Live fast, die young…

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning,
For a split second,
I forget.
If I hear the theme tune for the sopranos,
For a split second,
I forget.
When I see a motorbike zooming past,
For a split second,
I forget.

When I hear a voice in a crowd that sounds like you,
For a split second,
I am hopeful.
Every now and again I hear you laughing,
For a split second,
My heart soars.
Sometimes I see your face in a stranger,
For a split second,
The pain is gone.

When I look at my son and I know how much he would have loved you,
For a split second,
I am angry.
When I drive past your old house and feel the need to talk,
For a split second,
I am overcome.
When I see your name still in my phone,
For a split second,
I am crushed. 

When I think of growing up without you,
For a split second,
I hate you.
When I think of the years gone by and the fun we had,
For a split second,
I love you.
When I remember the times you held my hand,
For a split second,
I feel safe.
When I remember all you meant to me,
For a split second,
I am proud.

After all of these years, when my heart is still screaming,
For a split second,
I feel your hugs.
When I look at your photos, my face all stained,
For a split second, 
You are here.

If you could return to me just once,
For a split second,
I’d shout at you!
And when I’d finished giving you grief,
As is my job as your sister,
I would tell you how lucky we were to have you,
In our lives,
Even for a split second.

I love you Jason.
I will miss you forever.
Wherever you are now, pull out a barstool for me.
But this time, you are right,  I won’t have a Guinness.
I will have a hug.

Not for a split second, but forever,
Proud to be your little sister.  


14 Comments on “Live fast, die young…

  1. Oh my god. What A post. Am sat here with face streaming with tears. You expressed the feeling of loss so eloquently and passionately. I lost my brother too when he was just 16. And your words speak volumes. A great tribute to your brother.

  2. I thought I’d already commented but hadn’t! So sorry honey… That’s incredibly hard to go through especially with so many unanswered questions, but know that whatever the circumstantes, he is peaceful now. And watching over you and Addi.
    Lots of love

  3. Am now weeping 😦
    You seem very strong even though it must be so painful for you, i wish i had a magic wand xxx

  4. What beautiful beautiful words
    I’m sorry I don’t know the circumstances surrounding your brother’s death but this is such a lovely tribute to him x

  5. aaww sweetie, amazing words, im so sorry, he would be very proud of you. I lost my cousin age 26 2 years ago and I can understand to a certain amount the pain. sending you lots of love and a massive hug and thankyou for sharing something so personal xxxx

  6. Am sat here sobbing. You have beautifully expressed the pain of losing a loved one too early. Jason would be so proud of you. It hurts so much and sometimes it feels so raw its as if it just happened. If ever you want to talk shout or just have someone be there let me know. Love Sara xxx

  7. I wish I knew what to say… I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. I love my brother so much and the thought of ever losing him is just one of the worst things I can imagine. Be good to yourself. xx

  8. So lovely.
    I’m sorry for your pain. He looks like he sure was something else. Just so very full of life.

    Thank you so much for sharing. Through you, he lives on, y’know? Just … thank you.

    Big love.

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