Dear Teenage Me,
I may be able to help you…
Your stepmother isn’t evil so stop writing in your diary that you hate her and just wish she would die.
But you are right she has got crap hair, but bless her, it’s the 90’s and to be honest your hair could use some work too.
In about 20 years, something called GHD’s will be invented and you will be transformed, so until then, tie it up and find a better hiding place for your diary BECAUSE SHE IS READING IT!
(Which is why your dinner is always the burnt one and why she never sticks up for you!!! Can you blame her? You are wishing her dead for crap hair?? A little dramatic don’t you think?)
Actually, once you have hidden your diary, pull on your new and funky in line skates, go to the bookshop if you can make it that far without breaking an elbow, and look up how to make hand held iron’s for frizzy arse hair, then stop wasting your time playing on the Super Nintendo and spend your time inventing them.
Believe me when I say, you will make a fortune and be revered as the frizzy haired wonder who invented Good Hair Days.
Jennifer Anniston will love you.
She’s the one you fancy out of that new show ‘friends’.
While we are on the subject of your hair? Erm… purple? Really?
Also, pay more attention in school, it may be funny now to try and Bunsen burn your boobs but seriously in a few years you’ll wish you payed more attention to what you were actually being taught.
Specifically when you get a U in biology at IGCSE and get kicked out of school.
Also, when you use a pipette to squirt water at Laura’s head, remember to make sure it isn’t boiling water. Poor Laura. It really isn’t funny what you put that girl through.
Actually, while we are on the subject of school, in 1996 there will be a cheese and wine night to introduce you to your new six form college, do NOT go behind the bike sheds with Hubert. He isn’t cool and neither is his name, also Mrs. Almeida will catch him fingering you. This will not go down well with your dad and even when you are 30 you will cringe at the memory. Nobody likes to remember being caught, getting fingered. Seriously. Getting fingered is not cool.
Do not let Laura drive your moped 2 days after you buy it, she will crash it and while you are weeping she will be trying to find what is left of her ankle. Neither of you will see the light of day for at least 2 years.
Being grounded is not fun, and yes her ankle is more important than your bike. GO HELP YOUR BEST FRIEND PUT HER ANKLE BACK TOGETHER!
Do not drive up a one way street by accident on the day you are finally let free and then in a panic at possibly being grounded again, try and win a high speed chase with the Guardia civil.
You are on a clapped out moped, they are in a 4 by 4. It is the most pathetic short lived high speed chase ever, even if you did feel like Penelope pitstop at the time, You will inevitably get grounded again.
Nobody likes to see their daughter in handcuffs.
Do not leave Spain, ever.
You think you want to live in England but all that awaits you there, is misery and a life of falling in to drugs, and friends who manage to let you down at the very time you need them the most.
Call your brother and tell him you love him everyday.
Do not drunkenly stumble in to your mum’s bedroom at 2 in the morning after a night out with a ‘new lady friend’ and announce very loudly to her sleeping head, that you think you might be a ‘Lezzy Lesbian.’
There are ways to potentially come out of the closet, and this isn’t one of them.
Make your mind up about which way you swing by yourself, then do what most people do if they decide to be gay and send your parents a letter explaining things, before boarding a plane to Guatemala for a good while.
Then at least, if you decide you are straight, it will be because you chose to be, not because you weren’t allowed to be anything else but.
Also Lezzy Lesbian?…Really??
Forgive yourself everyday and eat more cheese while you can, you have an amazing body right now.
When you are 19 you will move to America.
STAY AWAY from Matt Marioux.
He will break your heart in to a hundred thousand pieces and it will take you years to recover, meanwhile, he will barely remember your name.
Also don’t get drunk and try and park Peter’s car.
It was your fault that it ended up in the Lake.
It isn’t funny.
A car in a lake is no laughing matter Lexy Ellis!
You could have drowned.
When you go on the Disney cruise do not have a strop about how fat you are and refuse to leave the room the entire trip.
You are not fat, go and pick up a prescription for some anti-depressants and eat more cheese.
Never walk backwards on a raised train platform to get the attention of a hot boy. You will make a total cock of yourself and having pins in your arms?
Just ask Laura, poor Laura, her ankle never recovered.
Call your brother. Chat to him and tell him you love him. Do it now. Tell him if he is sad and depressed he can get help. Tell him you understand. Tell him he is loved and you will always be there for him. Tell him he isn’t alone. Tell him you need him and not to die. Tell him never to die, because you need him. Tell him not to die. Tell him you are his little sister and you can’t live, you wont know how to live without a big brother. Remind him of all your memories. Remind him how you rode on his shoulders, remind him you can’t live without him. Beg him not to die. Never let him go. Tell him you need him.
Don’t stay in and cry because nobody loves you, go out and dance because there is nothing to be ashamed of in loving yourself.
Always wear knickers, especially when meeting the mother of your new boyfriend. Just take my word on that. Seriously.
Enjoy your life, young one, and I’ll see you when you are 32!
Oh and Lexy? One last thing…
What he is doing to you isn’t right.
You are still a child.
Tell somebody. Tell anybody.
Tell your brother. Tell your dad.
You may think you can make him stop, but you don’t have that power little one.
It isn’t your fault.
(Also he better god damn hope he never comes in to contact with the 32 year old you, because she will stamp on his face, hard, before ripping out his heart and squashing it up in to his face, while kicking his balls out of his back passage.)
Forgive yourself as you grow up.
But don’t be in a rush to grow up either, one day you will know that ‘Immature’ is just a word old people use to describe fun people. (Kind of…)
Much Love, Lexy.
Ps- Accept an epidural earlier. Believe me, you’ll thank me the first time you sneeze.