I didn’t mean to shout ‘Minge!’ quite so loud at the breakfast table.
I also didn’t mean to introduce myself to a huge gathering of glamorous and sophisticated looking women by shouting ‘Can you see my nipples?’
I just get nervous and my tongue takes full advantage of the extra adrenaline rushing through my system and goes on a marathon without prior consultation with my brain.
I then spend the rest of the night trying to make up for the first impression by saying things like ‘Oh I am so sorry, I am normal really! I just worry about my big nipples, do you? Worry about big nipples? Not in general, I mean when you are wearing a dress? My nipples aren’t even that big…Do you know what? Shall we move on?’ And then I realise they have already started backing away and my brain slaps it’s forhead and shouts ‘Doh!’ when it cottons on to what just happened.
‘Hey Dr Ranj! Can I lick your face please? It’s just I promised @Eliza_do_Lots that I would lick your face. I won’t actually lick your face cos you have a beard and that would probably hurt, and also I have had the runs for two weeks since my wedding, actually maybe we could talk about that later? I am Mammywoo by the way. Anyway – can I lick your face for a photo please?’
I have my head in my hands.
I am on the way home from the Mad Blog Awards 2013.
The bald man (it really isn’t relevant that he is bald but I felt, seen as I won Best Writer, I should slip in at least one well intended adjective) with the green coat on, sat opposite me keeps giving me funny looks.
I think maybe he thinks I probably have thrush (which I don’t by the way, I have the squits – again not so relevant, but you all told me last night that you like that I am honest right?) because I just can’t stop twitching and jumping out of my seat like someone has bitten me, with the excitement of it all.
I really think last night I was so absolutely gobsmacked it didn’t really sink in.
And today I just feel blown away and completely overwhelmed.
Blog of the year?
God now I am crying again!
Now the bald, tall man opposite thinks I am crying because my thrush is so painful.
I honestly don’t have thrush.
I think I have digressed.
Thank you for every vote, for every read, for every comment, and for sticking with me when I go Awol and supporting me when I am a miserable bitch.
Just Thank you.
I am unbelievably touched, and grateful.
I dedicated my award to Jenny and Matlida Mae, I hope this wasn’t overstepping the mark and I hope it didn’t come across as rude or thoughtless.
I just want to hold Jenny’s hand forever.
She is Precious.
She is an inspiration.
She would probably prefer not to be, nobody asks or generally wants to be, but she is.
She is graceful, a wounded but courageous lioness, she is a mother.
Her love is immortal.
Matilda Mae will never be forgotten.
Before I start to properly sob (which always ends up with me letting out trumps, and therefore before I ruin everyone on this train’s day) I would like to thank you for all the congratulatory hugs, they were lovely.
(I really hope you don’t get poorly.)
Saying that though, the good Dr Ranj assured me it probably isn’t a bug as if it were, it would have gone by now, and perhaps I have a touch of IBS. I then asked him to sing me the poo song, but he wouldn’t. But still, what a genuinely lovely man.
I am going to have to go now as I get travel sick and I don’t think puking on the Bald, tall, Creepy, man in front (Stop looking at me!!!) would do my street cred any favours, I committed social suicide enough times last night!
Well done to all the finalists and winners.
Thank you to the fabulous and insanely generous sponsors of my categories, Puffin books – man I love books! And Parentdish- it’s on my homepage, it’s where I start my day with a cuppa! For the outstanding prizes and support they provided.
And last but never least thank you to both Sally and Lindi (Dave) for organising such an outstanding, slick evening.
It really was fabulous.
And I’m sorry again about the Minge thing.
I am usually such a lady.