I love the way you lie.

I am collapsed on my sofa. Doodle is on my knee looking for a cuddle.

I can not feel him. I cannot move.

My eyes are wide open. Staring at nothing. Somewhere else.

I am hunted.

And this is where I was found.

This is where I found myself, when once again, you caught me.

I had run as far and as fast as I could run. I had hid around corners and ducked below humour. My heart pounding out of my chest, my mouth dry, I had been chased down empty moonlit streets and down damp tear stained, grief filled alley ways. I had jumped over obstacles, my breath bursting out of my lungs in sharp, short disappointment. Another dead end. There must be a way. I had clawed at the positive, breaking my nails with the determination to carry on, pulling myself, willing myself to get up and carry on running. To escape. I had slipped once or twice, and stumbled on life. I had run until my lungs hurt and my head banged, I had run until I physically could run no more. I had run until the tears pricked and my heart sank.

I could hear you laughing.

I could feel your breath on the back of my neck.

All this effort.

The painted smiles, the brittle laughter, the pretence.

The masked and terrifying intruder in my life, always only one step behind.

So easy for you to keep up.

You are hardened. You are a machine. You are well trained. You are dead inside.

I am not your first victim. I will not be your last.

But I let you finally grab me this time. Did you hear me?

I let you find me. I let you grab me.

I am regaining some control over you now. And you know it. Your grip on my neck is less cocksure. The agression in your whisper falters, your menacing grin has faded. I sense the fear, just for an instant. In your darkness. 

Hope.

I am wading through the disdain, the failure, the self hatred and the suffocating blanket of heartache that I have once again, been enveloped by. The crucifying sadness that you, you piece of shit, brought with you.

My energy is low. My battery light flashing. I am reaching for the light, but the wire is all tangled. I can not find the way. I am confused. I am lost.

You have won.

But this is just a battle. I am fighting a war.

A war I intend to win.

One day.

One day soon.

I won’t run.

I will be waiting.

I will be waiting, do you hear me?

I will be waiting.

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8 Comments on “I love the way you lie.

  1. I too fight that facker and I can tell you with a certainty…every night before you go to sleep, you win. You win because you survived another day. You win because when you wake you on the morning, you’re ready to kick ass again. Everyday, YOU WIN.
    I promise you that it does get better. There will be days when you feel just like you in this post, but it does pass. I promise you that. Lean on your support for strength in these times.
    You’re never alone in this fight.
    You have this facker by the nuts and don’t doubt that for a second.

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