How to expect what you are not expecting.
There should be alerts.
There should be bells and whistles. Sirens and drum beats.
At the very least there should be warning signs.
There is already?
No, i don’t mean, the ‘oh congratulations on your pregnancy’ type slogans
‘Here is what you can and cannot do for the next nine (ten) months’ type pamphlets.
I’m talking about the full on, honest, ‘trespass at your own risk, drink this bleach and your insides won’t be clean and sparkly, you’ll be dead’ type, easy to read picture and cautionary tale- warnings. Skull and crossbones, that type of thing.
‘Don’t eat MacDonald’s, accept pain relief and avoid un-pasturerised cheese’ aren’t useful at all!
They are completely redundant! Like locking the gate after the bulldog has bitten the priest in the ball sack. (True story. And yes. He did take the lords name in vain. But i can’t say i blame him to be honest.) They are like taking your tarmac stained boots off after you’ve trodden it all the way across the new carpet. (How my friend’s husband isn’t dead right now, i really don’t know. The Irish one would be digging his own shallow hole. Brand new cream carpets! Tarmac – everywhere!)
I’M TALKING PROPER, HONEST, EASY TO UNDERSTAND WARNING SIGNS.
I’m talking the kind of warnings you see on sign posts while waiting to board a great big scary rollercoaster. The ones you look at while you are waiting in line, and meticulously read, looking for some sort of get out clause. Or if you are a lover of roller coasters, the signs you read over and over again, while working yourself up in to a ‘woohooo i could have a heart attack, this ride is gonna be amazing’ frenzy. (I used to be the latter, now i mumble about how i have weakened pelvic floor and toddle off to the bathroom. Well, have you been on a bouncy, spinny, upside down ride since giving birth? I have. It was NOT pretty. Let’s just say i told people i had been on the log flume…)
Pregnancy, birth and motherhood is often described as ‘the biggest rollercoaster a woman can ride’ right? So why not? Why not give appropriate forewarning?
Your doctor should provide adequate signals and information! They could have them on the walls in the family planning clinic. They could swing over your head as you walk in to the gynae’s office. They could be stuck in pamphlet holders on your consultant’s reception.
Some bint in a smock could hand them out on the pregnancy test and condom aisle in Morrison’s. ‘Here you go love, just so you know. What to expect if you do, or if you are in the situation where you are with child, for the next 1-35 years. Thanks very much love. Have a nice day.’
I’m not talking any mamby pamby, watery, slowly break it to you type warning signs, here. I’m talking honest, straight forward, hard hitting, no beating around the bush, type signs informing you of the ride you are about to take;
by taking off the condom/ stopping the pill/ getting drunk/ allowing him to take his wellies off in the bath. – Delete as appropriate
Here are some examples of what i feel, the Side effects and cautions could be.
Do not ride – If you have a bad back. (As after labour you will affectively be crippled from the neck down. Walking around carrying a 23 pound boy with a snotty nose as well as having to push a trolley full of the Irish ones sausages and potatoes will ensure no sofa will ever be comfy again, and you will forever more inadvertently shout ‘oof’ every time you bend down to pick up a discarded dummy. And yes, those jeans are a bit tight but yes again, you did just show the 68 year old man behind you the rather long crack of your arse. Perhaps tomorrow you should go back to the leggings….)
Do not ride – If you have a tendency to be dizzy. (As after birth you will no longer be dizzy, you will automatically find yourself, against your will or say so, upgraded to dozy bloody mare status. You can blame the Iphone all you want for sending messages such as;
- ‘I can’t wait to taste your cock’ to an old family friend. (Cooking, i can’t wait to taste your cooking!) or,
- ‘You are one hot mammal’ to a heavily pregnant and slightly paranoid about her weight gain, friend. (Mama, you are one hot mama!) or even,
- ‘My hot cock tastes yummy’ to over 1000 people on twitter, (Chocolate, my hot CHOCOLATE tasted yummy!)
But ultimately you will only have yourself to blame. You were dizzy and you ignored the signs. You were already a bit dazed and you still embarked on the motherhood rollercoaster. Now you are just a dozy cow. And yes, maybe the Iphone is a bit pervy, but seriously, at least something is. When was the last time you even had sex? )
Do not ride – If you have high blood pressure. (A mild nuisance can no longer be categorised as a slight irritant. A cat meowing outside your bedroom window at 11pm before birth, may have been considered cute. You may even have worried it was hungry and fetched a bowl of milk. Post birth, you will not care about being ‘an animal lover’ or even contemplate helping the neighbours call the ‘rspca.’ You will be looking for a shotgun. You will be fashioning a sling shot using a pair of old knickers and a heavy dirty nappy. (You can make anything when you are a mother.)
‘Wake the baby, cat? And feel the wrath of mother in a blind, red, furious rage!’
Do not ride – If you are a control freak. (Nothing will be routine ever again. EVER. Even your lists will change minute by minute. You may follow Gina ford (Swear word in our house) but on occasion you will not meet her standards. The house will be a mess. No, you can laugh all you want. You can tell me you have OCD all you want. The HOUSE WILL BE A MESS. Even when it is tidy. Your trained nose will smell poo. And the cleaning starts again. IT NEVER ENDS.
Were you in control of your emotions before? You thought you were. But you got on the ride. Now you are out of control. Whether you like it or not. Now you are a snivelling, howling, hysterically laughing, sobbing, balling, shouting, walking round in circles heap of un – ironed baby grows.
Oh and there is a milk ring from the bottle on the tv stand. (Just letting you know!)
Do not ride- If you suffer with memory problems. (What was i just saying? No seriously! What was i talking to you about? Damn it, it was really juicy! I haven’t seen you for ages. I wanted to catch up but i can’t finish a sentence. I just walked in to the kitchen for something. Er, hang on. What did i need? I’ll just pop back in to the living room that will remind me. Oh yeah , feed the dog and put the kettle on for a bottle. No problem. So what was i saying? Oh yeah. If you have memory issues you are screwed. As after birth, when you are tired and… Was that the door? No? Ok, so yeah when you are… what was i saying? Hang on. I’ll remember. Just let me give the dog a bottle and feed the baby some Pedigree chum.
- Have you seen my book? It’s in the fridge? Well what the hell is it doing in there?
- Do you know where my boots are? They are on the bed? Why the hell are they on the bed.
- Have you seen my eye liner? It’s in my hand? Oh yes, so it is.
I am not joking here. Auto-pilot is a fucker.
Do not ride –If you are not ready. (Hahahahahahahahahaha. When are you ever ready? I thought i was ready. I planned, i nested, i prepared. I was SO READY!! I was wrong. I was NOT ready! But then, are you ever ready to never sleep again? To hold a tiny anus open to help find trumps? To pick your Childs stomach lining from between your toes? Are you ever ready to constantly smell like an old sleeping bag? You know the smell. Musty, with a mixture of puke.)
Do not ride – If you enjoy sex. (Anal stitching is somewhat of a deterrent.)
Do not ride – As some effects may be too intense for some adults. (Anal stitching. Even the midwife cringed.)
Do not ride – As may be frightening for some people. (Tearing afore mentioned anal stitching. My Screams made the neighbours call the police. They thought i was being ‘maimed with a blunt hatchet’ (true story.)
Do not ride – If you suffer from claustrophobia, agoraphobia, oooegraphobia (fear of eggs) or irritatingmanaphobia (phobia of irritating men.) I may have made that last one up. (and the one before. But seriously, if you are scared of eggs, don’t do it. Kids love them scrambled! Awful, just awful!)
You ignored ALL my warnings? You got on the ride anyway???
Well, in that case.
Please keep arms, hands, shoulders (knees and toes, knees and toes) in the vehicle at all times. Do not try and disembark said vehicle while carriage is still moving. You will only cause unnecessary rocking of the proverbial boat.
Should you feel a little depressed, a little sad, a little guilty, and a little confused please seek help.
Should you feel like doubting yourself at every turn please try not to. You are amazing.
If you feel like crying every second day. Please seek help. You are not alone.
If you feel like knocking your other half out, please remove all sporting equipment from the home.
If you did not bond with your baby immediately, you are just like me. He is my world, now.
If you still wear maternity pants on occasion because you enjoy having a warm tummy, ahem… what? I have no idea what you mean? These are just my stretchy pants!!
If you sometimes feel you aren’t good enough. YOU ARE.
Is your child happy? Then you are more than good enough.
Are you struggling to be happy? Confide in somebody.
WARNING: ALL RIDERS DO SO AT THIER OWN RISK. THE ESTABLISHMENT TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL CONSUMING LOVE, COURAGE ONLY A MOTHER KNOWS, PATIENCE ONLY A MOTHER UNDERSTANDS AND A FEELING OF CALM AND BELONGING, WHEN YOUR CHILD SMILES AND GRABS YOUR FINGER, ONLY A MOTHER CAN’T HELP FEELING PROUD OF.
You made a baby. You are a superhero. (Would batman endure hours of labour, nipple torture and a forced episiotomy or anal tearing, and still smile at the end of is all? No he bloody wouldn’t. Batman is a frigging wimp. Bang! Pow! Wallop! My arse…(Literally.)
If you wish to ride again? (You are a mentalist.)
I am SO going to ride again***!
*Park attractions are currently closed for routine maintenance.
*No they will not open tonight.
*In other words; I have a bad back, I am a control freak, I get motion sickness, I am not ready and Ohmygod I suffer from Irritatingmanaphobia, so youve no chance. (Not for another 2 years anyway….)