, Goosey Goosey Gander… Why are we teaching our children about throwing people down the stairs?!

    I could go on and on but i won’t. You’ve done an excellent job of making the point!!

  3. It’s raining it’s pouring.. Old man couldn’t get up in the morning?!

    Is he dead???!! 😦

    LOVE this post!!! Fab!

  4. Lol! I have had the nursery rhyme row with my mum too.
    I have also re-written several to fit in with today’s politically correct craziness.

    We have “Three Visually Impared Mice, Three Visually Impared Mice, see how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the Farmer’s wife, who kissed their tails by candle light, then let the mice stay the night, Three Visually Impared Mice” <<< no tail chopping in my house LOL!

    Hubby also loved my recent re-write of this little piggy…. "This little piggy went to Asda, this little piggy stayed at home. This lottle poggy had roast Quorn, this little piggy had none, this little piggy went wee wee wee wee wee all the way to the housing office because his rent hadn't been paid this month! 😉

  5. One of the pleasures I miss the most is listening to Radio One as I drive around but I too made the same discovery that my littlies give me an easier time of it if the background noise in the car is mind numbing nursery rhymes, my mum bought us the Fisher Price double CD of nursery rhymes, most of which have shockingly cheesy American children singing along, and my babes love it! There is no going back…at least not for a decade….sigh…I feel your pain.

  6. Oh, my GOD!! I remember those with not-so-fond feelings…I was a pre school teacher when the girls were little, and while we didn’t do much of the “nursery rhyme” stuff at home, that was ALL we had there! However, my savior in the form of a local childrens entertainer named Babaloo (I know, ridiculous, but Man is he awesome!) came into our lives. His songs are like KIDS….REAL KIDS!! Kids who have to go pee and do a dance to keep from going in their pants….wake in the morning with their hair standing on end….being afraid of a vampire eating them in their sleep after watching a scary movie with their older brother….REALLY real stuff and he is frigging hilarious! We were going to his concerts well after the girls had had enough, because I needed them for “cred”…it’s just weird for grown women to attend a Babaloo concert without a kid! http://www.babaloomusicandfun.com/ Check him out, and you will not be sorry. Your mother will still likely not approve, but Addison with LOVE it! (win-win, right?!)
    As for the “rock-a-bye baby” sadist nonsense…I foresee it having a bad accident in the market parking lot….or being “dropped” from a bridge or something. Does Doodle need a chew toy?

  7. When we first heard a similar CD, hubby advised that a favourite primary school song replaced “ears” with “balls”!

  8. Love this post, oh so true! We’ve never done nursery rhymes in car; children listen to whatever we do, swear words and all (shock horror) – their current faves are Chilli Peppers and Levellers. My eldest used to fall asleep to Pantera on his Daddy’s knee and one of the first songs I remember him dancing to was ‘Big Pimpin’, JayZ! I do generally draw the line at gangsta rap but can’t see any problem with them listening to real music x

  9. Brillliant post! I now have all these songs in my head.
    I do like singing nursery rhymes in the car with gemma though doing the actions too I get odd looks…..
    I don’t like rock a bye baby or miss Polly(or is it Molly) who was sick, sick sick!

  10. Here we go round the mulberry bush on a cold and frosty morning? Why, why a cold and frosty morning? Hasn’t anyone heard of chillblains? Why aren’t those poor children tucked up in the warm indoors?!

  11. Hehe my OH thinks I play the music in the car far too loud when Z is in it. I have considered getting a Cbeebies song cd but then thought “naahh” since he loves Moves like Jagger!

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