Doodle the Poodle; at this very second has his bum hole hovering precariously close to my face.
(Hovering, not hoovering. Just to be clear, if Doodle’s pink and puckered bum hole was hoovering close to my face, that would be an entirely different situation all together. I would almost definitely move away at a faster pace in the hope of avoiding being sucked up. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Anyway shall we move on? I am very tired.)
I am not exaggerating either.
Right now, as I type this, I actually have a dog’s (pink and puckered bum hole – have I already mentioned it was pink and puckered? I am so very tired I cannot think straight) moving closer and closer towards my left eye ball.
Wait, what? Did I say Left?
I once had a friend who, when pregnant, avoided cats Faces like the plague.
On her first Dr’s visit while pregnant you see, he told her that Cats Faeces were terrible for unborn babies and could kill them, and she misheard him.
I am telling you this, just so that you know, that no matter how tired and utterly stupid you get as a side effect of said exhaustion, (because of that child of yours, working, washing, ironing, putting petrol in the car, school dinners, having to sex up your other half while meal planning for the next fortnight, (wait… what?) and all the other life stuff, you always know, you are not alone.
And hey! At least you never ran screaming from a cat’s face.
There is an army of us.
United in our exhaustion based stupidity.
All knackered, all wondering where it all went wrong, all leaving the house with our shirts on inside out, all trying to avoid fast food, and all, at the back of our minds, contemplating suing Durex for millions of pounds (because seriously how would they EVER know? And the money could be really well spent on a NIGHT NANNY.)
I can only assume, as he gyrates, spins, whimpers and shakes in front of me and on top of me (Doodle, not the Irish one), that he too has spotted the dock off great big and hairy, 8 legged house guest currently known as; OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT SPIDER which is currently tap-tap-a- tapping its way slowly across the laminate floor towards the kitchen (probably to make itself a sandwich and grab a beer because lets face it, it has no kids and it won’t matter if it is a hung-over spider in the morning.)
The fact that instead of pushing him off me (Doodle I mean, not the Irish one, because no matter HOW tired I am, I ALWAYS have the energy to NOT have sex) and I am instead just leaning around him, is pretty standard behaviour for me these days.
I self preserve where I can.
I can’t blame Doodle for his behaviour either; the spider is huge, but mostly? I have nothing left to give.
I literally have no energy left.
And I blame Addison. (And the inventors of Candy crush) because My three year old (and my Ipad mini) have sucked the life out of me. (Can anyone get past level 50? That Jelly is impossible!)
This isn’t what I was going to write about today either to be honest, but as I am right now having to peer around my dogs monkey bum hole to see the screen, I really feel like the post I was going to write, (a deep and meaningful about how making a mistake makes you human) seems a bit moot, so instead I have decided to give in to the delirium and write a competency based interview on the joys of motherhood.
Because, well, why not?
1) Can you give me an example of a time you have sneezed and either thought you were about to follow through or actually did? (But you saw this as more of an inconvenience than an embarrassment?)
2) Can you give me an example of when somebody you may have known (or in fact not known at all) inappropriately grabbed your stomach and uterus during pregnancy and behaved as if caressing you in public was something completely normal and appropriate?
3) Can you give me an example of a time you have sat through half an hour of Cbeebies even when the child was asleep because you couldn’t be arsed reaching for the remote?
4) Can you give me an example of a time you have had to spellcheck Cbebbeeies because it has the most ridiculous spelling ever?
5) Have you ever experienced complete memory loss? Like when, you are half way through telling a really brilliant story involving your other half or even your best friend and all of a sudden you can’t remember their name? (But incidentally can in fact name the entire cast of 300 trains from Thomas the tank engine.) And then have to laugh off the fact your work colleague had to remind you what your husband was called?
6) Have you ever wanted to punch someone just because you are tired and they are not?
7) Have you ever cried in to your pillow because you love your child so much, But if they get up One!
You will be forced to trap your own head in between the door and the doorframe and SLAM over and over again in a bid to stay sane?
8) Can you give me an example of a time you tried to have a conversation with a friend, but kept getting distracted and then forgetting the end of what you were supposed to be….
Oh bloody hell, hang on, the child just woke up, I’ll be back in a minute…
What was I doing again?
We. Are. Not. Alone.