Concrete Stairs. (WARNING - May Trigger.)

I have this lump in my throat.

Excited voices, whispering in awe, climbing up a helter skelter, feet pounding on the concrete stairs stained with all those that have gone before, out of breathe together we climb, exhilarated, laughing, anticipating the rush all the way up, all the way up…

On the precipice of the future breathing deeply an eager smile caught in the winds of time, sailing above the world, we are here together; I am here, all the way up here, with you…

But alone.

And now here we go.

Here I go, with you watching me.

I reach out but you are gone.

Plummeting down hands no longer in the air in joy, just up, going through the motions.

I want to scream.

I am livid with my anguished illusions, bitter disappointment and hopelessness, every downward spiral a new and different crucifixion to try to conquer, control, overcome.

What now?

If life had a pause button I could just wait it out.

I wouldn’t hesitate.

I could just sit and breathe.

I would weep silently in a public place to feel less alone.

I would wait for the Black Dog to pass, without guilt, with no stolen moments.

I would look around at people’s faces slowly, drinking it all in, every wrinkle a story, learning, asking for help.

Notice the trucks thundering by, without wanting to throw myself under them, the dirty splash caught in time, the rain hitting the pavement, the children splashing in muddy puddles, the babies crying, the mothers on their knees, the teenagers laughing, their proud pink headphones neon against the dark grey sky, the hands of my clock ticking by slowly, the tears caught in my hand.

I just can’t figure it out.

I don’t know how to go on.

Bombs being dropped, innocent children dying, lifeless bodies that moments before were giggling and climbing, excitedly climbing together, now being pulled from the rubble, mothers screaming dying alive, after having their hearts ripped from them, to the heaven’s, loved one’s lost forever.

I have this lump in my throat.

I just want to shout.

There is magic everywhere in this world you just need to be able to see it.

Kissing my baby’s head as I tuck him in to his warm safe bed.

Watching his joy, gifting him his awe.

Two blackbirds sat on my car having a morning conference.

Feeling eternally grateful.

I can see the magic.

Lies?

Fear.

If life had a stop button I would press it right now.

I would only hesitate for a moment, to see his face.

I would stop the world from turning and lie down.

I would spread my hair out around me and ask for peace.

Dead is forever.

It is not much of a life you are living.

No guilt.

If life had a fast forward button I would press it right now, I would fast forward so I could see my baby grow up, to ensure he would climb that helter skelter and his dreams would come true.

I would only let him go when he wanted me to, and still I would be there silently behind him.

I would do anything for my baby.

If life had a rewind button I would press it.

I would hesitate and feel the fear, but I would do it.

I would rewind to his birth and I would re-live it the way I should have done.

No stolen moments, no anger, no fear, only magic.

I am so tired.

I want to eject.

I would do anything for my baby, but still, I want to eject.

Cease to exist.

Bombs being dropped, children being lost, illness and terror, mickey mouse dancing just for him, Walt Disney world, pounding up the stairs, out of breath, excited screams of awe, Christmas day, Family, the magic of a miracle, of making a wish on a shooting star.

There is magic everywhere.

I don’t know how to feel.

I would do anything for my baby.

Every day he saves my life.

The reason I hold on.

Around and around and around we go.

And now I press Play.

I have this lump in my throat. 

*I was having a great month, living and feeling strong, winning, and then out of nowhere, catching me completely off guard, there appeared a trigger.
A trigger that sent me spiralling, like a bullet from a gun.
Yes, I was taking my medication. Yes, I have so much to look forward to, and no, I can’t pull myself together.
My trigger this time? Walking up some concrete stairs. Something and nothing. Just some regular boring concrete stairs. 

I am broken right now.

And everything above is what can pass through my head a million times in a ten minute period. Emotions out of control.
This isnt a cry for help.

I am sharing this as I am hoping to educate on triggers but also to reach out to those who also experience triggers to let you know you aren’t going mad and you arent alone. Also because right now, as i sit crying in Starbucks,  my hood pulled up hiding my eyes,  I want to feel less alone. 

Today I am broken, but it will pass.

It has to.

Nobody chooses this illness. You don’t have to understand depression to be able to offer support. It is sneaky and uncatchable. And triggers? They suck arse.