To the loony bin, and beyond!!!

Mammy mission Log.

. . . All signs point to this planet as the location of Sods Law’s fortress. . .

I am finding it difficult to write at the moment.  I have too much on my plate (and not in a good way.)

There is no time! There is no energy and there is no motivation!

My body is no longer my own. It no longer belongs to me. I am not pregnant, no! I have been invaded by a much deadlier and amusing force!

I have been invaded by the spotty baby and the anal abscess gremlins.  

. . . Mummy’s round up, It’s time to catch the show, It’s the onnnnnne with the chickeeeen and the great big hairy lump, yes it’s time for mummy’s round up, you reallllly must catch the show. . .

Addison has the chicken pox. Or does he? He is covered in spots, they do not itch and his fever has broken. So is it the Chicken pox? Who knows?

Doodle has an anal abscess. Or does he? Could he have been mauled by a cat? Either way he has a sore bum and is constantly running around in circles thinking something is biting him.  

The vet says it is the chicken pox. The Dr says it is an anal abscess.

. . . But there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere. . .

No, wait, that isn’t right. Strike that and reverse it. I don’t have the energy to do so myself.

Either way, I have not had a minute’s peace since the dawning of time.

My biscuits are a burning, I am no longer the rootinist, tootinist cowboy in the wild, wild west.

Hang on. Wait, that isn’t right. Am I cowboy? I certainly don’t feel like one, but these jeans could now pass for chaps I suppose, judging by the size of the rip which is growing bigger daily.  

I’ll just ask Mr. Potato head if he would like a cup of tea. No, wait. I mean Daddy.

I am so tired!

 . . . stating all space rangers are to be in hyper-sleep until awakened by authorized personnel. . .
There are two things I wish right now.

One, I wish I was a space ranger in Hyper-sleep (I am not sure they could find a suit to stretch over my thighs though)

And 2, that Addison Jake Doyle Ellis would let me turn the TV over and put something else on!!!

But not, ZingZilla’s. Never Zingzilla’s!

I hate the bloody ZingZilla’s. If one more person (namely The Irish One) sings, ‘this week hasn’t been hard! It’s been a DISASTA!’ At me, I will not be held responsible for my actions. (That spade is never too far from reach.

. . .Buzz Lightyear to command! I have an Awol space ranger! . . .

It’s mammy. She has finally lost the plot.

She is stuck in a Toy Story 2 nightmare.

Is it normal to feel so drained of all energy that I am now wishing, nay, imagining myself as a life size Jessie doll? I love her hair. I love her outfit and at least if I was her, I could abandon the diet. She is so slim!

Is it also normal, that I have watched this film so many times over the last 4 days that it is burned in to my subconscious and now, without even noticing my accent has taken on a slight western twang and my dialogue is gradually becoming more and more Disney like?

I am too tired to diet and am too lethargic to shave ma legs. What is the point? But if I was Jessie. I wouldn’t have to. I could just kill some critters and yodellaaaayhooohooooo and hey presto, dang! Young lady, I am a size 10 again.

Would you care for a mini egg?

. . . I’m a married spud. I’m a married spud. I’m a married spud. . .

I have even started to dissect the plot.

The way I see it, if that broken penguin had never swallowed his squeaker, none of this would have happened. None! Do you hear me Stinky pete? None I tell ya!

There would be no Toy Story 2 if it weren’t for that pesky penguin and I would be a lot closer to sane, let me tell ya!

And while we are on this subject, why is Bo Peep Andy’s toy? She is off a lamp. I would love a Bo peep lamp for Addison but I struggle to convince The Irish One that him playing with Minnie Mouse makes him less Masculine so I have no chance. Maybe Andy’s mum has her husband well trained.

Does she even have a husband come to think of it?! There is no mention of him is there? How modern.

Does that mean Molly and Andy may not even be full brother and sister? Intriguing.

. . .Please hold all questions until the end of the tour. Thank you! . .

Right, I better go.

I have to figure out how to do a shop without leaving the house, how to clean a poodle size anal abscess without being bitten and how to lose 2 stone in just over a month. I also need to clean Addison’s bedroom, put a wash on and ask Specsavers if they will deliver me some more contact lenses before the morning or I will no longer be able to see. Aint nuthin funny about that ya’hear??

I also need to clean the loo.

Ma life is so exciting.

Mammy’s Roundup

Come on and gather ’round

Mammy’s Roundup

Where every stain is usually brown.

Dr’s  go runnin’

Whenever she’s in town,

She’s the rootin’-est, tootin’-est

shootin’-est, hootin’-est Mammy, in the whole damn town.

Oh for the love of god! Someone has poisoned the water hole!


6 Comments on “To the loony bin, and beyond!!!

  1. Pingback: TheBoyAndMe · Mammy-Who? MammyWoo!

  2. OMG too funny. Have my Hand over “MA” mouth so I don’t wake Amelie! I know you are having a shit time at mo, but how talented you are to turn that into your beautifully funny prose! We too get tortured by all 3 toy story movies so I could picture each scene! Hope Addy and Doodle feel better soon. If only for your sanity x x x

  3. Ahh so nothing else works? Despicable me is fantastic! No? Asda and Tesco to the rescue! Love be blog, made me laugh. As always! 🙂

  4. Ha ha, brilliant, you do sound sleep deprived you poor love. I wonder if Addy has what My boy has, he has a virus and this weird spotty rash appears then disappears, but he also has this god awful cough with it.

    Anal abscesses do not sound fun, don’t you feel like you’re a farmer rather than a mother sometimes? I do, the bodily fluid clean up is not something I ever really thought of past the odd little poop in a little nappy. Ha. I don’t clean my house I muck it out.

    Hope your poodles bum gets better v quickly, and I hope your little one does too, don’t mean to put the poodle first but that’s obviously the grossest.

  5. oh you poor love……..get Tesco or Asda or somebody to deliver your groceries and yeah specsavers do send lenses thru the post…….deep breath…….put the bloody film on again……lay on the sofa with earplugs…..and relax……just so long as Addy is safe you can relax and just watch him…… DO NOT have to be superMUM……cos you already are! Let the dog lick……thats what they do…..sending really big ((((HUGS)))) just wish I was near to help out.

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