Random advice i could do without.. thanks.
Yesterday I was visiting a friend in a Posh little village outside of Manchester. I was stood outside Marks and Spencer’s while she nipped in to get some caviar (or something equally as posh). I, on the other hand, am far too scruffy for ‘Marksnsparks’ so was stood outside staring in to my I-phone (as usual) chatting to my twitter friends while trying to ignore the looks of disdain my Quinny was getting from the BUGABOO mums.
It was a lovely day, as it always is in cheadle, peaceful and posh. I had given Addison a heads up earlier in the day. No tantrums in Cheadle little boy. Cheadle is far too posh for tantrums. But evidently he had decided to ignore me. He woke up from a nap, and decided that in no uncertain terms, he wanted out of his buggy. THIS INSTANT! It was such a surprise, as he is usually such a happy little chappy, so tranquil and smiling. (and no Im not bragging, Im just saying. – although clearly if I’d brought War and Peace he would have been happy to sit and read that… again.)
I quickly and in a mild panic (it was really, really loud screaming and also being a new mum – baby cries? Pick baby up. Gina Ford piss off.) I began the ‘untangling baby’ dance. Clip one, rope 2, button 3, twist 4 , jump up and down on your left foot 5, clasp undone 6 and he’s out! I wrapped my arms around his little trembling, tantrumy body and began my vain attempt at soothing him. Clearly something was the matter as usually he would stop crying the second he is picked up. (yes, yes rod for my back, I know.) I felt around his person for the usual suspects, belly (wind), bum (wet patches) and neck (eczema) but all seemed to be behaving. He continued with his somewhat angry crying and I began to search for his dummy.(tsk tsk)
While we are on this subject, can I just say that dummies have special powers. They can disappear and re-appear at will. And multiply! I spent half an hour searching for one the other day. I turned the house upside down only to find one, rinse it, drop it and find three at my feet! Anyways..
I finally located the illusive dummy and was about to shove it, I mean gently place it, in his gob when out of nowhere a head thrust itself towards us. A little old lady in a green mac, a green scarf and a green head wrap with interestingly green teeth had broken all rules of personal space and was literally shaking her nobbly little head in what seemed to be disgust, a mere inches away from our faces. Addison immediately stopped crying for a second due to shock and ill be honest, I was gob smacked and just stood there like a total lemon, mouth hanging open.
‘Hello?’- me (step back slightly alarmed)
‘You know what you want to do?’ Posh, clipped and pretentious.
‘No?’ – me. Tired, gormless and confused.
‘Put a muslin over his face’
‘Put a muslin cloth over his face, that’ll soon stop him crying.’
Seriously?! Put a muslin cloth over my sons face to stop him crying?! Yeah, thanks for the advice but I’m not gonna do that.
This has been playing over and over in my mind since the dotty old Disney villain wannabe uttered the words. She wanted me to put a muslin cloth over my sons little face, to stop him crying. So basically she wanted me to suffocate my son. Yes Im sure it did stop your son crying missis. Im not sure a baby can cry and gasp for breath at the same time.
As we were walking away from the shops. Me holding a bag over Addison’s face, (JOKE!) It got me thinking about how total randomers seem to think its ok to stop and give you advice on being a mother. It’s like being part of the ‘mummy club’ means every man and their dog can assess you and your skills at any given time and offer totally unnecessary and unwanted ‘advice’. On a very rare occasion it can be helpful (usually off your own parents) but mostly I have found ‘stranger danger advice’ to be totally incorrect and utter crap. These ‘pearls of wisdom’ range from a little odd to full on ‘get your coat Addy, we’re off.’
This advice sharing starts from the second you develop a bump, in my opinion. (that and the touchy feelers, but again that’s another blog). So as I was ambling home I started to mentally Blog some of the other ‘nuggets of crap’ I have received over the last year.
So here goes..
When pregnant – ‘Don’t reach up or your baby will be strangled on the cord.’ Thank you random woman in supermarket.
When pregnant – ‘You are definitely having a girl you are absolutely enormous, you should buy all pink, definitely.’-Thank you MR bus driver.
When pregnant- ‘Don’t have the pram in the house , its bad luck’ – Thank you random grandmother in Mothercare. (This one REALLY annoyed me.)
Life after birth – ‘He’s gorgeous but Im not sure I like the name Addsion. Theo is a nice name for a boy.’ -Thank you cash register girl.
Life after birth – ‘I can’t believe you aren’t breast feeding. You should be breast feeding’ – Thank you random passerby at Starbucks the Trafford centre.
On losing baby weight – ‘You shouldn’t have eaten for two until the last trimester’ – The last time I saw this person they were hobbling from a swift, hard kick in the shin. You know who you are!
I have so many more but I would love to hear some of yours.. Because I am absolutely sure it is not just I, who is subjected to this intrusion. And if it is, then what the hell am I doing wrong?? And also if Im honest I could carry on regaling you but ‘Put a muslin cloth over your baby’s face to stop him crying’ is a clear winner. It doesn’t get better than that. Ladies and Gentleman, round of applause for Granny Green. Disney’s newest villain.
So come on let’s hear them, if you have them. I’d love a good laugh!