Moaning Bitch Club. We meet again.
The Irish one has just decided, at 7.46pm on a Friday night, and after watching an advert with a picture of a fry up in it, that actually he doesn’t want the steak i bought for him as a treat yesterday, no no! God forbid we stick to a plan! No, what he actually now wants is… yes, you guessed it. A bloody fry up.
With him having run to the supermarket to spend the remainder of my patience (and his money) on sausages and bacon (and being a new vegetarian this is a real slap in the face as im blatantly going to bloody want some!!! Must resist must resist, think squealing pig, squealing pig! Think Babe!……….Mmmm suckling pig, im thinking suckling pig…..NO!!! – Sorry. Those bloody voices in my head again, they are so controlling! Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! As he is gone…) I now have five minutes to spare, to bring together the third meeting of the MOANING BITCH CLUB!
Are we all here? (Or is it just me? I hope it’s not just me, the wall is getting a bit sick of me chatting shit to it! Are you here? Please tell me you are here!)
Welcome one, welcome all to the MOANING BITCH CLUB!
Are you ready people? Do you have your tea (wine) and biscuit’s (cigarettes) ready?
I have swapped my pita bread out for a bag of (Blackpool) cinder toffee this week (it would be rude not to buy a bag, or 3 – im helping towards the local economy) and am crunching away like an angry little vegan chewing a stone.
Because this week ladies (and men I believe!), I am well beyond irritated and am now just well and truly bloody aggravated!
Moan frigging 1.
I love coffee.
I love coffee so much that if coffee were anything other than a drink, I would happily have its babies and sell it my soul, no questions asked. (I wouldn’t even need an epidural would I? Because I would be bouncing around the place as happy as a (suckling) pig in poo! Imagine the beautiful children we would have!! I would call them, Costa, Espresso and Bob. (Bob isn’t coffee related by the way; i just really like the name.)
I cannot live without coffee. I cannot function without coffee. Coffee defines me. (Are you getting the picture? If not the below should help.)
But if I ask for a Grande, Extra-shot, Extra-Hot, Skinny Cappuccino, then this is what i expect to bloody get!
Lord knows Starbucks, you aint cheap! Lord also knows Starbucks, I have driven 17 miles out of my way to get here, and LORD ALSO KNOWS Starbucks that if you insist on continuously giving me an Extra shot, Luke warm MILKY, LATTE I will go all falling down on your ass and squeeze my hefty arse through my driver side window, up through the drive through window, on to your work top, shimmy down your leg, walk over to the coffee machine, grab the milk, and show you how it is done!!!!!
Don’t call yourself a barrista if you can’t barrist!!! (If you know, what i mean.)
I do not want a latte. If i wanted a latte i would have asked for a latte.
I want a cappuccino!!! (Extra shot, barely any milk, lots of foam!! Also don’t make me say Grande and sound like an arse, if you are going to then say ‘the medium one?’)
AND also, when I get to the window, and you look in to my shit tip of a car, you can clearly see, as plain as the zit on my nose, that my child is asleep in the passenger seat. So why on earth DO YOU INSIST ON SHOUTING??? DO YOU THINK I AM DEAF??? ARE YOU TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP?? BECAUSE IF YOU DO……I cannot finish this sentence due to legal reasons. (I.e. i don’t want to be jailed.)
SORT IT OUT!
LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR SHIT COFFEE!
(Apologies for the sick stain’s on my top. I thought this top was clean, when I had to get dressed in the dark this morning! And see how my thighs touch at the top? That won’t happen by summer. (Summer 2045)
*DISCLAIMER; I love Starbucks. Just, sometimes, not the drive thru near me. (And don’t get me started on the spelling of ‘thru’)
Moan frigging 2.
Middle lane drivers.
There are three lanes for a reason! (I am brave enough for the middle lane, but not the outside lane ok? So stop hogging the middle lane and let me past!!! WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE!! There is nothing on the inside!!! For the love of god!!!)
And don’t overtake on the inside!!!! Do you know how dangerous this is?????
(I need to get me one of these. What? If the queen can?!?!)
Moan frigging 3
Fake women, Fake girls, girls who think they are better than everybody else for no discernable reason and shop assistants who because they work in Selfridges think they are better than you.
I know I have a muffin top, and you are slim.
I know I am the wrong side of 20 (ahem), and you are just 20.
I know I have old jeans on, and you are immaculate.
I know my make-up slid off my face and you are doll-like.
I know my son is screaming and you are struggling to hear me.
And I know in comparison to you I look almost troll like.
But don’t you dare lord it over me!!!
Don’t you dare look at me with disdain.
Don’t you dare assume I cannot afford it.
Because you would be wrong.
If I wanted this £2999 Gucci handbag, I could have it!! (In 9 years when I’ve saved up…)
I am just choosing not to buy it!
You work here. I shop here.
Just remember that.
(I bought some concealer. £11.99 *gasp* Big mistake! Huge! -god I love that scene!)
Oh and one last thing.
I hate bullies.
And that is me spent for this week.
I must dash as The Irish One is back from Morrison’s and I’m in need of my milky way chocolate rolls!
You got me a twix instead???
Come join me!!!! What’s been pushing your buttons this week?