Moaning Bitch Club. We meet again.

The Irish one has just decided, at 7.46pm on a Friday night, and after watching an advert with a picture of a fry up in it, that actually he doesn’t want the steak i bought for him as a treat yesterday, no no! God forbid we stick to a plan! No, what he actually now wants is… yes, you guessed it. A bloody fry up.

With him having run to the supermarket to spend the remainder of my patience (and his money) on sausages and bacon (and being a new vegetarian this is a real slap in the face as im blatantly going to bloody want some!!! Must resist must resist, think squealing pig, squealing pig! Think Babe!……….Mmmm suckling pig, im thinking suckling pig…..NO!!! – Sorry. Those bloody voices in my head again, they are so controlling! Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! As he is gone…) I now have five minutes to spare, to bring together the third meeting of the MOANING BITCH CLUB!

Are we all here?  (Or is it just me? I hope it’s not just me, the wall is getting a bit sick of me chatting shit to it! Are you here? Please tell me you are here!)

Welcome one, welcome all to the MOANING BITCH CLUB!

Are you ready people? Do you have your tea (wine) and biscuit’s (cigarettes) ready?

I have swapped my pita bread out for a bag of (Blackpool) cinder toffee this week (it would be rude not to buy a bag, or 3 – im helping towards the local economy) and am crunching away like an angry little vegan chewing a stone.

Because this week ladies (and men I believe!), I am well beyond irritated and am now just well and truly bloody aggravated!

Moan frigging 1.

I love coffee.

I love coffee so much that if coffee were anything other than a drink, I would happily have its babies and sell it my soul, no questions asked. (I wouldn’t even need an epidural would I? Because I would be bouncing around the place as happy as a (suckling) pig in poo! Imagine the beautiful children we would have!!  I would call them, Costa, Espresso and Bob. (Bob isn’t coffee related by the way; i just really like the name.)

I cannot live without coffee. I cannot function without coffee.  Coffee defines me. (Are you getting the picture? If not the below should help.)

But if I ask for a Grande, Extra-shot, Extra-Hot, Skinny Cappuccino, then this is what i expect to bloody get!

Lord knows Starbucks, you aint cheap! Lord also knows Starbucks, I have driven 17 miles out of my way to get here, and LORD ALSO KNOWS Starbucks that if you insist on continuously giving me an Extra shot, Luke warm MILKY, LATTE I will go all falling down on your ass and squeeze my hefty arse through my driver side window, up through the drive through window, on to your work top, shimmy down your leg, walk over to the coffee machine, grab the milk, and show you how it is done!!!!!

Don’t call yourself a barrista if you can’t barrist!!! (If you know, what i mean.)

I do not want a latte. If i wanted a latte i would have asked for a latte.

I want a cappuccino!!! (Extra shot, barely any milk, lots of foam!! Also don’t make me say Grande and sound like an arse, if you are going to then say ‘the medium one?’)

AND also, when I get to the window, and you look in to my shit tip of a car, you can clearly see, as plain as the zit on my nose, that my child is asleep in the passenger seat. So why on earth DO YOU INSIST ON SHOUTING??? DO YOU THINK I AM DEAF??? ARE YOU TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP?? BECAUSE IF YOU DO……I cannot finish this sentence due to legal reasons. (I.e. i don’t want to be jailed.)



(Apologies for the sick stain’s on my top. I thought this top was clean, when I had to get dressed in the dark this morning! And see how my thighs touch at the top? That won’t happen by summer. (Summer 2045)

*DISCLAIMER; I love Starbucks. Just, sometimes, not the drive thru near me. (And don’t get me started on the spelling of ‘thru’)

Moan frigging 2.

Middle lane drivers.


There are three lanes for a reason! (I am brave enough for the middle lane, but not the outside lane ok? So stop hogging the middle lane and let me past!!! WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE!! There is nothing on the inside!!! For the love of god!!!)

And don’t overtake on the inside!!!! Do you know how dangerous this is?????

(I need to get me one of these. What? If the queen can?!?!)

Moan frigging 3

Fake women, Fake girls, girls who think they are better than everybody else for no discernable reason and shop assistants who because they work in Selfridges think they are better than you.

(That’s me on my thin day! Addy is just out of shot…)

I know I have a muffin top, and you are slim.
I know I am the wrong side of 20 (ahem), and you are just 20.
I know I have old jeans on, and you are immaculate.
I know my make-up slid off my face and you are doll-like.
I know my son is screaming and you are struggling to hear me.
And I know in comparison to you I look almost troll like.

But don’t you dare lord it over me!!!
Don’t you dare look at me with disdain.
Don’t you dare assume I cannot afford it.

Because you would be wrong.

If I wanted this £2999 Gucci handbag, I could have it!! (In 9 years when I’ve saved up…)

I am just choosing not to buy it!

You work here. I shop here.

Just remember that.

(I bought some concealer. £11.99 *gasp* Big mistake! Huge! -god I love that scene!)

Oh and one last thing.

I hate bullies.

And that is me spent for this week.

I must dash as The Irish One is back from Morrison’s and I’m in need of my milky way chocolate rolls!

What’s that?

You got me a twix instead???

Come join me!!!! What’s been pushing your buttons this week?


27 Comments on “Moaning Bitch Club. We meet again.

  1. Ahh lexi my coffee loving cohort. I also no the shame of a certain shopping mechas drive through (it’s spelt through for the love of god!) I order a venti triple shot hazelnut mocha, extra hot no whip (yes I know that sounds pretentious) and that’s what I expect, not some weak as urine caramel abortion with whipped bloody cream! And don’t get me started on the unattractive American window attendent who insists on trying to have a full on conversation with me. It’s 7.30am, I am yet to get my caffeine buzz and I’m about to spend the day fielding calls from a bunch of idiots asking stupid questions like “what do I put in my cars windscreen washer bottle?” Just give met god damned coffee!!

    • It does not sound pretencious! It sounds deeelishous!!! (I know that is spelt wrong.) Stu reeve. You can not come on my parenting blog and use the words abortion and caramel in the same sentance! I just wont have it! (ok, go on then as its you..)
      That starbucks is useless. I have had so many mishaps and why do they stand there attempting to talk to you? I dont want to talk to you! Thats why im staring at my phone/baby/nails/vag – delete as appropriate.
      Yesterday i ordered a cap – got a latte.
      Day before i ordered a cap – got an expresso with foam.
      Day before that i ordered a box of Via and they tried to fob me off with a jar costing 13 quid?! like it isnt expensive enough!
      And today topped it off completely. Caramel latte please. (ive had a hard day. emotionally. and couldnt handle too hard a hit or id puke)
      I drove off, tasted it, It was almond.
      I went back.
      He says ‘we dont mix up our syrups.’
      I made him taste it.
      he didnt want to.
      I made him.
      He apologised and gave me a voucher for a free one.
      tommorrow i will be having the caramel abor… no i wont.

      • I can assure you my words will be vastly better selected on my next moan….trust me I have a lot at the moment x

          • GAH, a boy pervading the inner sanctum of the Moaning Bitch Club? Oh who am I kidding, I’m practically a lass already complete with my own cellulite thighs, less than toned arms and chest that I really don’t like (no I don’t want a boob job, but some definition would be nice).

            Keep an eye on your inbox hun, I shall have something coming your way shortly 🙂

  2. Oh Lexy,you make me laugh,I couldn’t live without your blogs now!!
    Everything you’ve said I feel the same way,I’m sat here after a shit day with a big smile on my face,I can actually see you now at the drive through/threw/whatever:/
    love ya to bits girl 🙂 x

  3. Oh how many times have I wanted to crawl through the drive through window and slap the teenager with my wallet! YOU MAKE COFFEE!! But it’s still done wrong.

    I too have had pretty woman moments. You sum it up perfectly, “you work here, I shop here”
    BITCH if I didn’t shop here, you wouldn’t work here!

  4. I love reading your blog, but need to make sure I’ve got a spare pair of knickers to hand , PMSL!
    I think it’s not only because I agree with everything you say, but because I probably would or have said those things at some point also. I imagine that you are in a phase I was once in (I think I’m a bit older, I really do!) but don’t despair, it doesn’t mean you’ll turn out like me, ever, there is hope!
    I think my phase is ‘angry but funny with it’ sometimes – but frequently ‘don’t give a shit anymore’. I still love, no need the decent coffee (preferably Starbucks), dislike any drivers that p!ss me off on the motorway, especially the middle lane hoggers and I just don’t do bitchy ‘down the nose at you’ women – oh no! I can afford the bloody bag – it just looks chavvy and shit on them, never mind me!

    • hahahaha thankyou so much for reading! i am currently trying to type quietly but this is hard with my fake nails! (i am not sure why this is relevant just thought you should know!) and you are so right about the bags!! i dont want one!

  5. I love this – can I join because I really need to have a moan. It is not very often I get the chance to treat myself to a “nice” coffee in a nice coffee shop” so when I do I expect a nice coffee experience. Well the other week I treated myself to a coffee in that coffee shop that sells Austrian cakes and pastries, yep that one, the one beginning with D. I asked for a lattee (you know the frothy milky ones that cost over £2) and got something dark brown, bitter and too hot. It burnt my mouth and made me cough – it was awful. Now I guess I should have complained and should have asked for another but I couldn’t be a***d – I just wanted to sit down, enjoy a nice coffee, read a paper and dreamily gaze out of the window. I didn’t want to have to complain and I certain didn’t want to complain about a simple thing such as a coffee – I just wanted an easy day. So I just left it and walked out, vowing not to return. Making a good cup of coffee is a very responsible job – get it wrong and you ruin my morning!!!!!! Rant over.

  6. Middle lane drivers, arrrgh hate them! And they drive at like 2 miles an hour, get out the frikkin lane!! And do men have to play footy a Gazillion times a week? And then watch every match of the day? And then record it too? moan moan 🙂

  7. I f*cki*g love you. True fact. So much I even starred out my swearing.

    In addition to your coffee rant – when I go to a cafe and pay for coffee I want EFFING COFFEE not instant sh*te – nescafe!? Why are you charging me £2.50 for INSTANT?! THAT IS NOT COFFEE AND YES I CAN BLOODY WELL TASTE THE DIFFERENCE THAT’S WHY I SAID SOMETHING YOU MORON

  8. I want a drive thru Starbucks! ((stamps foot in childish manner)) obviously first I’d need an actual car & maybe a drivers licence but still NOT FAIR!!

    Also DO NOT eat the twix! They are made of meat! Well I say meat, I actually mean bits of baby cow stomachs but I think it sounds less dramatic.

    Oh & to add my moan in I went to bed last night so pissed off after hearing my OH utter the phrase “British jobs for British workers”. He sounded like a Tory so I refused him sex.

    That’s is all, phew.

    • What?!?!?!?!?!?!? Baby cow stomachs?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I’m appalled!!! I ate the twix I ate the twix!!! Does this mean I’m no lOnger a veggie??? Noooooo!
      Hahaha good for you, you crack me up! Ahhh the power.

      • Yes baby cow stomachs!! You were bamboozeled by those b*stards at mars. (tip- asda do a version of twix that’s vegetarian & it’s nicer)
        Don’t worry you are still a vegetarian just back away from the twix’s in future 🙂

    • Yes but as it’s new they must be still learning. The coffee is a farce. You ask for a latte you get weak warm piss, you ask for a cap and you get a lattee. It’s a Shame. I was living the dream for a while!

  9. My drive-through barristas shout as well, I shut the window on them. Did you know the bit where you give your order has a camera so they can see you? Bitches!

    • yes and they shout on there too! And they always say ‘how are you today?’ It really winds me up! Like you care???? one day i may say ‘ im actually terrible, i feel like crying’ just to see what they bloody say! i hate fake niceties!

  10. Agree, agree, agree with everything you just said!! L used to “sense” when we were approaching McDonalds when he was asleep in the car and woke up immediately like “where’s my chips!” xx

    • jhahahaha that made me chuckle, i remember when i was little in the car and would pretend to be asleep and then my ma would say ‘do you want a sweet lexy?’ and id be awake all of a sudden!
      Macdonalds is magical. it has too be! Black magic lol
      thanks for reading honey.

  11. I to drink coffee till I shake.

    Fabulous post. Hilarious. I totally identify with eveything which makes it even more funny!

    I’m blogging about Been a moaning bitch, hope I can become An official member-and soon!!!!! X x x

  12. Ah u have had a bad week! I usually wait until baby wakes n read my fave blogs while I feed her, but could not wait for this one! Concerned about the bully though…thought that stuff stopped about 20 year ago….well that’s me depressed!

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