I AM (post partum) WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!
I am a mother on Maternity leave.
Therefore by default, the Trafford Center belongs entirely to me. (And Woo!)
I am also a creature of Habit, (as if you didnt know this) and for the last 8 months I have visited the Trafford Center coffee house, each morning, between 11-12 for a Grande, skinny (because you have got to make an effort with weight loss.) Vanilla shot (because you have skinny so you can have a shot!) cappuccino (because it sounds sophisticated.) and a chill out with my little monster.
It is wonderful, and relaxing and calm. It is a weekday. The big children are in school. Most people are at work. It is peaceful. People Amble! How lovely! We sit like ladies and babies of leisure, me sipping on my Mocha. (Oops I mean skinny cappuccino!!) and Addison chomping on a slice of pear while making poo noises. (He makes poo noises while he eats, I don’t know why. He just does. Hopefully this will rectify itself before his first date…)
We sit together and watch the passing fashion, (ooo great bag! Ooo great shoes! Ooo you shouldn’t be wearing that top love (…she says stuffed in to her post partum girdle like a sausage in cellophane.) Or in Addison’s case (as he watches the baby fashion!) ooo Nice wheels, Ooo nice (foot) muff, ooo your mum looks nice and slim (…sideways glance at my gut! I see you child!) and it is wonderful. It is at times like this, I wish maternity leave could last forever.
So I have to ask, Christmas shoppers! Just who the heck do you think you are?
There are no seats, the high chairs are splattered with gloop, there are long queues, MY parking space is taken, there are teenagers sat on MY sofa, (…which makes me wonder about ‘FRIENDS’ and how odd they always got the sofa… I shall have to look in to it!) and worst of all? Addison is no longer the center of attention! He has competition! When he gurgles at people now, they choose to ignore him! He is baffled by this, and I am outraged!
There is no ambling anymore! People are stressed. People hussle! People tut and sigh and roll their eyes when faced with my pram. A (now worse for wear) woman literally walked directly in to Addison’s high chair as if he didn’t exist!! She knocked him flying! She didn’t even apologise! (Mummy? Why did you kick that woman in the face? Because i am post partum woman darling, and anybody who hurts you or does not smile indulgently when faced with your gorgeous big blue eyed smile gets a beating…. Not really, but in my mind I gave her a Jackie Chan ass whooping. Ninja styleeee… I mean, i dont want to labour the point here but just who the hell do you think you are? He is 7 months old! You are at least 28! Grow some manners!! and pass me a mince pie….. )
The Christmas approach is truly awful! And don’t even get me started on half term!
We are not going back anytime soon.
Which means, if you know me? Expect something off eBay.
And as for you Christmas shoppers?
The Trafford center belongs to me! Have some decorum! (And pass me another hot chocolate! ….oops I mean….. Oh sod it! Ill have some whipped cream too…)
This was first published as a guest post on www.westoncommunications.org.uk