Random advice i could do without.. thanks.

Yesterday I was visiting a friend in a Posh little village outside of Manchester. I was stood outside Marks and Spencer’s while she nipped in to get some caviar (or something equally as posh). I, on the other hand, am far too scruffy for ‘Marksnsparks’ so was stood outside staring in to my I-phone (as usual) chatting to my twitter friends while trying to ignore the looks of disdain my Quinny was getting from the BUGABOO mums.

It was a lovely day, as it always is in cheadle, peaceful and posh. I had given Addison a heads up earlier in the day. No tantrums in Cheadle little boy. Cheadle is far too posh for tantrums. But evidently he had decided to ignore me. He woke up from a nap, and decided that in no uncertain terms, he wanted out of his buggy. THIS INSTANT! It was such a surprise, as he is usually such a happy little chappy, so tranquil and smiling. (and no Im not bragging, Im just saying. – although clearly if I’d brought War and Peace he would have been happy to sit and read that… again.)

I quickly and in a mild panic (it was really, really loud screaming and also being a new mum – baby cries? Pick baby up. Gina Ford piss off.) I began the ‘untangling baby’ dance. Clip one, rope 2, button 3, twist 4 , jump up and down on your left foot 5, clasp undone 6 and he’s out! I wrapped my arms around his little trembling, tantrumy body and began my vain attempt at soothing him. Clearly something was the matter as usually he would stop crying the second he is picked up. (yes, yes rod for my back, I know.) I felt around his person for the usual suspects, belly (wind), bum (wet patches) and neck (eczema) but all seemed to be behaving. He continued with his somewhat angry crying and I began to search for his dummy.(tsk tsk)

While we are on this subject, can I just say that dummies have special powers. They can disappear and re-appear at will. And multiply! I spent half an hour searching for one the other day. I turned the house upside down only to find one, rinse it, drop it and find three at my feet! Anyways..

 I finally located the illusive dummy and was about to shove it, I mean gently place it, in his gob when out of nowhere a head thrust itself towards us. A little old lady in a green mac, a green scarf and a green head wrap with interestingly green teeth had broken all rules of personal space and was literally shaking her nobbly little head in what seemed to be disgust, a mere inches away from our faces. Addison immediately stopped crying for a second due to shock and ill be honest, I was gob smacked and just stood there like a total lemon, mouth hanging open.

‘Hello?’- me (step back slightly alarmed)
‘You know what you want to do?’ Posh, clipped and pretentious.
‘No?’ – me. Tired, gormless and confused.
‘Put a muslin over his face’
‘What?!?’
‘Put a muslin cloth over his face, that’ll soon stop him crying.’
‘EH?’

Seriously?! Put a muslin cloth over my sons face to stop him crying?! Yeah, thanks for the advice but I’m not gonna do that.

This has been playing over and over in my mind since the dotty old Disney villain wannabe  uttered the words. She wanted me to put a muslin cloth over my sons little face, to stop him crying. So basically she wanted me to suffocate my son. Yes Im sure it did stop your son crying missis. Im not sure a baby can cry and gasp for breath at the same time.

As we were walking away from the shops. Me holding a bag over Addison’s face, (JOKE!) It got me thinking about how total randomers seem to think its ok to stop and give you advice on being a mother. It’s like being part of the ‘mummy club’ means every man and their dog can assess you and your skills at any given time and offer totally unnecessary and unwanted ‘advice’. On a very rare occasion it can be helpful (usually off your own parents) but mostly I have found ‘stranger danger advice’ to be totally incorrect and utter crap. These ‘pearls of wisdom’ range from a little odd to full on ‘get your coat Addy, we’re off.’

This advice sharing starts from the second you develop a bump, in my opinion. (that and the touchy feelers, but again that’s another blog). So as I was ambling home I started to mentally Blog some of the other ‘nuggets of crap’ I have received over the last year. 

So here goes..

When pregnant – ‘Don’t reach up or your baby will be strangled on the cord.’ Thank you random woman in supermarket.

When pregnant – ‘You are definitely having a girl you are absolutely enormous, you should buy all pink, definitely.’-Thank you MR bus driver.

When pregnant- ‘Don’t have the pram in the house , its bad luck’ – Thank you random grandmother in Mothercare. (This one REALLY annoyed me.)

Life after birth – ‘He’s gorgeous but Im not sure I like the name Addsion. Theo is a nice name for a boy.’ -Thank you cash register girl.

Life after birth – ‘I can’t believe you aren’t breast feeding. You should be breast feeding’ – Thank you random passerby at Starbucks the Trafford centre. 

On losing baby weight – ‘You shouldn’t have eaten for two until the last trimester’ – The last time I saw this person they were hobbling from a swift, hard kick in the shin. You know who you are!

 I have so many more but I would love to hear some of yours.. Because I am absolutely sure it is not just I, who is subjected to this intrusion. And if it is, then what the hell am I doing wrong??  And also if Im honest I could carry on regaling you but ‘Put a muslin cloth over your baby’s face to stop him crying’ is a clear winner. It doesn’t get better than that. Ladies and Gentleman, round of applause for Granny Green. Disney’s newest villain.

So come on let’s hear them, if you have them. I’d love a good laugh!

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18 Comments on “Random advice i could do without.. thanks.

  1. Brilliant!
    I’ve had the pram one too, at my baby shower recently, someone ran in and practically spat in my face “Yooooooooooooou’ve brought the pram home!!!!” Errr yeah, thanks for that, well spotted, i want to wheel it round my apartment til he’s here ok, fuckwit! I spoke about this with another friend and told her, god forbid, but if something horrible does happen before/when he’s born, i really won’t be sitting here blaming myself for bringing the pram home…..
    Also in Morrisons the other day, cue random old bag who had nothing to do with the conversation between me and cashier, she looked me up and down and said “Are you going on a diet?” CLEARLY NOT as i’m about to drop in 3 weeks and also after stuffing my bags with enough Pringles to fill Dawn French! Silly cow!
    One of the kids at work asking what i was planning on calling the baby, i said “Frankie”, she didn’t try and hide the look of disgust, she screwed her face up followed with long pause and said “Urghhh after Frankie Boyle?” Errrr no after Frankie Dettori, it’s after NOBODY you adolescent fool, we like the name, deal with it!!!!

    Arghhhhhhhhhhh so many.

    Thanks for the laughs Lexy, loved reading through everyone;s comments! x

    • It is just such a thoughtless thing to say isnt it?
      Like – so basically what you are saying is because i dont have relatives i can leave it with , i am now goimg to have BAD LUCK?? im 34 week pregnant! you just dont say those things!!
      Thank you for making me laugh! after frankie boyle?!?!?! where do these people come from???
      i love the name frankie!!

  2. Love this!
    When Jasper was a week old Alex (hubby) had him in a wrap (I would have but I had a c-section and couldn’t at the time!) and a woman in boots said “Is he alright in there? Because the do suffocate, don’t they”.

    Erm – wtf!? No, actually, they don’t – and what a HIDEOUS thing to say to an anxious new parent!

  3. Completely Brilliant, thank you.
    The one I got from Grandmother in law thos weekend:
    “You give that child too much fruit & veg. YOU wil give her stomach ache!”
    3 of 4 of her grand kids were obese children!

  4. When my Nan found out what we were planning to name Sausage, she said “Oh, she’s going to hate that when she’s older, she’ll really resent you. It’s okay, I’ll call her Rosie”.

    The latest one that is REALLY bugging me though, is the amount of people who say “Oh, doesn’t she look like baby Tiffany”, who is apparently someone fron Eastenders? I looked her up. The ONLY similarity is the fact they both have red hair. Get a bit of fucking imagination. You could say “Oh, doesn’t she look just ike Mick Hucknall!” and be about as accurate. I may be more likely to punch people if they said Mick Hucknall though…!

    • Oh jayne you make me howl laughing! I have NO IDEA who baby tiffany is! But this rings so true. You know, as addy is the image of alan and looks nothing like me at all, not one bit – according to SOME people!!! ill call her rosie.. hahaha

  5. Haha love it!! People keep telling me how I am doing it wrong (mostly the outlaws) including

    – why is he not drinking more? He should be drinking double that now
    – why is he not sleeping through te night, mine slept through all night by now
    – he looks like you “round round!”

    Arrrrgh number of times I’ve wanted to tell them to Eff off!! 🙂

    Tas

  6. This is great! Gave me a good laugh, cheers.

    My dear older (childless, christian ) brother, once decided to lecture me about discipline and the importance of smacking as the per biblical advice. He then went on to say that when he has a baby it will conform to his lifestyle. Hahaha

  7. one I hated was ” your massive” this started around 5 months & I didn’t get smaller.

    I was big but didn’t need reminding as maternity clothes stopped fitting & I could hardly walk.

    But the comment that really got me was from the midwife, I was having a painful start to labour, it was my third time & like nothing I’d ever experienced – her comment was you need to quieten down as you are scaring the mums that are being induced!

    She looked very sheepish when she came to apologise the next day as baby turned out to be back to back and was delivered by emergency c-section as he got stuck, he was 11lb 8oz!

    I was huge!!!

  8. I’ve had some of those too… even my mum insisted that she and my dad kept Zack’s buggy at their house till he came home with me from the hospital!
    I have had some lovely conversations too though, I think they outweigh the bad ‘uns. When Zack, and subsequently Max, were newborns, and out in the buggy, quite a few wee old ladies and men put a 50p or a £1 coin in the bottom of the pram for good luck, bless their souls! Zack ended up with about a tenner’s worth and Max around the same. Some ‘good luck’ things aren’t so bad. 🙂

  9. I just snorted Diet Coke out of my nose: “Theo is a nice name for a boy.” There are many stupid, stupid people out there. (Thought the “pram in the house” thing is food for thought. We keep ours in the garage and the garage is now rife with enormous centipedes. Perhaps time to leave it outside, where the squirrels can ravage it.)

    Hysterical post. And you’re so correct: People have too much to share when they should just smile and walk away.

    Also: I need to start talking/writing like you. Britishisms are far more entertaining than American.

    • Haha that’s a big compliment coming from you lady! Thank you so much!
      The mothercare woman got to me’ because I live in a 2 bed flat and can only have the pram in the house?!! So what because of that I’m destined for bad luck? Thanks total stranger! Just what I wanted to hear at 33 weeks prego! Haha xx but yes centipedes permitting I would put it outside! Haha x

  10. Great post. I hate people who think it’s ok to chip in with unwanted advice. My aunt told me not to scan the death out of this baby this time round. When I asked her what she meant, she told me I had too many scans last time. Erm, only the dating, 20 week and an additional one because I had a low lying placenta, so was adviced to have another one done.
    Also, by same aunt, told to bath the baby at 11am because the evenings are for you to enjoy, baby should be in bed at 6 and sleep through. Yeah right, I’m still waiting for that to happen at 19 months!

  11. “”Wow you’re big , I mean you really are, how long have you got? Oh “(going very quiet) “3 more months, I see, god you’re going to be huge”…… – Strange hairy lady in Morrisons.

    “Aaah is the baby having a cuddle ?” (leaning closer to touch my newborn) oh you’re BREASTFEEDING (look of revulsion and horror as they see my one inch bit of exposed boob then retreating )….

    “Look at all that hair, Margery come and see the baby’s hair, MARGERY LOOK AT THIS BABY’S HAIR!” At this point I’m running full pelt in the opposite direction clutching my hairy little baby. (all my babies have had full heads of hair for some reason people think this is hilarious?)

  12. ooooh so many, in my second pregnancy i got: it must be twins again you are huge! my mother to me said: oooh dont breastfeed not with those boobs. friend a couple of weeks after having baby said gosh not dropped yet!

    great post

  13. We are getting the same advice from everyone too…. yes, it is our first baby, but we are 30 and 39 respectively… I think we’ll work it out. Miska even got told yesterday to put a hat on as it was cold… thats for her.. not even for little Matej. Luckily, most of it is Slovak, so I can just choose to ignore.. but I do know how to say “oh fuck off will you”

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