I still have a long way to go I know this.
I’m having a little trouble at the moment distinguishing dreams from real life – so I don’t for one-second feel ‘cured.’
(Mental note to self; Alanis Morissette isn’t your best friend who takes you abroad on a tour bus and you aren’t a robot either just FYI. Maybe discuss lowering the dosage of your meds at your next consult yeah?? )
But,
BUT,
A year ago yesterday, yesterday, my god it only feels like yesterday, I was being pushed against my will, sobbing, ruined, derelict and smashed in to a million pieces, through the big double doors of a facility for the mentally ill.
I was terrified.
I was alone and I was crushed.
I was trapped in my brain and I didn’t speak the language.
But,
Today?
A year on from trying to kill myself over a Mcflurry?
I giggled for no reason.
I just giggled.
And caught myself….
….Aaaaaaand was totally overwhelmed by it.
And then obviously, being a girly type girl, I cried cos I giggled for no reason, and then someone asked me why I was crying and I obviously tried to explain I was crying because I was giggling for no reason and so then, when I think about it, they just kind of walked away saying ‘oookkkkaaaaayyyyy.’
But that’s the point, i was okay! Know what I mean? Of course you do, cos you are all as mental as I am. (Right?)
I giggled for no reason.
I was thinking about my life.
And I giggled.
Like naturally.
Not forced.
So, it got me to thinking about what got me here, to the giggling for no reason part of my life. (That may not last but who cares, I enjoyed it!)
And I realised, and felt the need to… well…
I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you,
You are all as mad as a bag of frogs and I wanted to say thank you.
It’s a year ago yesterday so it felt appropriate and timely to genuinely express my honest to god most meant, most heartfelt appreciation and thanks,
For every hug,
For every text message,
For every single statistic, for each one made me smile,
For every comment you left on my blog,
And for every tweet,
For every re-tweet,
For every Dm,
For every person that has sent me hope, and shared with me, a bit of themselves.
You saved my life.
You brought me back from the brink.
You made me feel loved.
Some of you leave comments saying thank you to me, and that i’m an inspiration, but you are wrong - you all are.
I’m just telling my story, but you keep me going.
All of you. I mean that.
Some of you my best friends who i know, and some who i have never met.
Madness.
Thank you.
I mean it.
Today I fucking giggled for no reason!
(And I like to think it wasn’t med related!)
Is this cheesy? I don’t care.
I just wanted to tell you, so that you know, how much you all mean to me and ok, ill probably vanish now cos ill wake up in the morning with a ‘thank you hangover’ and curl in embarrassment about the fact that I showed how much you actually all mean to me, and so now in my mind you’ll probably never ever come back but i mean it and im not drunk, so I’ve said it now and Im not taking it back.
I mean it.
And I don’t mean to be big headed or annoying I just wanted to say thanks.
PS – And just FYI, if she knew me she would totally want to be my friend, cos then if she was my friend she would have you as friends and although you are all certified as crazy, I am lucky to have you and she would be too.
PPS- I’m talking about Alanis (not the robot, who was also female. Obviously.)
