Moaning bitch club.
Welcome to the first meeting of the moaning bitch club.
So far, there is only me here.
But I am hopeful you will join me!
(Look, please join me ok? Otherwise it’s not a club, it’s just me sat here being a moaning bitch on my own. And really! that is no fun whatsoever!!)
Ok, so I will start.
Hello, my name is Lexy Ellis, and I am a moaning bitch.
I am irritated beyond belief.
I am twitching with irritation.
The warning sign over by head is beeping loud and clear.
WARNING! WARNING! MELTDOWN IMMINENT! MELTDOWN IMMINENT!
I am sat on the sofa, glaring at the Irish One while tearing a salmon and cream cheese pita bread to bits like a ravenous cave woman attacking a turkey leg. (Did they eat turkey legs? Were there even turkeys back then? Ok, dinosaur leg then. WHAT EVER!)
I am munching away like an angry little hobbit with a cross to bear.
I am so annoyed!
Come on Irish One – for the love of god say something so I can release this pent-up fury!! (Anything, Just say anything!!! It doesn’t really matter what you say as I will undoubtedly ‘unlock the code’ and find something to shout about! I need you to be annoying right now! Come on!! ! You are usually so good at it!!)
EVACUATE NOW! All REMAINING IRISH PEOPLE, EVACUATE NOW!!
Why am I so effing peed off? Why am I verging on furious? Why am I starting to resemble the incredible hulk?
(I WISH!!! But look! She must have, baby hulks! Notice please, the saggy belly! Good on her…)
I don’t actually know. BUT I KNOW THERE WAS SOMETHING OK?
I just can’t bloody remember!
I am not sure if it was something specific, or whether there has just been a build up of annoyances over the last few days.
Maybe there has been a full moon, or a half-moon, or a shooting star, or an influx of gases in my sign, or something. (By sign, I mean abdomen.)
But either way, the past couple of days have been turbulent.
I will share.
- Mother and baby parking IS FOR MOTHERS AND BABYS!! (IF YOU ARE 22 AND ARE ‘JUST RUSHING IN TO BUY BEER’ YOU CAN SOD OFF AND PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE!! These spaces are for MOTHERS AND BABYS!! Ever tried squeezing a maxi-cosi out of a hole shaped for an pizza slice? NO!!! PARK SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!)
- Don’t call me a fatty and then say ‘only joking!’
Do not say ‘I bet Woo thought you were trying to poison him’ and then say ‘only joking!’
Do not say ‘you are a terrible cook’ and follow it up with ‘only joking!’ – If you are a horrible mean person, and if you have horrible, mean and thoughtless things to say, at least have the courage to stand by your convictions. Only joking is a total cop-out, and next time you say it, I will lamp you. (I am not joking.)
- Is there a school somewhere that teaches men to CHANGE THE BLOODY LOO ROLL? Nuff said.
- When will I be able to eat like a normal person again and not have a belly that hangs down to my sodding knees? SERIOUSLY LOOSE FLESH! SOD OFF NOW!! (I’ve done 20 sit ups! What more do you want from me??)
- Don’t tell me you will ring me back at 3pm call center woman, then call me back at 6.45 p.m just as i am trying to get a baby to sleep! You may not be able to time keep but I can! And no! I will not apologise for slamming the phone down!
- Why is my carpet always covered in yoghurt?? No one in this house eats bloody yoghurt!!!
- Dear company that do the gardens, 8am is too early to start your lawn mower outside my bedroom window, while you stand there having a chat with your mate!!! I have had no sleep and now you have woken the baby up!!! I will not apologise for throwing a crumpet at you. I am sure this is not the first time you have had to duck from flying breakfast material!!
- Where the hell are all my Tupperware lids? (Seriously!!!!! I have a million tubs but no lids!! Is the cupboard eating them???!!!)
Sorry! Must dash… I have seen my opportunity…
IRISH ONE, what are you doing?
YOU ARE PUTTING THE FOOTBALL ON, AGAIN?
Has mercury been rising in Uranus? (fnar fnar!)
Share with me your irritants!
Welcome to the #MoaningBitchClub
Go right ahead! No judgement here! We can meet, whenever and wherever we like, as is our GOD GIVEN RIGHT!!
Oh and can you bring some bloody Tupperware lids please?