Back seat driving and carpet flowers!! Moaning bitch club, By Miss Katie Bailey!
Hello, my name is Katie, and I, am a moaning bitch.
( Not all the time, just when one or more of the below happens…….ok then yes, most of the time!)
I can literally, have days where I get out of bed and everything is bound to piss me off!
From the shouts of
‘Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, my NEED milky, my NEED a tissue, my NEED changing’ to the hubby saying,
‘So what are you doing today?’
Have you really got time for me to reel it all off Mr???? HAVE YOU?
Do you mean in-between cooking breakfast (and yes, toast IS cooking), dinner and tea, 50 odd loads of washing, hoovering 10 times while wiping mucky finger prints off the TV yet again, not to mention doing 2-3 hours of work, packing orders and all while chasing two toddlers around, trying to stop them swinging from the curtains and mountaineering up the bookcase???
Is that what you mean?
I also have days where I’m in the best mood ever but can switch from that to wanting to kill someone in a matter of seconds!! (And if anyone suggests it might be my hormones or even darws utter the words ‘time of the month’ then oh my god, they better look out!!!!
So, I hope you are all sitting comfortably! This may take a while!
My biggest moans!
- The TT’s (aka the Tiny Tots or the Terrible Toddlers, depending on their moods),
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my children to bits and wouldn’t change them for the world! But even at 2 & ½ and 16 months they know exactly how to push my buttons!! Their idea of entertainment involves climbing everywhere (and I mean everywhere – little man’s favourite vantage point currently, is behind the TV stood on the glass television stand!!) They also very much enjoy wrestling each other and trashing other people’s houses! Imagine my horror yesterday when they started to get a little, erm….mischievous at a friend’s house. (I am going grey, I really am!) Lots of unsuitable items were within reach and they both started grabbing at stuff at the same time!! (cue panic mode!!) This all came to a head when little man decided he wanted to play with a box containing my friends recently deceased cat’s ashes….eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk! (Fortunately, being the superhero I am, I saw what was about to happen, and managed to dive at him, retrieving the box and putting it out of reach just in time! Now that could have been extremely embarrassing!)
- Carpet watering! Is it only mine? Or do other parent’s children also get great entertainment out of watering the carpet with their juice? I frequently nip into the kitchen to get them a snack and come back to a soaking wet carpet and two sniggering toddlers! For God’s sake, the carpet is not grass, it does NOT NEED WATERING!!! ( And while we are at it, who the hell comes into my house at night and leaves great dirty black marks on my carpet? It’s already suffering badly enough from 2 toddlers and a dog, it does not need the variety of juice and calpol stains adding to! Why can’t the cleaning fairies come visit my house instead? *sob*)
(This may or may not be me… ahem.)
- Snail trail. It is inevitable that every time I am wearing black leggings little miss will come along, pretend she is giving me a cuddle, then revert to stealth mode and sneakily wipe a trail of snot up my leg, consequently making me look like I’ve been attacked by a snail! As if the suitcases under my eyes, spots and spare tyre weren’t enough to make me feel like a bag of crap as it was, little miss still feels to need to put her ‘signature stamp’ on my look! (ARGHHHHHHH.)
- Fickle toddlers. To be fair Little man hasn’t been great this week, he’s had a sore throat and a cough so I will let him off, but even still! He will usually, constantly ask for a desired food. Usually pasta, sausages etc. He will promise sincerely to eat the coveted food item, repeat ‘my eat it now’ throughout the whole cooking process but then refuse it as soon as it’s under his nose. The pasta is not ‘boingy’ enough! What the…….. Cue meltdown.
- Unexpected presents. Yes, they sound great don’t they? Unfortunately this usually consists of little man repeating ‘look mummy, look mummy, look mummy’, ‘Yes sweetheart, what is it?’ and I end up with a lovely bogey deposited in my hand, on my leg, wiped on my sleeve. Oh thank you darling! Just what mummy always wanted…… Anyway. You get the picture.
- Backseat drivers wind me up a treat, especially when they are 2 ½ and their driving experience consists of ramming their sister in the ankles with either, a pram or a Roary the Racing Car ride, thingamabob!‘Mummy, you’s not got two hands on the wheel’
‘Mummy, your wheel is the wrong way round’,
‘Mummy, you’s not cleaned your window screen’,
‘Mummy, your car is rubbish, has to go in bin!’…..arrrrrggggggggggggggghhh…… deep breath!!! – Little man, if you weren’t only 2 and ½ I would be tempted to make you get out and walk!
- Wide Load. Having two toddlers I also get the pleasure of pushing a double pushchair (Joy!) Now the TT’s love it and it’s really not so bad, but take it shopping with us and it immediatey makes me want to ram people in the ankles and bowl over shop displays!! There just isn’t anywhere near enough space in shops!!!! I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve queued up at a checkout for ages, with screaming grumpy children only to find when I get there that I can’t get through the bloody thing and have to queue again somewhere else!!!! And the looks I get from people when I politely ask them to shift their ass, you’d think I was asking for blood! Then they think they are being clever when they move a bloody millimeter. Erm, excuse me……can you not see I’m pushing a frikkin 10 tonne bus here Mrs!! MOVE!!!
- Parking. ‘Ditto’ to everything that has already been said, I think the parking issue has already been well and truly covered so I need not go there.
(Thats more like it!)
- Chocolate! Why oh why do you taunt me so much? Especially when I have the willpower of a raging nymphomaniac at a sex convention. As if the spare tyre around my middle wasn’t bad enough without you, you teasing little minx!
- Cake, Wine, Coffee, Crisps, Biscuits……see above.
- Rubbish calories. You know the situation, you go to a coffee shop/friends house, there are cakes sitting there ridiculing you, ‘you know you want me, oh go on, I’ll go easy on you, just one won’t hurt’ etc. So you debate, should I? Shouldn’t I? Oh no, I’ve been fairly good this morning (the half a chocolate croissant that little miss wouldn’t eat does not count), I’d better not. Oh go on then, if you insist. You start drooling and bite into the cake only to find it tastes bloody awful. So you’ve either spent hard earned pennies on crappy calories that are wasted or you have to sit there in front of the person who made them, politely claiming that they are absolutely delicious!
- Proper work. People who think that I don’t do ‘proper’ work, or even work, because I don’t always go out of the house to do it! Yes, my job is very flexible and fits in extremely well with small children but it also means I have to work during naptimes and evenings. There are days, very occasionally, where I’d love to go out to work and be able to give a single task my full concentration rather than running upstairs in the middle of writing an email/article to deal with a teething toddler and then completely forgetting even what I was doing, let alone what I was about to write! MY JOB IS A PROPER JOB!
- Me. Then there is me, I’m not a complete hypocrite. I do annoy myself too and am completely open about it. Well, when anyone asks anyway. I’m the world’s worst at procrastination…in fact, I’ll tell you the rest tomorrow…
- My awful memory. As if it wasn’t bad enough before the kids, I now have the memory of a goldfish. It’s recently cost me £13 in library fines and, erm, I can’t even remember what else!
- My perfectionism. I ‘was’ always a bit of a control freak and slightly OCDish. I was nicknamed Monica in the early days of our marriage by my hubby, who used to find great amusement in running into the kitchen and leaving open all the doors and drawers, to make me laugh and snap me out of the frantic ‘I’m the only bloody one who does anything round here’ cleaning frenzies! I don’t really have those frenzies anymore, frankly I’m too knackered. But I’m not sure what annoys me about it, the fact that I can’t be arsed to be a perfectionist anymore or the looks I get that say, ‘really, but your house is a bloody tip’ when hubby mentions what a clean freak I am! I don’t think he actually notices how much my standards have dropped. Probably just as well eh?
- And, last but no means the clocks. The frikkin clocks go back this weekend which means we’ll all spend next week desperately trying to get our babies to go to bed at 6 rather than 7. In October we had weeks of sleepless nights because of the damned clocks. Can’t we just put the bloody clocks forward by 30 minutes and have done with it? Who the hell ever invented daylight saving time anyway??? Obviously it was someone who did not have children!
Right, I think I’d better shut up now, believe me I could go on for much longer! Maybe I’ll save that for another time. Thank you for listening, I do feel much better now, which will probably last all of 5 mins when we get to playgroup and I find they’ve got messy play.
Hopefully, they will have remembered the chaos the TT’s cause last week and thought better of it!!
My name is Katie, and I, am a moaning bitch.