Dear Mother Nature…

 

I am writing to you today, as I am unable to get through on your 24 hour helpline. I am growing increasingly annoyed due to having been placed on hold countless times, before being connected briefly and then being cut off, as you ensure something else goes a miss, usually in the form of a screaming baby, a shitting vomiting dog, or this morning (thanks for this one by the way) both at the same time. As you are no doubt aware, I then have to hang up my praying hands and call back later.  (The middle finger at the sky is unnecessary; i understand that, however it is just a reflex at this point. You go too far sometimes ok?)

And besides, your automated system is awful. Continuously asking me to call back later (Magic 8 ball – seriously? If that is not a copout then I don’t know what is! Who thought of that little triangle of frustration? A MAN! A MAN DID THAT’S WHO! AND YOU MADE THEM TOO!) When later is too late. I need to talk to you right this second! I have looked for an address for your complaints department but am unable to find one, another example of your shoddy workmanship, as of late. 

I will not, however, be swept under the carpet like a discarded fish cracker. I will write this letter and I will bloody ensure you receive it on a wing and a prayer. (I will not send it with UPS who seem to LOSE EVERYTHING!!!) 

Basically Mother Nature, my complaint goes a little like this. 

  • I wee when I sneeze.
  • I wee when I bend down.
  • I wee when I laugh.

This used to amuse me.

TEN MONTHS LATER?!?! Not so much. I am sick of buying Tena Lady. Quite frankly I still feel embarrassed and uncomfortable at the checkout. It’s as though buying Tena Lady gives every checkout/new mother/granny an opening to tell you about how leaky they are too. DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO KNOW THESE THINGS?!? I just want to buy my wooden cucumber and chocolate bar  (The secret girls guide to a great night in… with the twitter band, OBVIOUSLY) and be done with it! 

  • I have no control over my fart reflexes and you know as well as I do, I am back at work soon.

 I do not need to elaborate on this. JUST STOP OK? Just stop!!! 

  • I still cry at the Dogs trust advert/anything remotely soppy/tramps and every time ANYTHING sad comes on the telly.

Not good when you are sitting at a friend’s house and Mr lopard (handy frigging Manny) loses his cat (although in fairness it was awful, he was desperate!! Even Addison was wimpering!!) Do you not want me to have friends?? Well don’t you?? Someone asked me if I wanted to sign a petition against child trafficking the other day. It took me 9 minutes to sign it, what with all the tears and wailing about the poor trafficked children. It was for the BODY SHOP! She was way out of her league and kept offering me free lip gloss. (Which I took.) 

  • My hair is still falling out but now you have added to my embarrassment by growing it back in tufts at the front. I am, against my will growing a mullet. Not a good look on me.
  •  My stretch marks seem to be going nowhere, I appear to have been run over by a sixteen wheeler, or mauled by a tiger in the dead of night. 
  • My back is fucked. There is no way of politely putting this. I am like a geriatric. I wince and groan and oof whenever I stand up.

I am 31 for godsake! And now my fingers and wrists seem to be seizing up too!?! What is all that about??

  • I have no control of my anger. If I throw the remote/full bottle of milk/poodle at the Irish One, one more time he will leave. (Hopefully. I don’t mean that….. ahem….. oh poor Irish One… here come the tears…. Let me go hug him… poor soldier…. …………………..Wanker said he was too busy for a hug!!!… Ill BATTER HIM!!!.. …..See no control!!)

And finally, 

  • Why have you removed my ability to say no to chocolate??  

I used to be able to say no?! Now I find myself sweeping my arm along the confectionary aisle in Morrisons. I have no self control!!!

You’re a bitch is what you are.

Forgive my anger and disappointment, but really, I am sure, even you can understand my utter disbelief at these, simply disturbing and horrifying games you seem to be enjoying playing.

So my question to you Mother Nature, are you taking the piss? What happened to the customer is always right?  As mentioned previously I cannot express in words my disappointment with your recent service.

And before I go on, please rest assured I have not always felt this way, hence my current disappointment. At one time I found myself in wondrous awe at the magnitude of brilliance you seemed so easily to fulfill.

I have watched trees blow in the wind, snow fall in April, and little lambs playing with their sheepy mothers in May. I have seen kittens take their first steps, watched in awe at waterfalls and all manner of beauty over the last 3 decades. I have constantly respected and sang your praises.

However, at this juncture in my life, I have to ask you again.

Are you taking the piss?

What the hell were you thinking when you created childbirth? 

I can’t even enjoy sex anymore. 

You ruined that too. I know how it ends.

I am waiting with NO anticipation for your reply. Although I am sure it will come. I am sure you will rain it down on me in your usual un-adultered and tremendous way.

I will not be wearing white trousers tomorrow.

Just so you know!! I am one step ahead of you!!!

So you’ll have to go away and think of some other way to torture me!! I know I am three days late on my cycle, but I know the minute I reach for those white trousers you will ensure it arrives!!!!

I may be unable to poo without wincing, but I ain’t stupid. I see you coming. 

Yours sincerely.

MammyWoo.

PS –OHMYGODIAMTHREEDAYSLATE!!!!

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49 Comments on “Dear Mother Nature…

  1. I missed this post at the time so I am sooooo glad you linked it up to SOSC. Once again you had me in stitches! And as for the wooden cucumber – now I get why your latest shopping list was so embarrassing! xx

  2. Hmmm. 3 days. Statistically a blip, theoretically. And I agree: Madame Upstairs has a lot to answer for in terms of design issues and that terrible joke that is pregnancy.

  3. Pingback: TheBoyAndMe · Things they don’t tell you when you’re pregnant!

  4. I just stumbled across your blog – I *love* it and this post had me tittering away over my morning coffee. Brilliant! Hope AF arrives soon for you :-S
    Heather

  5. Mother Nature SUCKS! 31 gave me a swift kick in the ass. I too have such crazy back problems I hate to see myself at 60. It was all over when I turned 30. I take some sort of comfort knowing im not the only 31 year old living in an 80 year olds body! xo

  6. That mother nature? She actually hates all women after she fucked herself and now pisses herself too. She is taking it out on all of us. She is a revengeful bitch. The chocolate has nothing to do with making us happy but everything to do with making us fat. If she can’t workout due to the piss and back? Then none of us can. Eat chocolate, get fat, old, out of shape, unhorny, and take care of those damn kids. If any of us were able to get a hold of her? She’d be dead. Great post.

  7. SNORT.

    However, I think you forgot to mention–or are mercifully not afflicted by–the Amazing Hip-Widening Childbirth Phenomenon. I suppose it’s not that amazing, considering that monstrous, big-headed children have to pass by them, but really? Couldn’t the hips then retract? You could breach mountain gorges by laying me across them. I remind Aura of this every day, right after I extort good behavior with food, clothing, and shelter.

    SUCH a good post.

  8. This is so funny!
    I would like to complain about pancake tits after two children!
    Thank you for making my morning even funnier.

  9. Thanks so much for the giggle and be assured I’m laughing with you not at you! Reading that I could have written it myself lol I am on mat leave with my second and recovering from SPD I was 5 days late and hubby said great let’s go for number 3!!
    He’s now recovering from a black eye!

  10. Great stuff as always… 🙂 Look on the bright side – if you do have a second one, at least you’ll have a decent excuse all your afflictions!

  11. hahahah I don’t swear alot *online* but that blog was ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SO damn good I take my hat off to you lovely lady….!!

    oh…and don’t have another one…it only gets worse….

  12. I. LOVE. THIS.

    I don’t know if I love it because you are, quite literally, piss your pants funny, or if it’s because the other day, my Husband asked me why I needed to cross my legs when I was having a coughing fit, and I identify with everything you’ve written.

    Either way, it’s bloody brilliant!

  13. Genius! Let me know if that evil crone replies. I’ve got a cold at the moment; I am sneezing. A lot. With my legs crossed. *sigh*
    (will not mention the three days late thing…) x

  14. Every time missus, every time! I read your posts and sit and laugh *out loud*! I look like a demented old loony, hubby is beginning to wonder what’s going on, and The Boy wishes I’d shut up so he can go back to sleep.

    Hormones? Check. Hair? Check. back? Christ yes, Check! I don’t have the wee-ing but I do have horrendous spots. So I’ll see your flatulence and raise you being fat. Pah, beat that!

  15. Ok, I’m going to be serious for a moment… have you seen the GP about the weeing, and the wincing when you poo? Are you doing pelvic floor exercises? Thing is, I didn’t realise until a health visitor told me quite recently, that if you don’t do them, it’ll only get worse. Clench now or you’ll be weeing uncontrollably in 30 years time. Apparently your GP can even refer you to a physio that specialises in these things.

    Back to normal… hilarious. The way you write makes me picture you sitting ranting away with a glass of wine, putting the world to rights. 🙂

    • Really?? i never even thought to speak to my GP but yeah duuh that sounds kind of obvious now, although yeah i think i have been a bit lazy on the clenching front! shall try some now.. yeuchhhhh!

  16. I love you Lexy, let me count the ways. Oh, that’s right I can’t as I’ve got to go and prepare to start my night shift with my tiddlers. So I hope I will come back again in daylight hours to congratulate you on writing what I think in my head but never dare type out. I will be thinking of you later tonight Lexy Woo, does that worry you? Probably not, you gotta get it where you can these days eh? Much worshipping and adoringly yours, @cambridgemummy

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