The Struggle.

You are fat and useless.

Nothing you say makes sense, they are not laughing with you darling.

Did you think they were?

Oh bless you, you thought they liked you.

They do like me don’t they? 

Stop staring, they are talking about you now, they see right through you.

They see under all your nice person crap, they see you are worthless, and annoying.

Annoying?

Stop talking for god sake, just stay quiet.

But…

But look happy, keep smiling, nobody wants to have to ask you if you are ok.

They think you are an attention seeker.

‘Lexy, are you ok?’

See, now you are forcing them to be nice.

How dare you force them to be nice!

I’ll say I am great, it will be fine… 

Stop lying, stop smiling, god you are so fake!

Do you think they are unable to see how utterly fake you are, bitch?

You are not ‘great’, they know you are lying, now they think you are rude!

Just do something normal you idiot!

I am trying, Ok I will be honest… 

They are bored with your drama, they wish you would just die.

Die? That would be peaceful. But, I don’t want to think like this…

You are destroying yourself again.

Everything you have worked for.

You are a failure.

Again, you are a failure again, you are a waste of blood and organs.

A complete waste of everybody’s time.

oh god. 

Why can’t you just be normal???

How much money have they spent on listening to you spout your crap? 

How many people have taken the time to be there?

And look at you.

Look at how disgusting you are.

How could you ever be happy with yourself?

You look like the hulk.

Look at your double chins, your spotty face, your idiotic big toe.

My toe? What is wrong with my toe?

You are a cretin.

Scum.

How old are you?

And look at where you are.

You made too many mistakes.

Big ones, small ones, irretrievable ones. 

You will rot in hell.

There is no wonder you have gone crazy, you have sent yourself crazy.

Sweep it under the rug Lexy, move on. 

Come on girl, ignore what I am saying, you can do this.

Come on you insignificant little twat, stop shaking and live your life.

I am running out of patience with you.

Oh my god, you are cutting again?

Are you seriously going to take that knife and…

Oh you pathetic little toilet germ.

You are cutting again.

How old are you? 13? Get a grip you slob, you have a son.

Oh the state of me, I am pathetic. 

Life doesn’t revolve around you, you know.

Think of your son.

I hate you Lexy.

I hate everything you are.

Me too. 

‘What do you want for tea babe? Did you have a nice day?’

6 responses to “The Struggle.

  1. Lexy, this breaks my heart to read, your inner voices couldn’t be more. Your so loved, you are fab. You will win this b***ard fight that’s plaguing you. I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be ok.xxxxx

  2. Lexy, I can’t seem to find any words at the moment but I want you to know that for every self-hating and self-doubting thought you have, lots and lots of other kind, loving and appreciative thoughts are being aimed at you from far and wide. Love will win.

    R xx

  3. Pardon the language but you can tell those voices to fuck right off.
    Ive recently had therapy for childhood trauma and the aftermath. I finally told my therapist about the voices I was ashamed and scared to do so.
    He explained how its quite normal to hear voices when you’ve been through crap (he put it somewhat more eloquently than that), and said something that changed my life.
    The voices have nothing of value to say. They serve only themselves and seek to destroy you.
    You can engage with a view to silencing them, you can fight with them and counteract them.
    Or you can simply say “fuck off, you have nothing of value to say and I’m not listening”
    You have a thousand positive voices Lexy, you don’t need to listen to this shit.

  4. What a struggle for you. Hope you find your way through it and you’re able to find that help that you need. Hugs from Australia. Xx

  5. Depression and self-doubt are cruel things. They win because they take away your ability to see beyond them. You ARE better than those thoughts and you can and will beat them, but it’s rarely a fight you can take on alone. You don’t need to be alone, so many more people than you’d ever realise will understand x

  6. Presuming this is your internal dialogue, it saddens me that you are in so much pain. It is difficult for me to read. I realize my difficulty lies in the realization that I often speak to myself this way :'(

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