I am in shock.
It is 2012 and I am 32 years old.
I have lost time, where have I been for the last 17 years?
I just woke up.
2001 was 11 years ago,
I am in shock.
1999 was 13 years ago.
I am sad.
Where have I been?
I have been lost, without even realising.
How could I have not realised I was missing?
How could I have not realised that despising yourself and your life, wasn’t normal?
How have I lived for 17 years without noticing life wasn’t how it should be?
Ashamed. Always ashamed.
I am grieving today, as my medication is once again tweaked and my last therapy session rings in my ears, echo’s in my soul.
I am grieving today, even though I feel almost, almost… bubbly.
I am grieving for my lost years.
I can feel the acute sadness deeply, sloshing about in my heart.
I am looking at photos, and staring at my eyes.
The pretence.
My broken eyes.
How could I have not noticed, not everybody was broken?
I want to look after myself, and I want to apologise… to me.
I remember my first meeting with James.
‘You are severely depressed’
‘No I am not.’ I had indignantly replied ‘Everyone is like me.’
I remember the slap in the face.
‘Are they?’
I remember the anger, and the shock… and the shock… aren’t they?
Where has the time gone?
How am I 32?
Why did I resist help for so long?
How could I be so comfortable feeling so undeserving?
Why did I resist medication for so long?
How could I not see I was suffering with an illness that needed treatment?
I am grieving for the 17 year old me.
But I am also,
I am also welcoming back the 17 year old me.
Ooo and she has a twinkle in her eye.
I like her.
We have some catching up to do.
It feels exciting.
And today, as well as grieving, I am full of hope.
It may disappear tonight, but right now? I have clarity, and it feels amazing.
I like the ‘right now.’
Do they still sell Diamond White?
It’s the 17 year old me’s favourite drink.
We are off to see Alanis Morissette on tuesday, me and her.
Do I get a second chance?
I am only 32.
I hope so.
Beautiful. Endlessly so. Enjoy Alanis. And the rest of the world and everything in it.
Wow. This post really struck a chord. I think it takes a lot of courage to write about depression. I haven’t had the guts yet, maybe one day soon (currently on reduced prozac dose after post natal depression, but suffered on and off since my teens, only just turned 33 myself, ahhh remember being 17 and loving alanis morrisette – saw her at hyde park with bob dylan, eric clapton, and the who – *amazing*)
You absolutely get a second chance! This is a positive post Lexy, I think the light might be finding its way to you.
Finding love in the moment is amazing! Enjoy Alanis!! My 17 year old self is jealous as hell!
Grief and hope- two sides of the same coin. Welcome back. (I used to love Diamond White too!)
I think our 17 year old selfs would have fun hanging out. Nothing better than diamond white & a bit of Alanis Morrisette x