Jubilee Memory’s. (Who the hell is Edward?)
‘Why would a gorilla be on the boat with the queen?’
He plonks himself down on the sofa in front of where Addison and I are now attempting to re-create the leaning tower of pizza out of mega blocks, well I am, Addison has now grown bored and has taken to throwing them at Doodle instead, and stares at me with an odd look.
The television is blaring out the jubilee celebrations in the background, while Doodle tries to shimmy up my jumper in a desperate bid to get away from the plastic pellet attack currently taking place, and outside as ever the rain is pouring.
‘Pardon?’ I ask him confused from my crossed legged position in mini Italy. (Thinking about it now, I totally should have been building Buckingham Palace. Damn it. Nevermind…)
‘Eh?’ he responds tiredly rubbing his eyes ‘which bit? Are we going to the supermarket at some point?’
‘All of it.’ I yawn, ‘who said anything about a gorilla? And yes I suppose we are.’
‘You did. When?’
‘What? When? I don’t know, in a bit. I’m not even dressed.’
‘Just then!’ he half shouts growing irritated by the noise Doodle is now emitting as Addison pins him down and tries to shove a single red block where a single red block should never be shoved.
‘Addison Stop it!’ he yells, as Addison being Addison jumps up and tries to look innocent, this child has an unhealthy fascination with trying to shove things in Doodle’s behind ‘you JUST asked me why there is a gorilla on the boat with the queen.’
‘Camilla.’ I spell out slowly at the realisation of his dimwitted half heard error, but kind of wishing I had asked him that and imaging how random that would have been, before prizing the mega block from my sons hand and batting Doodle away from where he is now trying to reverse in to my mouth backwards to escape the torture. ‘I asked you if that was CAMILLA on the boat with the queen. Doodle get down!’ I admonish. ‘My mouth is not a place for you to hide!’
‘Ah. Yes I suppose it would have been, she is married to Edward now isn’t she? A gorilla would have been more interesting to watch though.’
‘True.’ I relent nodding. ‘So are we going to the supermarket? Wait, Edward? Who is Edward?’
‘TRAIN SHOP, TRAIN SHOP AND SAUSAGES?’ Addison climbs on my knee, shouts this in my face and bites my nose. While I am trying to detangle myself from his tiny teeth, The Irish one grabs the remote from beside me on the floor.
‘The queen’s son.’ He says pointing the remote at the telly and starting to flick through the channels ‘is there nothing else on apart from jubilee stuff?’
‘Edward isn’t the queen’s son.’ I respond trying to stand up, planning on going and getting dressed so we can go to the supermarket but being severely hindered by the two year old I seem to be wearing like a necklace.
‘Yes he is. He’s the one married to Camilla, you know, the one who used to be married to Diana but then ran off with Camilla after she died.’
I look at him confused and try to respond, even though I now have ten fingers in my mouth, none of which belong to me.
‘That’s Charles.’ I say, my voice muffled ‘And I’m not sure they ran off. She is on the boat with the queen isn’t she? Are you going to get dressed so we can go out? We need bread and sausages. We could walk?’
Doodle jumps at the sound of the word ‘walk’ directly on to The Irish One’s knee and begins licking his face. He spits, laughs, wipes his mouth and pushes him down ‘we don’t. I got some yesterday. No let’s drive. So who is the queen’s husband then? Is that Edward?’
I limp in to the hallway dragging Addison, who now, like a limpet, is clinging to my leg and singing ‘Incy wincy Spider’ at top volume and shout that the queens husband is ‘Phillip, I think. Do I have to drive? We only need juice!’
‘Is he the one with the bladder infection?’ He responds from behind me, also coming to get dressed. ‘We don’t need juice. I got some yesterday.’
‘I don’t know?!’ I laugh while tearing Addison off my leg and pulling my jeans on. ‘How would I know? How do you even know that?’
‘Doodle Get down!!’ we both shout in unison as Doodle jumps on the bed, and attempts to pin Addison down.
‘He text me.’ He responds smugly, shimmying off to the bathroom with a grin. ‘We are pretty close are Phil and I. We are best buds.’
‘Addison go brush your teeth’ I smile, sending him after his mad daddy.
‘Well maybe you should ask him who Edward is then!’ I laugh, running a brush through my hair, ‘and if that was Camilla on the boat!’
He sticks his head around the bedroom door and winks.
‘Why would there be a gorilla on the boat?’
I laugh and start the search for my boots.
‘TRAIN SHOP TRAIN SHOP TRAIN SHOP!’ Addison shouts, spitting tooth paste everywhere. ‘TRAIN SHOP WITH EDWARD AND A GORILLA!’
‘Addison, bathroom!’ We both command simultaneously as Doodle comes trotting in with his lead hanging out of his mouth and trips Addison up. (Revenge. No doubt about it.)
‘So who is Edward?’ I think momentarily before starting the search for my car keys.
It was only when we got to the supermarket that we realised we didn’t actually need anything and we had left the telly on, and I still didn’t know who Edward was. By now, however, the conversation had moved on to crowns and trucks, vespa’s and pork pies. It was a very british conversation.
So what did we buy?
3 union Jack flags, some cake and a bottle of coke. (It was the only british food we all could agree on. Is coke even british? Anyway…)
We then returned to the flat, waved our flags, sat on the sofa, ate some cake, drank our coke and watched… Toy story.
Proud to all be british, although I may need to brush up on my knowledge before Addison starts school and I need to know this stuff.
Having grown up in Spain, see, I was only taught about the spanish Monarchy. (That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it, but don’t ask me about the Spanish Monarchy because… erm… ill be too busy waving my british flag to answer!’)
Long live the queen! (Who was in fact talking to CAMILLA on the boat, I think. Well. I’m not sure they spoke, but I’m pretty sure she was there. Wasn’t Kate’s dress nice?)
What would your Jubilee memory be?