How to expect what you are not expecting.

There should be alerts.

There should be bells and whistles. Sirens and drum beats.  

At the very least there should be warning signs.

There is already?

No, i don’t mean, the ‘oh congratulations on your pregnancy’ type  slogans

‘Here is what you can and cannot do for the next nine (ten) months’ type pamphlets.

 I’m talking about the full on, honest, ‘trespass at your own risk, drink this bleach and your insides won’t be clean and sparkly, you’ll be dead’ type, easy to read picture and cautionary tale- warnings. Skull and crossbones, that type of thing.  

 ‘Don’t eat MacDonald’s, accept pain relief and avoid un-pasturerised cheese’ aren’t useful at all!

They are completely redundant! Like locking the gate after the bulldog has bitten the priest in the ball sack. (True story. And yes. He did take the lords name in vain. But i can’t say i blame him to be honest.) They are like taking your tarmac stained boots off after you’ve trodden it all the way across the new carpet. (How my friend’s husband isn’t dead right now, i really don’t know. The Irish one would be digging his own shallow hole. Brand new cream carpets! Tarmac – everywhere!)

I’M TALKING PROPER, HONEST, EASY TO UNDERSTAND WARNING SIGNS. 

I’m talking the kind of warnings you see on sign posts while waiting to board a great big scary rollercoaster. The ones you look at while you are waiting in line, and meticulously read, looking for some sort of get out clause. Or if you are a lover of roller coasters, the signs you read over and over again, while working yourself up in to a ‘woohooo i could have a heart attack, this ride is gonna be amazing’ frenzy. (I used to be the latter, now i mumble about how i have weakened pelvic floor and toddle off to the bathroom. Well, have you been on a bouncy, spinny, upside down ride since giving birth? I have. It was NOT pretty. Let’s just say i told people i had been on the log flume…)

Pregnancy, birth and motherhood is often described as ‘the biggest rollercoaster a woman can ride’ right? So why not?  Why not give appropriate forewarning?

Your doctor should provide adequate signals and information!  They could have them on the walls in the family planning clinic. They could swing over your head as you walk in to the gynae’s office. They could be stuck in pamphlet holders on your consultant’s reception.

Some bint in a smock could hand them out on the pregnancy test and condom aisle in Morrison’s. ‘Here you go love, just so you know. What to expect if you do, or if you are in the situation where you are with child, for the next 1-35 years. Thanks very much love. Have a nice day.’

I’m not talking any mamby pamby, watery, slowly break it to you type warning signs, here. I’m talking honest, straight forward, hard hitting, no beating around the bush, type signs informing you of the ride you are about to take;

by taking off the condom/ stopping the pill/ getting drunk/ allowing him to take his wellies off in the bath. – Delete as appropriate

Here are some examples of what i feel, the Side effects and cautions could be.

Do not ride – If you have a bad back. (As after labour you will affectively be crippled from the neck down. Walking around carrying a 23 pound boy with a snotty nose as well as having to push a trolley full of the Irish ones sausages and potatoes will ensure no sofa will ever be comfy again, and you will forever more inadvertently shout ‘oof’ every  time you bend down to pick up a discarded dummy. And yes, those jeans are a bit tight but yes again, you did just show the 68 year old man behind you the rather long crack of your arse. Perhaps tomorrow you should go back to the leggings….)

Do not ride – If you have a tendency to be dizzy. (As after birth you will no longer be dizzy, you will automatically find yourself, against your will or say so, upgraded to dozy bloody mare status. You can blame the Iphone all you want for sending messages such as;

  • ‘I can’t wait to taste your cock’ to an old family friend. (Cooking, i can’t wait to taste your cooking!) or,
  • ‘You are one hot mammal’ to a heavily pregnant  and slightly paranoid about her weight gain, friend. (Mama, you are one hot mama!) or even,
  • ‘My hot cock tastes yummy’ to over 1000 people on twitter, (Chocolate, my hot CHOCOLATE tasted yummy!)

But ultimately you will only have yourself to blame. You were dizzy and you ignored the signs. You were already a bit dazed and you still embarked on the motherhood rollercoaster. Now you are just a dozy cow.  And yes, maybe the Iphone is a bit pervy, but seriously, at least something is. When was the last time you even had sex? )

Do not ride – If you have high blood pressure. (A mild nuisance can no longer be categorised as a slight irritant. A cat meowing outside your bedroom window at 11pm before birth, may have been considered cute. You may even have worried it was hungry and fetched a bowl of milk. Post birth, you will not care about being ‘an animal lover’ or even contemplate helping the neighbours call the ‘rspca.’  You will be looking for a shotgun. You will be fashioning a sling shot using a pair of old knickers and a heavy dirty nappy. (You can make anything when you are a mother.)

‘Wake the baby, cat? And feel the wrath of mother in a blind, red, furious rage!’

Do not ride – If you are a control freak. (Nothing will be routine ever again. EVER. Even your lists will change minute by minute. You may follow Gina ford (Swear word in our house) but on occasion you will not meet her standards. The house will be a mess.  No, you can laugh all you want. You can tell me you have OCD all you want. The HOUSE WILL BE A MESS. Even when it is tidy. Your trained nose will smell poo. And the cleaning starts again. IT NEVER ENDS.

Were you in control of your emotions before? You thought you were. But you got on the ride. Now you are out of control. Whether you like it or not. Now you are a snivelling, howling, hysterically laughing, sobbing, balling, shouting, walking round in circles heap of un – ironed baby grows.

Oh and there is a milk ring from the bottle on the tv stand. (Just letting you know!)

Do not ride-  If you suffer with memory problems. (What was i just saying? No seriously! What was i talking to you about? Damn it, it was really juicy! I haven’t seen you for ages. I wanted to catch up but i can’t finish a sentence. I just walked in to the kitchen for something. Er, hang on. What did i need?  I’ll just pop back in to the living room that will remind me. Oh yeah , feed the dog and put the kettle on for a bottle. No problem. So what was i saying? Oh yeah. If you have memory issues you are screwed. As after birth, when you are tired and… Was that the door? No? Ok, so yeah when you are… what was i saying?  Hang on. I’ll remember. Just let me give the dog a bottle and feed the baby some Pedigree chum.

  • Have you seen my book? It’s in the fridge? Well what the hell is it doing in there?
  • Do you know where my boots are? They are on the bed? Why the hell are they on the bed.
  • Have you seen my eye liner? It’s in my hand? Oh yes, so it is.

I am not joking here. Auto-pilot is a fucker.

Do not ride –If you are not ready. (Hahahahahahahahahaha. When are you ever ready? I thought i was ready. I planned, i nested, i prepared. I was SO READY!! I was wrong. I was NOT ready! But then, are you ever ready to never sleep again?  To hold a tiny anus open to help find trumps? To pick your Childs stomach lining from between your toes?  Are you ever ready to constantly smell like an old sleeping bag? You know the smell. Musty, with a mixture of puke.)

Do not ride – If you enjoy sex. (Anal stitching is somewhat of a deterrent.)

Do not ride – As some effects may be too intense for some adults. (Anal stitching. Even the midwife cringed.)

Do not ride – As may be frightening for some people. (Tearing afore mentioned anal stitching. My Screams made the neighbours call the police. They thought i was being ‘maimed with a blunt hatchet’ (true story.)  

Do not ride – If you suffer from claustrophobia, agoraphobia, oooegraphobia (fear of eggs) or irritatingmanaphobia (phobia of irritating men.)  I may have made that last one up. (and the one before. But seriously, if you are scared of eggs, don’t do it. Kids love them scrambled! Awful, just awful!)

You ignored  ALL my warnings? You got on the ride anyway???

Well, in that case.

Please keep arms, hands, shoulders (knees and toes, knees and toes) in the vehicle at all times. Do not try and disembark said vehicle while carriage is still moving.  You will only cause unnecessary rocking of the proverbial boat.

Should you feel a little depressed, a little sad, a little guilty, and a little confused please seek help.

Should you feel like doubting yourself at every turn please try not to. You are amazing.

If you feel like crying every second day. Please seek help. You are not alone.

If you feel like knocking your other half out, please remove all sporting equipment from the home.

If you did not bond with your baby immediately, you are just like me. He is my world, now.

If you still wear maternity pants on occasion because you enjoy having a warm tummy, ahem… what? I have no idea what you mean? These are just my stretchy pants!!

If you sometimes feel you aren’t good enough. YOU ARE.

Is your child happy? Then you are more than good enough.

Are you struggling to be happy? Confide in somebody.

WARNING: ALL RIDERS DO SO AT THIER OWN RISK. THE ESTABLISHMENT TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL CONSUMING LOVE, COURAGE ONLY A MOTHER KNOWS, PATIENCE ONLY A MOTHER UNDERSTANDS AND A FEELING OF CALM AND BELONGING, WHEN YOUR CHILD SMILES AND GRABS YOUR FINGER, ONLY A MOTHER CAN’T HELP FEELING PROUD OF.  

You made a baby. You are a superhero. (Would batman endure hours of labour, nipple torture and a forced episiotomy or anal tearing, and still smile at the end of is all? No he bloody wouldn’t. Batman is a frigging wimp. Bang! Pow! Wallop! My arse…(Literally.)

If you wish to ride again? (You are a mentalist.)

I am SO going to ride again***! 

 

*Park attractions are currently closed for routine maintenance.

*No they will not open tonight.

*In other words;  I have a bad back, I am a control freak, I get motion sickness, I am not ready and Ohmygod I suffer from Irritatingmanaphobia, so youve no chance. (Not for another 2 years anyway….)

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34 Comments on “How to expect what you are not expecting.

  1. This is officially the most I have ever laughed at a blog post. I very, VERY nearly pissed myself (seriously, how long do I have to do these stupid fucking pelvic floor exercises for? Do they even work?).

    Then, at the end, I cried. Buckets. Because it’s always amazing to be reminded that I am not alone, even though PND loves to make me think I am. Your blogs, since I discovered them a few weeks ago, have helped me through some really shitty times. I only hope I can return the favour someday.

  2. Yet again, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I actually roared iut loud at your typos because I remembered them all. Love the disclaimers chick, bang on!

    Thanks for linking up to SOSC!

  3. Hey Woo
    Sorry, this comment isn’t really anything to do with your post, even though I loved reading it, I just wanted to give you some advice following your nightmare time with the little ‘un! I didn’t know where else to dish it! My 2yo is allergic to pretty much most foods, but she is anaphalactic so it comes out over her skin – severe swelling and hives. But I do have a very good friend who’s little girl has the same internal reaction as Addison. She was finally diagnosed after months of suffering. Anyway, my one is dairy free too. She can not have Soya either. Thankfully she loves oat milk, which you can use to cook with too (worth noting the organic one is not calcium enriched). For desserts Birds custard powder, only contains corn flour and colouring, so can be made with oat milk, also add oat milk to jelly to make a milk jelly. Pure Sunflower Spread is dairy free (they also do a soya one), which you can find in health shops and bigger supermarkets and you can use this to cook and bake with – we don’t use butter anymore at all as this works really well. Cheese is a real pain – especially when you want to do a quick sandwich. But she eats lots of pickles and ham etc, and I top wheat free pasta with olive oil instead. As for eczema – both my kids have had it bad (I haven’t tried dairy with my baby yet – too scared as the chances of him having allergies are very high), but Aveeno Cream (the smaller tube in the range), has proved to be the most effective AND its fairly natural – a brucie bonus. Anyway, sorry to waffle, but thought this may help. Also if you want to know anything from a mums point of view (rather than docs), I am more than happy to ask my friend – she did loads of research into it and has agonised as you have. I really hope baby woo is feeling better. The difference in the kids once the allergen is removed from their diet is unbelievable – it freaks me out when I think how they must have suffered (wipes tear), and I, we, didn’t know why. xx

    • Thank you so much for all this information! It is a godsend. I am astounded by the support we have recieved and i can not thank you enough.
      I am about to go to the supermarket, as once the ‘potato diet’ ends i really want to try and get him wanting and enjoying eating again. I have been looking on the net but there seems to be dairy in so much! Even things like sausages! Its crazy. Anyway. To cut a long story short – thank you. I have added I wheat free pasta and sunflower spread to the list. (I have all the usual suspects, ham, chicken and veg overload on there! Although he is terrified of food at the moment and wasnt keen on veg before so i am sure i have a battle on my hands, poor baby, but he loved pasta and fish so i am hoping this will help!)
      With his eczema we have been given so many different creams, and on this topic, it has just taken me 3 hours to get him to nap because his legs are so itchy. They have prescribed a mild cortizone cream which works but that i only use in extreme cases. I am hoping it will help but in the meantime we have been given an oat based cream, (It may be aveeno, its in the bedroom and forgive me i cant move at the moment, i have the dog on my knee and im exhausted!) but it seems to be helping.
      Honestly thank you so much. It has been such a relief to finally get a diagnosis. We are keeping him on the soya at the moment as he seems to have settled on it. They would like us to go back to see the consultant on the 15th for a follow up so hopefully he will be on the road to recovery by then. He was meant to start nursery on monday, and although im thank ful to have a few extra weeks with him. I feel so bad for him and the pain he must have been in.
      Thank you again. xx

  4. Oh my I’m completely blaming you for the fact I’m crying & I now resemble a panda.
    That was one of the funniest (cos it’s true) posts I’ve read in a long time.
    Been having a bad day today but that cheered me up no end.

    Thanks mammal*

    *mama

  5. My husband thinks it is funny that I have to cross my legs before I sneeze or cough. Ok, not so much funny as he just doesn’t understand it. DAMN YOU PELVIC FLOOR!!!

    • I really dont know how you did it. You deserve a medal. You should be knighted!! from now on i will refer to you as MADAM cherrymumof6. i hereby night you superhero!! Queen of the world!!!

  6. It seems like there is a gap in the market for a book warning people of these things!
    Because I identify with almost everything- not the ‘riding again’ part though- I’m done!

  7. oh how I laughed, and then wet myself a little – why didn’t I know what a pelvic floor was before I lost it?

    always a great read – thanks for cheering up a wet saturday (that’s the rain outside obviously not pelvic floor related this time!)

  8. Hahahahaha brilliant 🙂

    I’m having an utterly rubbish day today and feel miserable and useless. Due-date for Baby2 is tomorrow and I know I should be all excited but I’m just tired, heavy, fed up and feel all fat and useless coz I haven’t got the energy to play with Baby1 properly.

    This post just made me feel a million times better! 😀 Thank you!!! x

    • OH MY GOODNESS!!! good luck with your due date!! wait, im late replying! have you had the baby yet?
      You too deserve a medal! you rode again! good luck and remember… er? what were we talking about again?
      lol xxx

  9. You are RIGHT. It is the best and the worst ride EVER. I enjoy it when I’m not vomiting/shouting/washing baby vomit out of my bra/trying not to use bad and memorable words…
    The sign re: selling kids to the circus reminded me of my gran, who regularly threatened to sell us to the gypsies for a quarter, but never did. Loved your post!

    • Hahaha thanks for reading! My dad used to say he would take me back to the baby supermarket and ask for a refund and exhange!! (actually now that i remember that it seems very cruel.. must ring and complain!) Its funny the stories that come back once you start to write! If you had been though, think of all the lucky heather! you would have won the lottery by now. no doubt! lol

  10. This is one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read, I was sitting here nodding and laughing my way through it. Thanks for writing it all down – everyone who says they are feeling broody should read this.

    I laughed particularly hard at the bit about memory. I think I lost my memory on the day I gave birth to my eldest child…

  11. Hilarious post as always Lexy. I can so identify with all of that, I spend ages looking for my glasses, usually while they are on my head!! You have definitely NOT lost your funny mrs……and you manage it after the bloody awful time you’ve had just lately, amazing xx

    • Thank you so much missis! and thank you for visiting as regulaly as you do. I am constantly looking for my glasses too! and its usually after i have put my lenses in and have no need to! Bloody nuisance!

      • You’re welcome, always a pleasure 🙂 Yep, I do that too, I also spend ages wondering why I can’t see when I have my glasses on…cause I have my lenses in too, duh!! xx

  12. Another moment of pure hilarity and joy! And FYI (I hate being a know all sometimes) fear of eggs is Ovidophobia! 😉
    I feel quite initmately aquainted with your anus these days. I must how ever fall back on old faithful when you needed cheering at work and simply say…

    PENIS

  13. Haha yes my house is now a permanent mess no matter how much I clean. AND I always smell poo, even when there is none, what’s the matter with me! Love your post 🙂

    • Its totally normal. Just a moment ago i was in the bath watching greys anatomy (my new favourite thing to do) and i could smell a dirty nappy. i got out of the bath and turned the light on. (I like to think of it as a home cinema bathroom system when actually i just turn the light off and have the laptop balanced precariously on the sink) and searched everywhere. There wasnt one. I got back in the bath but could still smell it. It ruined the moment. Mcsteamy just isnt as steamy when you can smell imaginery poo!

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