Today I was having a thin day.
You know what I am on about here right?
Of course you do, you are women after all.
Today was a day I woke up and felt thin.
(Surely it can’t be just me?! Let me clarify for those men amongst us; I am not actually thinner than I was when I went to bed last night, but I just feel thinner today. The thin-ness is positively coursing around my bones! I am still a size *cough, splutter, cough* and yet today I woke up feeling as thin as someone like, oo I don’t know… so many to pick, so little time… I know!!!)
I woke up this morning feeling as thin as Paris Hilton!!! (But with bigger boobs and less money obviously…..and no dodgy porn video hanging about in the background….I’d never get my foof out in public. I wouldn’t want to unduly stun someone to death or give them nightmares for a year…yes yes, post birth foof is mentally scaring…. Shall we move on now? I feel we have laboured this point enough. (See what I did there?)
Yippee!!!! I thought! It’s a thin day!
(I am not sure why there is a sheep dancing at the top of this picture. It is obviously having a thin day too. Rejoice rejoice!)
After getting out of bed and managing to avoid impaling myself or tripping up on all manner of randomness strewn across the floor (upturned plug, pile of washing, cuddly toy, microwave oven….) I just knew today was going to be a great day.
(Don’t understand the relevance? Then neither do I. I’m not showing my age! Life is the name of the game…)
I put on my jeans, easily ignoring the pinch around my thighs and tummy, fastened them up proud as punch, a smug smile playing on my lips (They are pre pregnancy jeans after all.. Ok, these exact ones aren’t pre pregnancy, but these are the ones just like my pre pregnancy jeans that I bought in a bigger size, but they are like my pre pregnancy jeans in that, they are both blue and they are both from river island, but they are not my exact pre pregnancy jeans but they may as well be! Ok??) And found the perfect pre pregnancy t-shirt (don’t start me off again) to go with them almost at once.
I looked in the mirror and instead of focusing on my large rear end and my still heavily expanded uterus hanging over my belt (look, i know it’s been nearly a year but I have a huge uterus ok? It’ll take a good while for it to go back. These things don’t happen overnight you know!) I instead focused on my hair and how the grease had helped straighten it out making me look like a Cleopatra lookalike, and my eyes, how the natural darkness underneath them (from a year’s worth of 3am starts – I bought a Gina ford book the other day, don’t tell anyone, it’s currently hiding under my washing basket. I am afraid to open it, mainly because if that bitch can get Woo sleeping all night I’ll feel like I’ve made a deal with the devil, and im just not ready yet ok? I’m scared. Have you not seen Ghost rider? ) made me look mysterious and was it me? Or did I look a little? Dare I say it? De-hydrated?
(Looking dehydrated is wonderful in my book. It means my lips swell to six times their normal size which makes me feel like Angelina Jolie and once I’ve applied six coats of Mac lip gloss you can’t even see the crustiness around them so i get to go all pouty and flouncy and whore-like without having to make any effort (not that I have ever made an effort to look like a clapped out whore, it comes naturally to me) and it also means my eyes go black, which makes my face look skinny. (So basically I look like a skinny, clapped out whore. Wonderful.)
Alas, it usually doesn’t last long however, as i am addicted to VimPto – YES there is a P in Vimto. You just can’t see it. It’s like the silent K in knife, but the other way round. You hear it but you can’t see it. VIMPTO. It just sounds so much better than Vimto. I mean woman, please! … do you think the fact he is called PURPLE Ronnie, which has to P’S in it, is a coincidence?….. I have made my point. Enough now.)
Good to know.
But anyway, where was I?
I Looked knackered and de-hydrated! Meaning i looked like a size 16 (i mean *cough, splutter, cough*) slip of a waif of a stick insect of a girl.
I was having a thin day.
So happy was I about the thinness I was currently experiencing, that I allowed myself a Krispy Kreme. (Why not? Go on! You deserve it! You have eaten NOTHING in 9 hours, yes you have been asleep…. but STILL! You deserve it!!!)
So happy was I about the thinness I was currently experiencing, that I had a couple of bites of Addison’s Panini (Yes he eats Panini’s or is plural Panini; paninai? Either way! Since we bought the Totseat, eating is not a problem, and sometimes he will have two!)
So happy was I about the thinness I was currently experiencing, that when i got home I agreed to having a Chinese take away. (I deserve ittttttt, and I haven’t had one in monthssssssss!!! I have been on a diet foreverrrrrrrrr, and ok I may not be able to eat it properly in these jeans , that was why jogging bottoms were inventeddddd!)
I have now finished my Chinese and have realised. That even though emotionally thin days are great for my self-esteem. They are not good for my wardrobular area.
Tomorrow I will no doubt be having a fat day.
And, as im bound to feel guilty tomorrow and even though I am currently experiencing stuffeddessness, technically i am still on my thin day, so therefore yes, Yes Irish One, I will have some ice cream. (And yes, I will have some maple syrup too – screw it, i am positively waif like!)
I knew it was a good job I didn’t throw those mat jeans away, I will probably need them in the morning.
BUT WHO CARES??
HURAA FOR EMOTIONALLY GUILT FREE EATING DAYS.
Look how skinny I am!
Tommorrow will be a fat day. (oh no!)