I knew I loved you before I met you.

*I wrote this on Day 1 of my stay in the mental hospital.
I re-visited some of my diary entry’s from that time early this morning, purely to see for myself if I had in fact come as far, as the Irish one insists I have.
I found as I turned the pages, that I could not stop thinking of this very first entry.
I remember not being able to finish. I remember closing the book and throwing down the pen. I could feel the terror and shame I felt so acutely back in that moment, when I was reading it, it was overwhelming.
I needed to finish it.
8 months later is what I have added today. It is not the end, but it is a sort of closure for now. This is extremely personal but I hope you enjoy. Thank you all of you for your constant support and for never judging. Jesus, where would I be without all you fruitcakes? Thank you. 

DAY 1.          16/07/2011

There is this girl, and in her world nothing ever goes wrong.

She is the belle of the ball.

She is the life and soul of the party.

She is perfect.

She is listening to ‘I knew I loved you before I met you’ by Savage Garden, spinning around on a glimmering dance floor in a beautiful white and crystal wedding dress.

Her hair splayed out behind her as she twirls, she is caught in a moment. A stunning photograph to hang on her mantle, she feels gorgeous, she is bubbling, blissful, her eyes naturally and positively brimming with the promise of what her exciting future will no doubt hold. Her feet are bare but her heart is full.

Her man, the man of her dreams is holding her in his arms and they are laughing and lost in one another as they float around the magnificent ballroom.

She is a fairytale.

Friends and family become a blur of smiling faces and support, so much so, she wonders if it is actually a thousand angels dancing around them.

She is complete, she is loved, she is real.

Except she isn’t.

The same girl is now sitting on a hospital bed.

She is alone.

The only arms wrapped around her fragile body, are her own.

Her eyes are squeezed shut and her heart is broken.  She rocks to her own rhythm as the demons attack her soul.

She is a failure.

She is cracked.

Today isn’t the first day of the rest of her life. It is the last.

There is this girl, and in her world nothing ever goes to plan.

She is the reflection in a cracked mirror.

She no longer wants to be at the party.

She is exhausted.

She is real.

*There is this girl, and much to her disbelief and relief, she is still here.

A loud cry from the bedroom forces the watercolour memories back in to the past, dragging her tired but proud soul back in to focus.

As she opens her eyes she finds herself back at home, eight challenging months passing in the blink of an eye, toy trains, toy planes and squished gummy bears splayed out about her feet.

A smile plays on her lips.

Her beautiful son was sleeping next door after a morning filled with real laughter and tentative hope, now he is ready for his exciting afternoon.

There is this girl, and she is still struggling but she is struggling out loud, no longer hidden.

She is not a failure.

She is armed, with sticky tape and glue.

She is piecing back together her reflection.

Day by day.

There is this girl, and her heart is healing.

She remembers who she wanted so desperately to be, she remembers who she unfortunately became, and only now is she finding out who she actually is.

The journey is long from over, but every step, every smile, is a new chance, a new beginning, another day, to spend with the little boy who saved her life.

Thank you Woo.

I knew I loved you before I met you.

Advertisements

12 Comments on “I knew I loved you before I met you.

  1. Would ya stop making me cry woman !! *smiles* Love you sweetie, you really are doing so very well and I am so glad to have found you in my little cyber social world. xxx The Irish one is right, but dont for gods sake tell him that or you wont fit his head through the door ! You have achieved so very much in the short time I have been following you and your writing is so …. well just so bloody marvellous !

Ah go on go on go on - reply?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

whocareswhatithinkanyway

Reviews, news and immaterial opinions...

CHOL PALAI

Tales of Travels

Mr Oliver.

Gaming, Music & Movies

biffandkate

parenting anxiety panic love laughter

Madre se aprende

Porque nadie nació sabiendo

A Box of Fluffies

The fluffy and not so fluffy of mummyhood: Memoirs and musings

Victorian Mini

Adventures in Modeling

feeding my intolerant child

Overcoming the challenges of food intolerance

The Tipsy Runner

One step at a time.......

MumMuddlingThrough

Mum with more questions than answers. Imaginary fitness guru. Healthy eating experimenter, sometimes.

madchesh

The ravings of a Gay man with a personality disorder and HIV. I'm a catch!

Pets & Mental Health

Life, Mental Health, Anxiety, Depression, Health, Family, Knitting, Crochet, oh and pets! Lots of Pets! <3

Not Another Mum and baby group

A place for mums to get together for support and socialising

meandmegirl

Me & Me Girl (MG) on a mission to change the world, one bit at a time...

Days in Bed

Healthy Family Happy Home

scar

where three roads meet, there she is standing

Dad Without A Map

Unwrapping parenthood one nappy at a time

Weight Watchers Vegetarian

Vegetarian and vegan recipes and ideas for following Weight Watchers UK

improperly forward

A WORLD OF BEAUTIFUL CONTRADICTIONS

Sarsm's Blog

Quest for humour in my existence

Theplumbum's Blog

Stuff and me

julius22193

keep going

Be Like Water

Music, Film and Life

A Cornish Mum

Cornwall, Lifestyle, Parenting, Type 1 Diabetes Blog

Dear Mummy Blog

The travellings of Baby Isabella

Big Red Carpet Nursing

Fun & Progress!

Bipolarparent's Blog

Bipolar, Parenting, social services involvement but mostly me

Right from the Start

Play, Early Education and more...

HonieMummy Blog

The ramblings & goings on of the HonieHouse, HonieKitchen & HonieLikes

Tales from inside

Our family life

Oscar Relentos

Welcome to my catharsis

VAGABOND CITY

A digital space feat. poetry, art, nonfiction, interviews, and reviews by marginalized creators.

ScouseDad

Ey Ey Ey Calm Down!!!

Long Distance Daughter

Support on the journey of caring for aging parents

Doodlemum

a day in the life of my sketchbook...

A Mum on a Mission

ONE MUM'S BLOG OF HOW HER WORLD GOES ROUND!

Nothing But Words & Wine

Often Wine Sodden, always Emotional musings of a single Mummy sinking under the housework.

Mum on the brink

Parenting, travel and technology... and more

Living otherwise

another view on how we make it up

A Write Relief... (for PND)

A thirty-something mum's journey through postnatal depression... and beyond!

Typecast

Just another WordPress.com weblog

%d bloggers like this: