I envision myself sometimes when trying to fall asleep, hung from the doorframe, streaks of warm urine trailing down my legs and over stubbly ankles as my body relaxes and experiences relief for the very last time.
My neon painted nails on lifeless feet.
I lie there imagining myself googling beforehand how to tie a noose knot, and smiling at my own inadequacy as I bumble through the first couple of attempts.
I imagine setting the chair and locking the front door, hammering in the nail, kissing Doodle goodbye through blurred eyes before putting him safely in the kitchen, and then finally I imagine the gentle swing of my heavy body, after perhaps a frantic momentary regretful struggle, and then, then I can almost feel the quiet comfort with the vision that I would never have to struggle again.
There is more light in my life now that there has ever been, and for that I am grateful.
I just enjoyed every second of a fairytale wedding, I was the princess I always dreamt of being, I banished memories of a previous trip to Disney where I was grieving so destructively, with shrieks of joy from my little boy, with laughter off my best friends, with saying ‘I do’ to my Prince Charming and falling ungracefully in to his embrace.
Right now I am sat on a train with a permanent grin etched on to my face, on the way down to London, tonight is the Mad Blog award ceremony, it is sure to be a fabulous evening, I am ever so excited, (EEEEE!!!) and yesterday, yesterday was my birthday.
I have said this before.
It is not that I don’t like my life, I do.
It is not that I am not grateful, I am.
‘There is a light at the end of the tunnel Lexy, these dark days will pass.’
How many times as a depression sufferer do you hear this when the days are long and the nights ferocious?
I never believed it, and then after years of silent desperation, of finally giving up, of accepting help, of trusting, it happened, and I rejoiced.
I could smile, I could laugh, I wanted to go out and live my life.
I was bold and free, relinquished.
So imagine my shock, when once again I started to experience little niggling symptoms.
But wait! The light came on!
This Can’t be!
What I have since learnt, is that although that light can and will shine brightly again, there are no guarantees that light will stay on permanently.
The Light in my life has faulty wiring, it flickers.
This is the nature of the illness. (My illness.)
The light can come on, and then go off for a bit, then it goes and pops itself back on again.
Feeling low after a period of feeling fine, is the nature of the beast. (My beast.)
I thought I had gone backwards, that everything would go back to the way it was, that i, would go back to the way I was at the beginning.
All the money, all the therapy, weeks in hospital separated from my son – all for nothing, and it was all my damn fault, how could i have failed again?
How could I be so selfish, such an ungrateful miserable bitch? It clearly wasn’t depression because I had conquered it, I had had the support, I tried my best and I didn’t succeed, feeling so tired but unable to sleep, and now I was thinking of obliteration again, of leaving behind the boy of my dreams, without really knowing why.
Stuck in Reverse.
And the tears, in the dark, for a number of days would come streaming down my face.
Imagining my body illuminated in the half shadows from the streetlight outside, the motion of my heartbeat gone, all the colour and vibrancy in my life over, gives me comfort in these moments.
I am not selfish, I am unable to pull myself together, I am not choosing to be dramatic.
I suffer with Depression.
It is not my fault.
It is unlikely, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, that I will ever fully recover fully.
‘My husband had depression and one day he just woke up and said ‘I’ve had enough of this, I am going to change! And he has been fine since, you can do it!’
After a heated debate with the above woman on Twitter, I finally gave up.
I will not call her names, I will not tut and roll my eyes, I will simply continue in my plight to break down the stigma’s.
It is not a choice!!!
Last night I fell asleep with a half smile on my face and butterflies in my belly, imagining myself head-butting the winner of Best writer after failing miserably to clap graciously.
I feel happy.
Last night I fell asleep in excited anticipation of smiles and laughter, of living the rest of my life as Mrs. Doyle (cup of tea?), of spending endless days with my little family, of loving my work and being grateful for my wonderful circumstances.
I feel loved and able to give love.
I fell asleep with hope.
And right now?
I am going to simply live in this moment.
I am going to try to educate those who want to be educated and I am going to be kind to myself and others who feel misunderstood and alone.
That is my choice.